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WITH CHRISTINE HASSLER

Are You Annoyed By A Co-Worker?

From 3/03/09 Huffington Post Column:
Dear Christine,
There is a woman I work with everyday who absolutely drives me crazy. She’s emotional, always has to get her opinion heard and be right, and monopolizes a lot of attention. She’s also not accountable and often takes days just to return a simple email. I have a lot of integrity and prefer not to bring drama into work, but I find her distracting and she’s affecting my enthusiasm. How do I deal with her? Should I confront her about her behavior or talk to my boss?

Annoyed with co-worker, 27, Pittsburg

Dear Annoyed with Co-worker,

I really get that this co-worker is pushing all your buttons which is exactly why you should not confront her right now. You are too fired up by annoyance and judgments so a confrontation would most likely resemble a sibling spat. There is a way to resolve this that actually may not involve her at all – it could be an inside job. In order to handle this situation with the integrity you claim to have, you must look at this from both a professional and personal growth perspective.

Let’s start with the professional perspective. Any successful business person must learn to deal with myriad of personality types and workplace issues. If rising to the top ranks is your goal, learn this lesson now. I would bet that the mental energy you are investing in being annoyed by her is far more distracting and time-consuming than her actual behavior so stop the trash talk going on in your head. Redirect your focus to how you contribute to the overall vision of the company instead of allowing this woman to affect your enthusiasm. Work on cultivating your other work relationships with people that you don’t find annoying.

Then challenge yourself to bring out the best in your co-worker. She has not been fired so there must be something your employer finds redeeming. What does she do well? And if your answer is “nothing,” remember that any great leader or manager identifies and encourages the strengths in others. When we constantly expect somebody to act a certain way and fixate on that, the person usually acts accordingly. While you can’t control how she acts; you can choose how you respond to her, what words you use and how you act around her. Sometimes when we change our responses and/or our perception, miracles happen.

Let’s take it to a deeper level. From a psychological standpoint, what may be going on here is called projection. Projection occurs when a person attributes their unacceptable personal thoughts, feelings, or behaviors onto others. It’s a defense mechanism we all have. It’s much easier to point a finger at someone than to own the things we don’t like about ourselves.

In the book If Life is a Game, These are the Rules, Dr. Cherie-Scott writes, “Others are only mirrors of you and your reactions to other people are really just barometers for how you perceive yourself. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.” She also advises that: “Conversely you can view the people you judge negatively as gifts, presented to show you what you are not accepting about yourself. Imagine that every time you are angered, hurt or irritated by another, you are actually being given the opportunity to heal past incidents of anger, hurt, or irritation. Perhaps viewing weakness in others is an opportunity to extend the loving arm of compassion to them; or it could be the perfect moment to heal the unconscious judgment you have secretly harbored against yourself.”

Your first reaction may be, “I am absolutely nothing like this woman.” Although natural, defensive thinking is a dead-end. Consider: How are you like her? In what aspects of your own life are you unaccountable? Do you keep your word to yourself? Really? Ever promised you’d change a behavior or take on a new routine and not followed through? Are there times when you are righteous and fight for your opinion? Are you craving attention? By understanding ourselves, we can understand others better which offers more clarity on how to handle challenging situations. Fortunately, none of us are ever at a loss for this opportunity as there are always plenty of people around to push our buttons.

Now that I’ve encouraged you to own your end of this, that doesn’t mean her unaccountable behavior should just be dismissed. Consider having a conversation with her about how you’d like to be in better communication. Support her in her accountability by including, “please respond today” in the first line of your emails or take the old-fashioned approach and walk over to her desk to have a face-to-face conversation. If you are utterly convinced that it is just her and you’ve done everything you possibly can to either improve or accept her behavior; then, yes, a conversation with your boss may be necessary. I caution you to be as neutral and fact-based as possible. Avoid blame, gossip and becoming emotional.

Integrity is not just about having integrity in your own world. Part of living a life with integrity is not judging or condemning people, but rather learning how to interact with them in a way that is less reactive and more proactive.

Christine

Please send me your questions to christine@huffingtonpost.com

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