From 5/5/09 Huffington Post Column:

Dear Christine,I read your posts about spring cleaning relationships and your advice hit a nerve with me. I have a friendship I want to end – I have known her since high school, but I don’t feel that close to her. We used to have fun together, but our lives have grown in different directions and our values do not align. She is the last person I would think to confide in and I have a tendency to feel guilty about ending this friendship even though I feel drained whenever I am around her. I have begun to distance myself but still feel that it’s wrong of me not to be her friend forever. How do I end the friendship without being mean or hurting her feelings?Frazzled Friend, 29, Seattle

Dear Frazzled Friend,

Sometimes relationships do have expiration dates. This does not discount the value the relationship has provided or make either person right or wrong, better or worse. We all grow inwardly at different rates and in different ways and our outward lives shift in response to our growth, priorities and decisions. It is somewhat natural for people to grow apart sometimes. This is especially common with childhood friendships where relationships are often cultivated based on age and proximity (shared classrooms, neighborhoods, etc) rather than common interests.

As we mature into adulthood, we tend to choose our friends based on value systems and life preferences, creating friendships that are often a better fit. That said, it is sad when we grow apart from a friend who saw us through the awkward acne and braces phase of our life. I had an amazing best friend growing up who was like a sister to me and we are no longer in touch now as our lives just took us in different directions. I often envy people who are still close to the friends they knew as children or adolescents as it is a very special bond.

But staying in a friendship for just for the sake of longevity is not worth it if inside yourself you are experiencing judgment and/or indifference. What is the point? Showing up in a relationship when you are really not accepting the person or enjoying the relationship is not a friendship – that is obligation. Gracefully stepping away from a relationship that has become more about duty is a way to open the door for yourself and your friend to attract more life enhancing friendships in your lives.

I understand your concern regarding hurting your friend’s feelings. She has been a significant person in your life and you don’t just want to dump her. The most courageous and honest way to approach this is to have a conversation (not confrontation) with her. Acknowledge that she may have been sensing some distancing and take ownership of that. Then in the most loving way, thank her for the kind of friend she has been and all the amazing gifts you have received as a result of the friendship. Maybe take a little walk down memory lane and reminisce about some shared experiences that brought both of you a lot of joy. You cannot control the way she will feel. Yes, her feelings may get hurt but in the long run it is more hurtful to be a fair-weathered friend in the future than an honest friend right now.

-Christine
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