Why being a people pleaser is selfish

“The art of pleasing is the art of deceiving.” French Proverb

Are you concerned about what other people think of you? Do you often make decisions based on what you think will please others? Does your sense of self-worth come from the approval of others? Do you often withhold from sharing what you truly want, think or feel because of fear it may upset someone? Are you often last on your list of priorities?

Believe me, you are not alone. Our egos love to be liked, approved and validated.  It is natural to want to fit in and not “upset others” because it feels safer. All it takes one small experience of feeling criticized, not liked, thinking we’ve upset someone, or getting tons of praise and validation for making others happy to develop people pleasing as a bad habit.

People pleasing is a terrible investment because it depletes your most valuable resources: your time and energy.  Just think about how much energy you waste by obsessing about what other people think of you or trying to strategize your actions to appease others.

Clarification: I am all for being a considerate and generous person.  And it feels wonderful to love others! But being and acting from love is NOT people pleasing.  People pleasing is different because there is an attachment to someone else’s reaction and/or a motivation to please in order to avoid an undesired negative response or judgment or get a positive one.

You may think being a people pleaser makes you a “good” person and is perhaps even a generous or loving way to be.  Nope.  It’s selfish to be a people pleaser.  Why? Because being attached to pleasing others is really about you.  You are the one who wants to be liked. You are the one who does not want to upset anyone.  You are the one who wants to look good for others. You are the one who is not okay with other people’s reactions. You are the one protecting yourself from confrontation.  And you are the one who is choosing to withhold expressing who you TRULY are. And by doing all of those things, you are keeping Yourself, your Light and your Love from the world – and that is selfish.

Remember this: what other people think of you is none of your business.

Obsessing about how to please others or be liked is a misuse of your energy.  Just imagine for a moment what you could create in your life if you took HALF of the time and energy you invest in people pleasing back?  Stop contorting yourself to be what you think others want or expect. See yourself now reclaiming all that time and energy you expend on being over-responsible for others or working to impress others and refocus it on being of service without attachment, sharing your gifts, taking care of you and expressing your true Self!!!  Trust me, when do that you will have an overflow from which to give from and you will be able to give without attachment or expectation.

And remember…

No one else determines your worth.

No one else can dictate what you deserve.

Other people’s reactions, responses and feelings are not your responsibility.

Someone else’s opinion of you is not the Truth.

Your value does not come from how others perceive you.

What other people think of you is none of your business. YOUR business is between you and your Self and you and God.

Have the courage to stop fearing what other people think of you, your choices, and their reactions. People pleasing is selfish, be self-honoring instead.  And the interesting thing is that the more you please yourself, the more pleasing you will be to other people.

With Love,
Christine

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  • betty-wiseheartedwomen.blogspo

    This is a great post..just what I needed to read today. Thanks

    • http://www.christinehassler.com/ Christine Hassler

      So glad it spoke to you. xo

  • nope

    Try telling people who had to survive abuse by people pleasing that they are ‘selfish’.
    It must be nice to be so cosy in yourself that you can be authentic.
    For some people being authentic means destruction, torture or abandonment.
    So have a think for how grateful you should feel that you have the freedom, some people suffer terribly and have to do what they can to survive and to label them negatively for that is repugnant in my opinion.
    Try some compassion.

    • Asdosl Zzand

      i totally agree

      • E Michelle

        She is right. I used to be a people pleaser, and once I started my inner child work, it was plain as day that my motivations were selfish. Even though it stemmed from abuse and lack of love, once I understood that, it made healing so much easier. I can finally be ok even when other people aren’t. I can finally be GENUINELY interested in others. She means no harm, and, as she said, start honoring yourself. You are not a doormat or punching bag for others. If you can’t let go of your victimization, you won’t be able to understand this concept.

        • http://www.christinehassler.com/ Christine Hassler

          E Michelle, I acknoledge you for doing the inner work and truly honoring yourself and in turn others too.