How To Get Over A Break-Up!

A Breakup.  There is not much that feels worse than heartache from ending a romantic relationship.  Although it feels awful right now, trust that you will be okay (and are okay even if you don’t feel like it). Not all romantic relationships are supposed to last forever.  Some come with what I call an “expiration date,” meaning that they are supposed to end after they have served their purpose. We think the purpose of a romantic relationship is to last forever and get us to “happily ever after;” but the true purpose of relationship from a spiritual perspective is to serve as a mirror, give us the opportunity to see and heal our issues, learn major life lessons, grow our consciousness and open ourselves up to love even more. And sometimes a relationship has to end for us to learn the lessons that are most valuable.

I know that knowing that does not make the heartache disappear and you have my compassion if your heart is hurting. The good news is that you won’t feel this way forever, and the even better news is that on the other side of a breakup is a breakthrough.  But in order to get to the breakthrough full of all the yummy lessons this relationship served up, you have to get through the yucky part of the initial separation.

After navigating my own breakups and helping lots of other people through theirs, I have seen that there are ways to expedite your healing process and avoid unnecessary struggle.  A breakup is bad enough and you may be engaging in behavior that is making it worse. There are five things you can do immediately to ease the pain of your breakup and get to your breakthrough a lot sooner.

1. NO contact with your ex.  And by no contact, I mean zero, nada, zilch communication of any kind.  No phone calls, text, email, tweeting, facebooking, or any other form of communication.  Don’t buy into the misunderstanding you are going to “help” each other through it.  You are broken up for a reason.  It’s time to take time to get to know yourself again.  Even if the split is amicable, it’s important you both go your own way and stop leaning on each other because that keeps you emotionally and energetically tied. You prolong your healing process and may be preventing learning the lessons you need to learn by continuing to have contact.  Don’t lie to yourself by trying to convince yourself you can immediately transition to being friends. If down the road you want to be friends, that may be possible but do not expect it now. Give yourself at least six months of no contact if the relationship was less than a year and at least a year of no contact if the relationship was longer than a year. Trust me, this is one of the most empowering action steps you can take. Resist the temptation to reach out to your ex when you are feeling sad.  He or she is not the person to help you and you are not the person to help your ex during this time – unless you want to hang out in codependency and delay your breakthrough! Let your ex GO. Release them and embrace YOU!! Lean on yourself, your friends and family, and the Uni-verse.

2. Go on an Ex Detox. Purge everything and anything that reminds you of your ex.  Get rid of all the physical reminders like pictures, articles of clothing, playlists on your ipod, gifts that trigger ex-memories, and so on.  If you don’t want to actually throw physical items away, pack them up in a box and find a friend’s place where you can store it.  Stop going to restaurants you frequented together. If you worked out at the same place, switch gyms. Stop driving by your ex’s place. Do this immediately – it’s unhealthy to allow your ex’s presence via memories to linger in your life when they are not physically present anymore. And UNFRIEND them on Facebook as well as their friends and family so you don’t have to see status updates and torture yourself via Facebook stalking. Yes I know this seems drastic but you want to heal and move on, don’t you? If you feel bad unfriending people, send them a message that says, “I am focusing on healing from my breakup with (ex’s name). I am so glad I met you through our relationship and value our connection. In service to my healing, I am unfriending close friends and family members I knew through (ex’s name).  Please understand this is not personal at all.  With love, (your name).” Detoxing your ex is crucial because in order to accept the present and move on to the future, you have to eliminate the reminders of the past. And the future is going to be even better, I promise!!!

3. Schedule time to grieve and then get on with it.  A grieving process full of feelings like anger and sadness is par for the breakup course.  It’s important to cry all your tears – but not drown in them. I see a lot of people get stuck in their emotions and lose momentum in their lives during a breakup. Another common tendency is to become addicted to the suffering as a way to hang on to the relationship.  So what I recommend is to set a 15-minute time period (you may do longer if you feel you need it) in the morning and at night to feel your feelings around the breakup.  You can use this time to cry, scream, journal, punch a pillow, ask “why?,” entertain the irrational thoughts that usually are part of a breakup process, and do whatever else you feel like doing to just get it out of your system. But when the time limit is up, you must STOP and MOVE FORWARD with your life.  The only exception is if you have a session with a coach or counselor (which I highly recommend during a breakup because it is such a rich time for self-discovery and healing).  During the day between your process periods, if you find yourself getting emotional, paralyzed by the past, or moving into obsessive thinking about your ex, remind yourself of your scheduled time and save it for then. I came up with this process during my most brutal breakup and it REALLY helped. Sticking to my 15-minute morning and night grief times supported me in getting unstuck in my life.  I even wore a rubber band around my wrist and would give myself a gentle snap when I was tempted to travel to grief or paralysis by analysis territory during my day.  Over time I noticed that 15 minutes felt too long, so I gradually decreased it until I had truly transitioned from breakup to breakthrough. And you can too!! Your life is NOW and ahead of you.

4. Leave la-la land.  During a breakup and recently after, the tendency is to fantasize and remember all the wonderful things about your ex.  And there are wonderful about him or her, otherwise you would not have ever gotten into the relationship. But you have to remember the TRUTH: there were things that were not aligned and did not serve your Highest Good. Even if you were the one who was broken up with, there are things about your ex that did not work for you.  Get him or her off any pedestal. YOU are the source of your Love, not your ex.  The Uni-verse is your ultimate source of unconditional love and happiness, not your ex. Make a list of all your ex’s undesirable qualities and the reasons the relationship was not a fit and look at it when you go to la-la land.  Write it from a neutral rather than vengeful point of view. In other words, stick to the facts rather than going to blame. The purpose of this list is not to vilify your ex or make him/her wrong, but rather to anchor you to reality.  Sometimes the simple reason of “the person did not want to be with me and I deserve to be with someone who is ready, willing, and wanting me” is all the reasoning you need. Have friends in your life who will deliver a reality check to you when you need it by reminding you of what was not a fit.  Have them on speed dial anytime you are headed toward la-la land.  Trust Divine planning and release fantasies of what was or what coulda, woulda, shoulda been. If your relationship was meant to be, it would have been! And if it is meant to come back around it will, but you gotta let go first.

5. Write a completion letter. This is a powerful process that will help you uncover the lessons from your breakup and support you in releasing your attachments to your ex.  Note: this is not a letter you ever send or share with your ex, it’s just for you. Set aside some sacred time to write this letter. Light a candle before you begin and set an intention for healing, clarity, grace and whatever else you’d like to experience.  Actually hand-write this letter rather than typing it because writing with your hand accesses more of your right brain where your emotions and intuition are sourced. Use these three paragraph starters for your completion letter:

Dear Ex,

  1. I’m saying goodbye because….(or this is over because…or I’m letting you go because…)
  2. I learned from you . . (or you taught me….)
  3. Thank you for . .

Write as much as you can and don’t edit yourself.  Really let it flow and allow whatever comes forward to come.  You can continue to add to this letter as you see fit.  Your completion letter will become one of your key sources from which you can extract the lessons this relationship is teaching you. If you are craving “closure,” this will get you there. You do NOT need communication with your ex to have closure. It is something you can 100% do on your own.

There you have it – five ways that will get you from breakup to breakthrough with a lot more ease and grace! Along the way remember:

You will get through this.
It won’t hurt this badly forever.
You will heal and feel happy again.
You do not have to protect your heart by closing it down or hardening it.
Keep opening up to love – love is all around you!
Reach out for support; you don’t have to do this on your own.
Utilize this time to love yourself even more.

Just because your ex is not in your life does not mean there is less love in your life. The relationship may be over, but the love you shared will never die because it always belongs to you.  You are so worthy of the loving relationship you desire and this is just a step along the way.

Be gentle with yourself during your breakup . . . your breakthrough is just around the corner.

With love,

Christine

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  • Sami

    This is great stuff. When you have children with your ex, it is impossible to to ever break complete contact or completely detox. it becomes more complicated.
    It can be done to a certain level very carefully. Has taken 6 years, yet I am finally there. And I see my ex at least twice a week!

  • Malea Rogers

    Excellent post! Although I am not going through a breakup, I thought this was insightful and valuable. During a difficult split we might bend our standards or not be thinking clearly. You have offered great steps/tools/boundaries that can be used. Thank you! I sent it to a few friends and asked them to pass it on to others that it might apply to. Wonderful blog!

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  • Kristina

    You say everything so well, and I’ve read this over and over during the past two months as I’ve been going through this break up process. I was the one broken up with, and this has helped me get through to this point where I’m at. It was a 2 year relationship and I’m far from being happy or over the whole situation, but advice like this helps so much! Thank you!

    • rose

      hope you dont mind me asking, how are you doing now

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    For example, me an my ex split up months ago but
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    she tells me she only wants to be friends and doesn’t care if I meet other girls, however, I know she does care. So I just bring up in conversation I meet and get on with other girls, for making her jealous hoping she will get back with me and try it again.. . Is that a good way or not?.

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  • http://tablemattes.com Eileen

    Hi Christine,
    I am writing this letter to myself now in hopes that I’ll get over my ex and on with my life! Tell me please so I understand, why is it best not to send anything to my ex? I’m confused after reading ‘say what you need to say’ to clear the air.
    Eileen

  • happy girl

    Going through the second break up in my life and it is just as hard as the first time. But now I know how to deal with it. and I know for sure one day I will find love again. For now, I need to take a break from relationship and heal. Being single is pretty awesome I have to say. Good luck to all of you out there, you are not alone. You can do it. :)

  • Anthony

    What if you decide you want to work it out and have a process in place to do that? For example, if you are interested in using conscious conflict tools, etc. do you still suggest saying something like “ok, if we really want to work on things, lets take 6 months for ourselves and then revisit?” What would you recommend here?

  • Dana

    Wow – this was beyond helpful. Coming from someone who was broken up with less than a month ago (and completely and utterly out of the blue with no reason or logic whatsoever), I have been full of sadness, questions, and wanting closure, although I haven’t contacted my ex. This just proves that I don’t need to contact him to move on and get closure, which I’m already starting to do. I do have days where I feel like I’m drowning in sadness, but they’re getting less and less, and now with reading this, I feel like there are so many ways I can get through this – which I know I will soon. Thank you – you’re have helped me so much already.

  • rima

    I did almost all what you said, but I am still grieving. It is too hurtful. you could tell to stop thinking about it. I do stop thinking about it sometimes, but it burst out from out of the blue.

  • http://breakupschool.com/ Neilanderson

    I always find these discussions interesting. After breakup You miss your ex (even if you know the breakup is for the best), you’re feeling miserable and crying often, or maybe you just feel numb and empty.It may be very difficult to have a peaceful or mutual breakup with an abusive partner. Just know that as long as YOU are ok with the decision, it’s ok if your partner is not.If you got a question about How do I get over a breakupor want some relationships advice– ask your question below.

  • Just a Girl

    Thank you. Relevant today Dec. 2014. If I can only stick to it. That is the problem.

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  • joseph

    Revenge Your Ex

    Each day hundreds of men and women seek revenge on their ex-mates for a
    variety of reasons, usually because they got dumped or where cheated on.
    Revenge comes in many ways. It typically starts by using social media to
    vent, and then escalates from there. Now sites like “Get Revenge On Your Ex”
    for a fee will help you get pay back or revenge.

    So what is the best way to get revenge besides slashing her tires, posting
    nude photos of her and so on.

    The best way according to the web site Right Choices 101 is to live your
    life well. This is true no matter who you are seeking revenge on. Coworkers,
    past bosses, bad friends or ex-lovers. Put your energy into succeeding and
    enjoying your life, not wasting your time, energy and resources on revenge
    that can end up costing you much more. Plus, when you seek revenge, you send
    them a massage that you have not gotten over the relationship. It’s much
    better to show you are indifferent and don’t care.

    According to Kenneth Agee of A Foreign Affair, a service that specializes in
    helping men find young beautiful foreign women, “The best revenge is to date
    or marry a women 10 years younger than your ex. This will piss her off to no
    end. No woman ever wants to be replaced with a younger, more attractive
    woman. Just like a man never likes to get replaced by a guy who is wealthier
    or more successful.

    I will never forget one of my first clients we took to Saint Petersburg,
    Russia.” says Agee, “The client told me that two days on our tour was better
    than two years of therapy. Having hundreds of attractive women fighting over
    you gets your ex out of your mind pretty quick.

    I personally went through break up when my ex ran off with another man. But
    a short time later, I met a new lady who was ten times better. I ran into
    that man who stole my ex and I gave him a big thanks. In fact, I could not
    thank him enough. He was stuck with an older nagging women, while I was now
    with a young, beautiful, caring women. Plus, my ex had gained about 100
    pounds. I don’t look at that fellow as any kind of enemy but as the person
    who saved me from my ex and years of suffering.” This is the best a revenge
    when you win without lowering yourself.

    Other sites like “Get Over Her Now” give practical advice and tips for
    getting over a past relationship.

    Top Tips from Get Over Her Now:

    Start making platonic relationships with as many women as possible, old,
    young, skinny, fat, cute or ugly. This greatly helps you get back in the
    game of socializing with the opposite sex. And it opens up lots
    opportunities to meet their cute attractive friends in a more relaxed
    environment. This also helps you build your game and confidence.

    Improve yourself, start working out, get up early every day and exercise.

    Buy new clothes. Dressing better makes you feel better and improves your
    confidence.

    Focus on work and getting a promotion or raise. Don’t let a break up effect
    your work negatively. Put that extra effort into work and it will pay off
    with a better position and more money. This will also build your confidence
    and help attract better quality women.

    Any time you are depressed, improving yourself helps greatly. When you feel
    depressed, don’t sit and watch TV and then sleep-in late. Get out and do
    something that will make you feel like you’ve accomplished something. Take a
    class, go hiking, fix something you’ve been putting off.

    Don’t start drinking. Drinking will always have a negative impact on your
    life. Don’t drink while depressed or when you are trying to get over some
    one. After all, drinking is for celebrating. So if you are not celebrating
    something, don’t drink. A quality women is not going to be attracted to
    someone who drinks a lot or has a drinking problem.

    Don’t sleep in; sleeping late increases depression. Get up as early as you
    can and go for a walk, take a hike, or go to the Gym. Research shows getting
    up early and exercising can eliminate depression. You will have no game be
    depressed.

    Don’t binge eat. If you start gaining weight, you will feel less self-worth
    and lose your confidence. Confidence is a quality that women are extremely
    attracted to.

    Conclusion, the best revenge is when you improve your life so well that she
    realizes she made a big mistake. And satisfaction comes when you meet
    someone so much better, you are glad the ex is gone. After all, if you are
    seeking revenge, how great could she really have been in the first place!