Are you settling or being too picky?

We don’t always get what we want in life (I know this probably does not come as a shock to you). So, when something like a job or relationship is not exactly what we desire, how do we know if what we want is even reasonable? Are we expecting too much?

How do we know if we are being picky or if we are settling?

I have a really easy way to get super clear on this question that I explain in my vlog today.

Here’s the bottom line:

If you are trying to talk yourself OUT of something, you are being too picky.

If you are trying to talk yourself INTO something, you are settling.

I noticed this distinction after supporting two friends and a client in ending things that were just not aligned with their core values and desires (I share specifics in the video). The overall theme I observed was that they all were contorting into pretzels attempting to talk themselves into something or someone that was not aligned with their non-negotiables or desires.

And at the end of their long speech about how they could possibly compromise, even sacrifice, things that were really important to them, each asked: “Am I being too picky?”

“NO!” I exclaimed. “YOU ARE SETTLING!”

Generally, we attempt to talk ourselves OUT of things that we being too picky about, NOT into them.  You can recognize petty pickiness when you are searching for reasons, excuses and justifications rather than opening your heart and mind to seeing beyond judgments or superficial concerns.

You are settling when you ignore what matters most to you. The truth matters, so stop lying to yourself because you have forgotten how abundant the Universe is. Your values matter. You desires matter. They are your inner compasses.

So, if you are settling, stop it! Get out of the job, relationship or situation that you keep trying to talk yourself into. Take a stand for what you truly desire and deserve.

And if you are being too picky, stop that too! Let go of petty reasons for not fully engaging or giving something a chance. Stop blaming external factors and take responsibility.

Remember: Life is way too short to ever settle!



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  • cesca

    I.m settling. Settling for the life I know and am used to. the life I have known for 20 years even though I have not been happy and am very unhappy now. I feel afraid of the unknown and I talk myself int settling for the life/relationship
    I know but am unhappy with.

    • Rita85

      yep, fear is paralyzing. if you could develop some trust in yourself – it would help you. Trust your inner wisdom — trust your ability to handle the unknown when you get there

    • Christine Hassler

      The unknown is better than a known that is unsatisfying…

  • Bria

    I was settling in my relationship. There were areas where it was amazing and we just “worked” together as a couple. We never fought, we had fun, we were best friends. BUT…there was always a core piece that felt off. It felt crazy to even consider breaking up bc we had a good thing going. We were not connecting at the deep level of vulnerable openness that I truly desire…and I am one who seeks novelty and variety in experiences, where he preferred more solace and time alone. Fortunately, my former partner and I were committed to doing the work and digging into this and as a result we chose to part ways romantically and continue to honor and foster the loving friendship that we have built. Upon making that choice, it was like a weight was lifted and fresh life was born between us. We connected to our truth, even though it was scary and difficult, and as a result it feels good at my core. I have a new sense of knowing that this is my highest choice, along with self-support for when the fears and insecurities come out to play.

    • Christine Hassler

      Beautiful! Thank you for sharing that

    • StepItUpwithSteph

      I can totally relate to that! Loved what you had to say, and thanks to Christine for starting this discussion – love your vlogs!

  • K

    I loved getting this video on your newsletter today since I have been thinking about this for the last few weeks. I have been in a relationship for a year and a half now and I don’t feel happy. Our relationship is great. We are supportive, encouraging and affectionate with each other. It is in fact the healthiest and most constructive relationship I have ever had. But for some reason I keep thinking about the parts that I don’t like about it and I entertain negative thoughts in my head what creates a lot of anxiety in me. It makes me want to just run away from it. Reading and listen to what you said made me think… I am not sure if part of me wants to SETTLE and my anxiety comes to tell me I shouldn’t, or if I am super scared of being happy in a relationship and I am BEING TO PICKY as a way to have an excuse to end it.

    • Rita85

      Take a look and see if ‘dissatisfaction’ is a common pattern in your life ….

    • Christine Hassler

      My suggestion is to try an experiment: for a week focus on ONLY what you like and appreciate about him … And then readdress this question. I have a feeling if you do that you’ll get clarity

  • Launna

    I have come to a point in my life that I will not settle… although I may have become too picky. I am trying to give people a chance which is not always easy after you have been hurt and had trust broken … However; I do think it is worth trying again… Great post Christine :)

  • Ross

    Thanks for your insight. Both the act of talking oneself out of something and into something points to some sort of dissatisfaction. As you point out it’s important to understand its basis (i.e. too picky or settling).

    If someone “settles” with what they can get versus what they want is that person truly settling? If she settles for what she can get but not actually wants she is likely finding a somewhat equally matched partner. On one hand being too picky is sometimes a poorer alternative (although not always)–at least if she does not mind being alone.

  • kayla

    I feel like I am being picky about certain aspects of relationship and settling in other aspects
    Case in point:
    Good family, honest, fair etc…. hits all the notes, but I feel like I am being picky.. eh.
    Great lover but I feel like I am settling

    So confused

    • Christine Hassler

      Kayla, I really hear you and there is no black and white answer. You heart knows. This line might really speak to…what does your heart say when you answer this:

      “If you are trying to talk yourself OUT of something, you are being too picky. If you are trying to talk yourself INTO something, you are settling.”

      Keep listening to the whispers of your heart.