EP 24: Stop Attracting and Dating Unavailable People

ep 24 v1If you have pattern of being in relationships or going after unavailable people (either emotionally unavailable or still in relationship with others), then this episode is a must listen!! You’ll also lean about what I call “Journey Mate” relationships.

When we are first starting a relationship we often try to be the person we think we need to be, rather than our most authentic selves. We believe we need to be a certain way in order to keep the other person attracted to us. What we think is love for the other person is actually a projection of the qualities within ourselves we would like to develop.

When the relationship ends before we think it should, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time, the relationship served us in some way. The other person was a journey mate. Journey mate relationships are a projection of what we need to see in ourselves. If the relationship doesn’t end and we continue sourcing our love from the other person we end up codependent. If this happens we may never fully express ourselves or stand in our power.

I define authenticity as the freedom to be fully expressed. If we are not authentic in our relationships we cannot expect to find the most aligned person for us. More than likely we end up attracting unavailable people who are not ready for commitment.

Steph believes perfection is required of her in her relationships. And since perfection doesn’t exist she experiences Expectation Hangovers, especially in relationships where she feels unable to be her authentic self. Aspiring for perfection has blocked her ability to be emotionally vulnerable.

If you have a pattern of attracting unavailable people or have just lost someone you thought was the one, listen to this call and Saturday’s Coaches Corner.

My book Expectation Hangover is now released in paperback and has a new subtitle – Free yourself from your past, change your present and get what you really want. If you don’t have a copy of it yet order it on amazon, audible or enjoy the company of others in a bookstore.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Do you feel you are living an authentically, self-expressed life?
  • Do you have a pattern of attracting unavailable people?
  • Are you in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person? Are you an emotionally unavailable person?
  • Do you think you have to be perfect (or a certain way) to get the love you want?

Steph’s Question:

Steph finds herself attracted to emotionally unavailable people and it’s hard for her to show her vulnerable side in relationships. She wants to know how to shift to become emotionally available.

Steph’s Key Insights and Aha’s:

  • She has a hard time showing her vulnerable side
  • She doesn’t trust love and can’t get it until she fixes herself
  • She sourced loved through someone else
  • She doesn’t feel good enough
  • She is capable of being her authentic self

How to get over it and on with it:

  • She should come back to what love really is
  • She could accept herself fully and completely
  • Her awareness is the first step of change
  • Write out what perfect and authentic means to her
  • Take a hiatus from dating for a while

Tools and Takeaways:

  • Write down all the things you learned from your journey mate relationship and then turn that on yourself
  • Define authenticity and understand how your most authentic self feels, behaves, communicates and loves
  • Understand where you have walls up around your heart and how you can let people in more

Onnit Wellness – Alpha Brain

Christine Hassler
@christinhassler on twitter
@christinehassler on instagram

How do you feel, behave, communicate and love as your true authentic self?
If you are striving to reach perfection stop right now because it doesn’t exist.”
There are 5 different relationship types. Do you know which ones serve you?


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  • Amanda

    Christine, I absolutely love your podcast! Sometimes I start out listening to an episode thinking it doesn’t apply to me and I wont learn anything but somehow these are the most valuable episodes for me! Thank you for doing what you do!