EP 81: Choosing to Leave an Issue-Based Relationship with Rachel

EP81v1This episode is about issue-based relationships. Today’s caller, Rachel, has been in a relationship for 6 years, and for most of that time she has been uneasy and lonely. She says she doesn’t know if she should leave the relationship. But as you will hear in the call, Rachel knew the answer to her question before she even asked it.

More often than not, the issue that comes up in our romantic relationships has to do with our parents. Whatever we craved but didn’t get from our mother or father, is what we tend to look for in a mate. And, until you heal your core issues, you will continue to seek out approval or attention from your parents, in your romantic relationships.

During the call, it was clear to me Rachel was in an issue-based relationship. Issue-based relationships have a lot of chemistry, and the couple is super-attracted to each other. The physical part of the relationship, especially the making up, hooks you in. One of the reasons you are attracted to the other person is because your issues dovetail. The beautiful thing about issue-based relationships is they are learning opportunities. They bring unresolved issues to the surface, which makes them easier to identify and heal.

It is time to be honest with yourself about the kind of person you are attracted to. Are you playing out unresolved issues from your past in your current relationships? I recommended Rachel join my Inner Circle Community to give her a support system, and a place where she can openly share. It is truly a place where you can invest in yourself.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Whose love, attention, or approval did you crave the most as a child? How has that played out in your relationships?
  • Are you in a relationship you are questioning?
  • Do you know you should be single, but you are frightened by the thought of it?
  • Is your connection with a higher power something you would like to deepen?

Rachel’s Question:

Rachel wants to know if she should stick with a relationship she feels uneasy and lonely in.

Rachel’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She’s not sure what she loves about her partner.
  • As a child, she craved her father’s approval.
  • She entered into the relationship without knowing who he was, because she wanted to be chosen.
  • She feels like she is falling apart.
  • She’s unfamiliar with being by herself.
  • She needed permission to trust her intuition.
  • She feels it’s time to fly.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should take a break from the relationship, and work on herself.
  • She should ask for help from her higher power.
  • She should take a year off from dating.
  • She should move out on her own.
  • She needs to get some outside support.

Assignments:

  • Think about whose love, attention, approval, and affection you craved the most, your mom or dad’s? How are you still searching for it in other people?
  • Start journaling. A good sentence starter is … Dear Mom, I wish you … or Dear Dad, I wish you …
  • Get individual therapy or coaching.
  • Ask for help.
  • Make yourself your number one priority.
  • Join my Inner Circle Community for support from those who WANT to support you.

Sponsor:

Freshbooks: Get a Free 30-Day Unrestricted Trial to Online Accounting Software. Enter “Over It and On With It” in the ‘How did you hear about us?’ section.

Resources:

Christine Hassler
Christine Hassler Podcasts
Over It and On With It Listener Survey
Expectation Hangover
Inner Circle Membership Community
Find me on Snapchat @chrishassler
@christinhassler on Twitter
@christinehassler on Instagram
Jill@Christinehassler.com for Bali Retreat Information
Bali Retreat Enrollment Page
The Work by Byron Katie

Tweetables:

If we just let go and focus on what we love the universe will bring it to us. Just not in the form or timing we… Click To Tweet
Love is not becoming everything you think your partner wants you to be. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet
If you are in an issue-based relationship, work on your own stuff before attempting couples therapy.… Click To Tweet

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  • Ryan LaPerle

    Christine I went and I am going through that exact thing that you spoke about with Rachel. 5 year relationship, I’m 35 and I ended it after years of turmoil and I’m so happy I did but the alone times are hard. I’m 8 months now apart she has a new bf it sucks cause I still hold hope. And at the really low alone times is the hardest but it does make you stronger. I just want you to know you aren’t alone and you do and can have the strength to grow.

    • http://www.christinehassler.com/ Christine Hassler

      Ryan, your are so kind and I love that you are sharing your story and are so supportive.

      • Ryan LaPerle

        Thank you Christine and thank you for replying and all you do. I wrote the first response, right when I found out my ex had a boyfriend and your podcast really helped me. And now there’s things I said in the post I forgot. Thanks for responding and giving me the chance to remind my present self of the knowledge of my past. We grow from resistance. Thank you I hope Rachel is doing well.

  • Christine Zerby

    This was so insightful to me and my current situation! It really helps to not place any blame on either person in the relationship and to treat each other with kindness and respect. Realizing that you chose each other long ago, but have grown and changed is ok, even when it’s hard to move out of your comfort zone. I spent a long time in the no-change zone and all it did was drag out the inevitable. Thanks for this!

    • http://www.christinehassler.com/ Christine Hassler

      Christine, so glad this spoke to you and yes change is 100% ok. So glad you are in truth with yourself and the relationship.