EP 91: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationship with Samantha

EP91v1This episode is about being able to accept love.  Today’s caller, Samantha is in a new loving relationship but has anxiety about it which is causing her to push her partner away. Ultimately, she fears she will sabotage the relationship.

When we lack self-love and acceptance we doubt our own lovability. When what we really want is coming to us we get scared and push it away, because we doubt our own lovability. When we doubt our own lovability it makes us do some sabotaging things when it comes to relationships.

I gave Samantha some practical behavioral shifts, because awareness alone does not create change. If we think our past is part of who we are, we will never be truly free of it. We need to get the point where we realize the past is the past. It happened but it doesn’t have to be who we are.

Many times when we have a difficult experience in our past, we hold on to it because having it gets us pity, love, compassion, and attention from others. On an unconscious level, we hang on to it because we think it is how we can get compassion and be connected to people. When we hold on to our story too much, it gets us in a trap of consistently attempting to heal the past, rather than make the behavioral choices that create what we want in the present and for the future.

Eventually, you have to drop the story.

You’ll notice I used a tough-love approach when coaching Samantha. To understand why I did it and the profound shifts that can occur because of it, check out my Coaches Corner — Tough Love and People who Have Helped Me in Profound Ways.  In last week’s Coaches Corner, I interviewed my friend Amanda Steinberg, author of Worth It. The episode is about embracing your relationship with money. And, don’t miss this week’s Coaches Corner with thought leader Danielle Laporte.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Do you want love, especially in the form of a romantic relationship, but it scares you?
  • Are you in a romantic relationship now, and engaging in sabotaging behavior?
  • Have you talked about your past and your story, but things aren’t shifting for you? Is the anxiety you feel about being in a relationship still there?
  • Are you willing to get out of your comfort zone to break some patterns? Even if it’s scary?

Samantha’s Question:

Samantha would like to know how to be free of the fear and anxiety she is feeling in her new relationship.

Samantha’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She’s afraid of being hurt.
  • She puts up a wall and shuts down when speaking with her new partner.
  • She is trying to protect herself.
  • She still identifies with her story.
  • She is giving the people from her past too much power in her current life.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She needs to go back and deal with her past.
  • To move to the next phase she needs to change her behavior.
  • She should do release writing when instead of zoning out.
  • She needs to understand she is not alone.
  • She needs to do the opposite of her current conditioned response.

Action Steps:

  • Take a look at your old story about love; write it out. What are you still carrying around from your past, you keep playing out? Make a list of the things you think are protecting you.
  • It’s time to break patterns and shift your behaviors. You have to lean in and get a little uncomfortable, if you want change to happen.

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Resources:

Christine Hassler
Christine Hassler Podcasts
Expectation Hangover
Coaches Corner — Tough Love
Inner Circle Membership Community — This month’s focus is sexuality and sexiness.
Find me on Snapchat @chrishassler
@christinhassler on Twitter
@christinehassler on Instagram
Jill@Christinehassler.com

Tweetables:

Fear and anxiety are not part of you. They are feelings created by thoughts and past behaviors that you experience.… Click To Tweet
Worry is the imagination used poorly. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet
The only way to get the love you want, is to go all in. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet

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