EP 97: On-Again and Off-Again Relationships – Stop the Pattern of Breaking Up and Getting Back Together Again with Trinette

EP97v1 imageThis episode is about going back to a relationship even when you know it’s not what you want. Today’s caller, Trinette, is in a volatile relationship, but we uncover that it’s not about him but what he triggers in her.

Do these issues always go back to our parents? Not always. However, our formative years were when our mind programmed the belief systems that govern our current choices. It’s when most of our core wounds occurred because we didn’t have the tools or support to process them in a healthy way.

I don’t like to put labels on things, but I used the term codependent with Trinette to help her understand and relate. Codependency, when boiled down, is really a lack of a healthy sense of self. Codependent people get their self-worth from the approval of others or by taking on others as projects. They can also be people pleasers.

It is possible to heal codependency. Recognizing you are codependent means you are ready and willing to commit to having a healthy sense of self. The first step is to get out of the codependent relationship.

A healthy sense of self means we recognize that we are whole, lovable, and complete, and don’t “need” anyone. Relationships can be an expression of love and connection, rather than an attempt to fill the void.

To my Aussie Friends — My annual trip to Australia is slated for the first 2 weeks of October 2017. I will make time for private intensives and possibly a personal growth retreat or mastermind for wellness entrepreneurs. Email Jill@ChristineHassler.com and let me know what you would like me to create while I am there.

Also,  I am launching a relationship course called Get Over Your BreakUp and On With Love. It’s about healing your old issues and creating the love you want. The 1st 10 people who email Jill@ChristineHassler.com and tell her you want to be in the course will receive a 10% discount.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you in an on again-off again relationship? Do you keep going back for more, even though it’s really not what you want?
  • Can you relate to not feeling unconditional love when you were growing up?
  • Do you experience anxiety or sadness when you are not in a relationship? Do you settle for unhealthy relationships?
  • When it comes to self-love and self-trust, can you admit you have room to grow?

Trinette’s Question:

Trinette would like to know why there is so much back-and-forth in her relationship.

Trinette’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She’s judgmental towards her boyfriend.
  • Sometimes her boyfriend gets physical.
  • She felt like her parents were immature.
  • She has a trust issue with love.
  • The relationship feels addictive to her.
  • She had to do many things on her own growing up.
  • She feels like she has been in survival mode her entire life.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should acknowledge herself for recognizing the issue.
  • She needs to stop going back for more.
  • She needs to give love to herself.
  • She should research co-dependency.
  • She needs to make a choice about her relationship.
  • She needs to let go of the fear that she is like her mother.

Takeaways:

  • If you keep going in and out of a relationship you recognize as codependent, commit to choosing to get out of it.
  • Try these resources on codependency — Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More,  Pia Mellody’s Facing Codependence and Expectation Hangover.
  • Joining my Inner Circle membership community will give you both the tools and the support you need.
  • Forgive the parents who set up your codependent patterns. Write down everything they taught you. Even the things they taught you through contrast.

Resources:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler Podcasts

Inner Circle Membership Community

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@christinehassler on Instagram

Jill@ChristineHassler.com

Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life, by Christine Hassler

JERF Bars

Tweetables:

When parents aren’t around a lot, it’s hard for a child or adolescent to form a healthy sense of self.… Click To Tweet Children need to be loved, but they also need a model of self-love so they are not always looking outside of… Click To Tweet Focus more on the direction you want to go toward than the direction you want to move away from.… Click To Tweet

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  • Brittney Fleshman

    This podcast really spoke to me and helped me realize that I have an issue with codependency. And that it stems from poor relationships with my parents. I just want to say thank you for making this resource available to me. I am going to purchase one of the recommended books and focus on mending my soul to be able to be happy with myself alone, and try to not need a relationship to fill a void.