Letting go of wanting

Greetings from Australia! Today I was having a chat over lunch with my longtime Aussie pal
Amir Zoghi about surrender. We were discussing the importance of letting go of attachment especially when we really desire something. Amir dropped this truth bomb:

“The best way to get what you want is to NOT want it.”

There is such wisdom in that simple statement. The more we want something, the more attached we are to getting it and attachment is something that usually leads to an expectation hangover.

Why does attachment lead to disappointment?

When we are attached to getting a specific result we put far more pressure on ourselves, another person, or a situation. Instead of being in the flow of life, we put our desires in a pressure cooker and project way too far into the future. For example, you have an idea for a business and you begin to set specific goals that you want to hit. As soon as you believe that hitting those goals is going to make you successful, happy, or whatever it is that you want to feel, you are attached. Or let’s say you are longing for a relationship and someone comes along who has potential. The second you want it to turn into anything more than it is right in that very moment creates attachment.

When we become attached to the outcome of how we want something to turn out, we miss out on a lot of things. We miss out on clearly hearing the voice of our intuition because we are future focused and intuition resides in the present moment. We miss out on the preciousness of the moment. We get so caught up in an end result that we skip the learning that comes with being right here, right now. We also miss out on guidance from the Universe or possible red flags because we are so tunnel vision focused on what we want.

So does this mean that we should not want things? Or does it mean we should not set goals?

Well first of all I would not dare to “should” all over you but I will offer you my point of view on this that comes from a LOT of life experience of setting goals and wanting things . . . and consequently expectation hangovers!

Desire is not bad or wrong. It is an important feeling to have because it is a compass. Yet we often misunderstand desire. We think we desire a form or result but we truly desire is the feeling that we believe that form or result will give us. Going back to the examples from above, if you have a career goal it is actually not the goal your mind came up with that is driving you. You are really chasing the feeling you think achieving that goal will give you. Will achieving a goal make you feel successful, proud, and financially secure? If so, generate those feelings without having to hit any specific goal and allow your plans to unfold. Similarly, if you want a relationship, you are really chasing the feeling you think being in a relationship will give you. Will being in a relationship make you feel loved, validated, and passionate? If so, generate those feelings without needing someone else there.

The way to let go of attachment AND still get what you desire is to cultivate the feelings you think what you want will give you without actually having to have it.

Are you willing to let go of your attachment to the belief that you need something external to make you feel a certain way?

Back to what Amir said, “The best way to get what you want is not to want it.” If you are currently cultivating the feelings you desire in the future, you would long for nothing because your experience would be one of completeness. Nothing would feel like it was missing. And from this whole place, anything else that happens only enhances the experience you are already having.

You would be able to let go of the energy of attachment, which I assure you will create much more flow, joy and presence in your life. It also will not push away people or opportunities that feel the pressure cooker of your attachment energy.

I get that this is not an easy concept to comprehend, much less practice, because we live in a world where we are very conditioned to be believe our feelings are a result of results, but they are not. Our truest feelings and desires come from our inner truth and the more tapped in we are to the truth of who we are, the more we realize that we truly have everything we need and want.

I realize you may have thoughts and questions on this topic so please comment and let’s get a discussion going!

Much love,

Christine

P.S.

  • Samiyra

    This post is so relevant to my life right now. Through some intense work with my therapist, we have discovered that I have long standing attachment issues. I struggle with it mostly in relationships, but other areas of my life are impacted as well. A recent connection with a man brought out a lot of my fears and insecurities-which helped me to see myself a bit clearer and work through it as best as I could. However, he has decided to move on for whatever reasons and I am now feeling that expectation hangover I guess. I recognize that I need to let go. I also realized that throughout my life, I haven’t really let anything go. I move on one way or another, but I never make peace with anything. I simply do not know how.

    • http://www.christinehassler.com/ Christine Hassler

      I acknoledge you for your awareness and how this limiting pattern is showing up in your life. You have my support to keep working with your therapist. It is a process of letting go.

  • tam

    I get it I understand this and it truly resonates.. it’s just the implementation seems extremely difficult. Where to start.

    • http://www.christinehassler.com/ Christine Hassler

      Awareness is huge! Start by becoming aware of when you are in attachment energy and gently release your attachment when it is present.

  • Irene B

    Thank you :) !
    This resonates with me, and I’m going to try this – focusing on catching my moments or stretches of Attachment ! I’m prepared to have lots of bitty ones and a few larger Attachments! Hahaha , this will be a Fun Challenge !
    Thanks again for sharing :) !
    -Irene.

    • http://www.christinehassler.com/ Christine Hassler

      Irene, I am so glad you are taking this on as a fun challenge. Let me know how it goes

  • Hope

    The article is suggesting that when we feel attached we fall in the trap of craving a goal hence we miss the moment. A solution is suggested: to internalize the feelings that the gole will give us before the goal is reached. So if I desperately need a man so I feel loved, I should feel I’m loved (by myself and many good people around me). That way I won’t seek a relationship to feel good.
    It’s all great and reasonable. Thank you :). But I struggle to implement it and still feel so needy for a man’s love and compassion… :( which makes me feel alone and very vulnerable:(

    • http://www.christinehassler.com/ Christine Hassler

      Thank you for sharing more and yes it is a process. It sounds like you understand the concept and now putting it into practice is a daily process.

  • MELISSA COSTELLO

    I love this concept and practice it, but no matter how diligent I am with my mind, and how much I practice non-attachment there is a deeper survival belief and reaction that surfaces physically even when I feel as though I am NOT thinking about the outcome of something. I literally have a survival reaction when money is not coming in, or if a potential client says no. Can you speak to how to keep the nervous system calm in this type of scenario.

  • Samar Elatta

    From a concept perspective I understand and really like this blog. Let go of attachment, everything Christine (by the way you’re my hero) said, I’ve experienced, my attachment has definitely scared men away as well as hasn’t helped me get any closer to what I want. But from a ‘how’ perspective I don’t feel I know how to get there. Envisioning the feeling and believing you have it already is easier said than done, I really want to be a ‘mom’ – I get love of children by spending time with my niece and nephews. But still I feel attached and this feeling of time is running out