This episode is about learning the tools to deal with triggers and the avoidant attachment style. This week’s caller, Mike, would like guidance on how to be more open-hearted and vulnerable in his intimate relationships. This session will be of service to those who have an avoidant style and for those who attract Avoidants. We discuss how to understand them and how not to take their actions personally.

Anything is healable. It doesn’t matter what is in your background, childhood, or past. I’ve seen it over and over again. Does it happen overnight? No. Is it always easy? No. Is it going to change overnight? Healable doesn’t mean we go from having an avoidant attachment style to being totally open-hearted, totally secure, and never having triggers.

Healing is not being perfect, not being free of any triggers but really learning how to work with those triggers, manage those triggers, so that they don’t become roadblocks in our life. Triggers can be alarm systems for growth and not a dead end. Awareness is not enough to heal.

People with an avoidant attachment style are not trying to avoid being close or being in love. They are trying to avoid rejection, hurt, and pain. When we are with an Avoidant, and they pull away or put walls up, it can make us feel as if we have done something wrong. But, we cannot take it personally. If you are with an Avoidant, the best thing you can do when they are triggered is don’t attack them, don’t tell them they are doing anything wrong, then reassure them that you are there and you love them.

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Mike’s Question:

Mike would like guidance on how to be more open-minded and open-hearted when approaching his relationships.

Mike’s Key Insights and Ahas:

• His marriage of 12 years recently ended.
• He emotionally shut down in his relationships.
• He has an insecure attachment style.
• Fear of rejection keeps him from being vulnerable.
• He was not loved for being himself as a child.
• He is self-aware.
• He feels as if his personal development work has stalled.
• He does not want to repeat the mistakes of his past.
• He is ready to date again.
• He has high standards.
• He puts walls up to protect himself.
• He struggles to be vulnerable.
• He feels he can apply the practical guidance.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

• Acknowledge himself for the personal development work he is doing.
• Start dating again.
• Lean into vulnerability.
• Accept himself for who he is.
• Have compassion for himself and his fear.
• It is okay to be scared.

Takeaways:

• On the field is the best way to get good at a game. We cannot run from hurt. We have to expose ourselves to triggers so we can integrate and deal with hurt and fear.

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Tweetables:

Attachment styles come from our family of origin and show up in intimate relationships. Click To Tweet Until we open our heart to ourself, it is hard to open it up to others. Click To Tweet What we longed for most as a child is what we need to give our inner child. Click To Tweet