Tag Archives: addiction

EP 143: Step Off the Codependent Path and Break Generational Patterns with Sandie


TEP143his call is about struggling with a decision and breaking free of unhealthy patterns. Today’s caller, Sandie, knows what she should do but needs validation that the choice is the right one for her. My coaching to her covers codependency, overcoming addictions and breaking generational patterns.

Until we heal what has hurt us in our childhoods we look for people who remind us of the parent that hurt us the most. We keep going to the same well, with a different face, hoping that finally there will be water in it instead of healing our core issues, loving ourselves and breaking the pattern.

And, sometimes when a child grows up with a single parent the child grows up more quickly and becomes a kind of surrogate spouse to the single parent. Then, part of the child’s identity is to be in a relationship as a caretaker which can lead to codependency.

A lot of us struggle with accepting the good things that come to us. The universe opens a door but walking through it means leaving something or someone else behind.

When you are delivering the truth with love, if the receiving person gets upset, it is their responsibility. Oftentimes, the most loving choice is the honest choice. Loving someone doesn’t mean placating them. Loving someone doesn’t mean staying in a situation that is not good for you because you don’t want to hurt the other person. Often, the decisions that hurt people the most truly help them the most.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you at a crossroads? Are there decisions you are struggling with?
  • Do you not want to repeat the lives of your parents but you see yourself going down a similar path?
  • Can you identify with being a little codependent? Where you enmeshed with one of your parents?
  • Was one of your parents an addict?
  • Are you currently in a relationship with an addict?

Sandie’s Question:

Sandie feels that she is at a crossroads in her life and would like to know if she should follow a job opportunity.

Sandie’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She is in a relationship with an older man who is an addict.
  • Her father is a severe alcoholic.
  • She never felt loved by her father.
  • She has an offer for a new job.
  • She doesn’t want to follow in her mother’s footsteps.
  • She feels responsible for other people’s feelings.
  • She’s codependent.
  • She always wanted her dad to change.
  • She knew the right thing for her all along.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should say yes to the opportunity to get out of her current situation.
  • She should go to Al-Anon.
  • She needs to get a counselor.
  • She should take a break from dating for one year.
  • She needs to write out what her life will look like if she continues down her current path.

Assignments For You:

  • If you have been or are currently in a relationship with an addict I recommend Al-Anon.
  • If you are coming out of a relationship I encourage you not to date for a while. Get to know yourself.
  • If you have a big decision don’t wait until you feel ready.
  • If you are scared about something imagine a worst-case future scenario.
  • If you are at a crossroads and you don’t know what to do, seek the advice of a professional.
  • If someone in your life says they will change but never do, it might be time for you to make some changes.


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Often, the decisions we think hurt people the most are the ones that help them the most.… Click To Tweet

Until we heal what hurt us in our childhoods, we search out people who remind us of the parent,… Click To Tweet Getting sober and overcoming addiction is a spiritual path. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet


EP 114: Turning OFF On-and-Off Again Relationships with Arelle


This episode is about understanding the basis of relationships that feel like an addiction. Today’s caller, Arelle, has some unresolved daddy issues which keep her latched on to a much older man.

When we have a strong co-dependent relationship and it feels like an addiction or a drug it generally comes from a childhood wound. It is important, developmentally and psychologically, to have a healthy relationship with our parents. If we don’t have a healthy relationship with our parents, and as adults we don’t resolve our issues through inner work, therapy, coaching or spiritual practices, we go looking for what we didn’t get from our parents from the people we date. Often, it is our younger self who picks our relationships. Our survival instinct tells us that if our parents are not there for us we will die. This is why codependent relationships can feel like a death when we try to separate from them, it is because it is triggering the child in us to feel like they may not survive.

Arelle’s relationship issue was more about her father than it was about her guy. Arelle may not have fully grieved the relationship she didn’t have with her father. She never received the validation and attention she wanted from her father so she is playing out the scenario with her guy.

If you relate to this on-again-off-again relationship, you have to choose to stop your relationship. Accept that it is not good for you and get out. A codependent, abusive, toxic relationship is not safe and it’s not what you want.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you in a relationship that some part of you knows is not good for you but you can’t seem to permanently break it off?
  • Are you going through withdrawal because you recently ended a relationship and are tempted to rekindle it?
  • Did you lose a parent at a young age from death, divorce, or abandonment?
  • Do you find yourself looking for safety and security in someone else and identify with being a bit dependent or are do you provide that to someone else?

Arelle’s Question:

Arelle would like to end her codependent relationship but can’t seem to stop going back to him.

Arelle’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • Her father passed when she was young.
  • There is a significant age difference between her and the guy.
  • She has difficulty feeling safe.
  • She may have not completely dealt with her father’s death.
  • She has an eating disorder.
  • She has left her addiction six times.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should find a counselor who is able to connect her past relationships with her present relationships.
  • She should consider going cold turkey and not see or speak with her guy again.
  • She should research codependency support groups and see if there is one in her area.
  • She needs to be a grown up and set herself up for success.


  • Take off your rose-colored glasses. Make a list of the things that are true about your relationship and what you fantasize it to be.
  • Find a counselor or coach who will help you connect the dots. There is no shame in going to counseling.
  • If you are in an on-again-off-again relationship, turn it off. Do something that is good for you and end it for good. 


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