There are many common, limiting beliefs when it comes to love and romance. One belief is the success of a relationship is based on the time it lasts. So, if there is a breakup or divorce, the relationship was considered a failure. Or, if you love someone, you must love them unconditionally and stay with them, for better or for worse, no matter what. Another limiting belief is, the purpose of a romantic relationship is to find THE one who completes you.
In today’s coaching session, we bust through the limiting beliefs to get down to love and truth. Today’s caller, Andrew, finds himself at a challenging crossroads in his marriage. He would like to know how to be supportive to his wife after her recent cancer diagnosis without becoming a doormat.
Andrew shared he is working towards a growth mindset, and up until now his wife has had more of a victim mindset. While I only got to hear one side, I didn’t hear any blame or resentment from Andrew as he shared his story, so I sense his description of the situation is fairly accurate. That is why I coached him to love his wife, to support her and to hold space for her, as she and the entire family process this diagnosis. And in time, have a heart-to-heart with her about how they plan to journey through this Expectation Hangover together.
Diagnoses can be an opportunity for deep healing and transformation. Sometimes, what is for the highest good is not always the easiest or most obvious choice. I coached Andrew through the distinction of spiritual connection and spiritual bypass. It basically comes down to love and truth. Andrew loves his wife, but in truth, they may be growing in different directions. Does this mean the relationship should end? I don’t believe in shoulds. People in a relationship can be growing at different speeds, but still along the same path.
Remember, spirituality is not tolerating people treating us the way they want to treat us. Love and truth go together. Self-honoring choices are often for the highest good of all, and that is the ultimate high road. We can love, encourage, support, and be an example for people, but we can not save anyone else, that is up to them.
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- What soul lessons are you currently learning from your relationship or relationship status?
- Are you making your relationship with yourself or your higher power a priority?
- Are any of your relationships at a point where you are growing in a different direction from each other?
- Do you wonder if being there for someone else in a supportive way is putting your own needs at risk?
- What is the difference between having a spiritual orientation to your relationship, and doing a spiritual bypass and becoming a bit of a doormat?
Andrew’s relationship is experiencing trials and tribulations. He would like to know how to spiritually cope with his wife’s recent thyroid cancer diagnosis.
Andrew’s Key Insights and Ahas:
- His wife’s hormones have been elevated due to a thyroid problem.
- He feels spirituality calling him.
- It’s not his responsibility to save his wife.
- He has recently started a spiritual practice.
- He doesn’t believe his wife is a willing participant in the relationship.
- His current lesson may not yet be resolved.
- It is now up to him to re-parent himself.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
- He should write his wife a letter to share what feels about her and how the diagnosis may be a wake up call to stay committed to working on their relationship. Also, let her know he can not do it alone.
- He should hug his wife every day.
- He needs to take 100% responsibility for his 50%.
Assignments and Takeaways:
- Look back at your romantic relationships to see what lessons you have learned. Write down how each partner has been a soul mate.
- Nurture a relationship with a higher power.
- Do something intentional and devotional every day for someone you care about.
- If there is a difficult conversation you need to have, write a letter and either read the letter to the person or give it to them.
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An Uncommon Bond, by Jeff Brown