Tag Archives: codependency

What you think will hurt someone may help them more

Are you in a relationship that you know is not what you truly want but are afraid to leave because you do not want to hurt the other person? Is there a friendship that has long passed its expiration date but you continue to stay in it because you do not want to hurt someone’s feelings?

Is someone you love, perhaps even your child, struggling with something and you keep saving them or taking care of their issues because you can’t bear to see them in pain?

Are you withholding the truth from someone or not setting necessary boundaries because you do not want them to get upset?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions I ask you to consider that you are really NOT helping the other person and contemplate the idea that in fact what you think will hurt him or her may actually help them more.

A story will help this really sink in . . .

In my early twenties I was engaged to who I believed was the love of my life. Six months before our wedding, he broke off our engagement and moved out of our apartment. I was absolutely devastated. I felt rejected, ashamed, scared and heart-broken. It hurt so badly that some days I did not want to get out of bed.

I received a lot of sympathy and “how could he do that?” comments, yet, I am certain it was not an easy choice for him either. The truth is though that he had to listen to his heart and honor the fact that something did not feel right.

At the time my perspective was that he made a choice that hurt me, but that is actually not the case. Sure, it hurt at the time, but his choice to break off the engagement was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

That expectation hangover inspired me to take a deeper look at myself and own the ways I showed up in a relationship. I looked at how my own unhappiness with myself affected my partner. I dove into my own personal development and worked with my coach because I realized that if I was not happy with myself, then how would anyone else be happy with me?!?!

My career and mission today is a direct result of that breakup and the healing it catalyzed. I would not be living this amazing life that I love had my ex-fiancé not had the courage to end our engagement.

I understand that breaking up with someone, or ending a friendship, or being honest, or stepping back and letting someone you love figure their own way through a difficult situation is not easy. I really get that it can seem cruel. However, what is crueler is not making choices from truth and love. In the long run staying in any relationship that you are not 100% committed to is not fair to either one of you. Withholding honesty in close relationships will make them distant and cause resentment over time and rescuing someone repeatedly impedes their ability to learn self-reliance and resilience.

This is the topic I coach Sandie on during this week’s episode of the podcast. She is in a relationship she knows is not healthy but has been scared to leave because she does not want to hurt her partner.

Go here to listen to episode 143

Being the catalyst for someone else’s expectation hangover, like my ex-fiancé was for me, offers them a wake up call. You could help them MORE by being the reason they work on themselves and ultimately make their own life better. Of course this is not a guarantee, as some people stay in a victim story and remain under gray skies. But all of us have a choice in terms of how we respond to someone else’s behavior and choices.

Please do not sacrifice your own well-being and growth because you are putting someone else’s feelings before your truth. Communicate with love, kindness, compassion and respect. Just because the truth is not necessarily what someone else wants to hear, does not make it mean. The truth is the truth. Have the courage to honor your truth and give others the dignity of their own process.

Love,

Christine

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EP 114: Turning OFF On-and-Off Again Relationships with Arelle

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This episode is about understanding the basis of relationships that feel like an addiction. Today’s caller, Arelle, has some unresolved daddy issues which keep her latched on to a much older man.

When we have a strong co-dependent relationship and it feels like an addiction or a drug it generally comes from a childhood wound. It is important, developmentally and psychologically, to have a healthy relationship with our parents. If we don’t have a healthy relationship with our parents, and as adults we don’t resolve our issues through inner work, therapy, coaching or spiritual practices, we go looking for what we didn’t get from our parents from the people we date. Often, it is our younger self who picks our relationships. Our survival instinct tells us that if our parents are not there for us we will die. This is why codependent relationships can feel like a death when we try to separate from them, it is because it is triggering the child in us to feel like they may not survive.

Arelle’s relationship issue was more about her father than it was about her guy. Arelle may not have fully grieved the relationship she didn’t have with her father. She never received the validation and attention she wanted from her father so she is playing out the scenario with her guy.

If you relate to this on-again-off-again relationship, you have to choose to stop your relationship. Accept that it is not good for you and get out. A codependent, abusive, toxic relationship is not safe and it’s not what you want.

One of my favorite ways to empower people is teaching retreats. So, in March 2018 I am hosting my annual signature retreat. It is an intense 3-day, women only spring event with only 20 spaces available. This is the last time I will lead the retreat as I am training others. For early bird pricing or to find out more e-mail Jill@christinehassler.com or check out Spring Retreat.

Subscribe in iTunes | Stitcher | SoundCloud | Android | Google

 

Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you in a relationship that some part of you knows is not good for you but you can’t seem to permanently break it off?
  • Are you going through withdrawal because you recently ended a relationship and are tempted to rekindle it?
  • Did you lose a parent at a young age from death, divorce, or abandonment?
  • Do you find yourself looking for safety and security in someone else and identify with being a bit dependent or are do you provide that to someone else?

Arelle’s Question:

Arelle would like to end her codependent relationship but can’t seem to stop going back to him.

Arelle’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • Her father passed when she was young.
  • There is a significant age difference between her and the guy.
  • She has difficulty feeling safe.
  • She may have not completely dealt with her father’s death.
  • She has an eating disorder.
  • She has left her addiction six times.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should find a counselor who is able to connect her past relationships with her present relationships.
  • She should consider going cold turkey and not see or speak with her guy again.
  • She should research codependency support groups and see if there is one in her area.
  • She needs to be a grown up and set herself up for success.

Takeaways:

  • Take off your rose-colored glasses. Make a list of the things that are true about your relationship and what you fantasize it to be.
  • Find a counselor or coach who will help you connect the dots. There is no shame in going to counseling.
  • If you are in an on-again-off-again relationship, turn it off. Do something that is good for you and end it for good. 

Sponsor:

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Resources:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler Podcasts

Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

 Tweetables:

When a person dies, we grieve their death and we also grieve what we never received from them… Click To Tweet A codependent, abusive, toxic relationship is not safe and it’s not what you really want for… Click To Tweet Work on your trust issues before you get into a relationship with another… Click To Tweet

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EP 99: Letting Go of an Ex with Michelle

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This episode is about making self-serving decisions. I coach today’s caller, Michelle, through a decision about her long-term relationship. As you can hear in the call, Michelle intuitively knows what she should do, but she needs to be empowered so she can take action.

People feel most confident to make a decision or choice when they feel empowered. We feel most empowered when we arrive at our own answers. During the session, I reflected back to Michelle, and I asked her a lot of questions so she could get to her own answers.

Michelle was invested in saving her husband, but was it more about him or her? Her intentions were pure, but she was outsourcing her self-worth by trying to save him. There was a limiting belief that if she saves or heals him it gives her value.

It’s important to unhook yourself from the role of caretaker or savior. Go back and listen to my after-the-call breakdown of Episode #97 with Trinette for my explanation of what codependency is.

All of us struggle, at one point, with a breakup, a challenging relationship, or lack of a relationship. Our struggles are often a catalyst to dive into personal growth work. We all want love and we all desire healthy, fulfilling relationships.

This is why I designed a special course, Get Over Your Breakup & On with Love. It includes all of my best stuff when it comes to love and relationships. It is for anyone who is looking to get over a hurt and step into self-love and a loving relationship. Over and On With It Podcast listeners get $100 off the course until Sept. 1st. Simply use the promo code: PODCAST.

Also, thanks to those of you who signed up for my Summer of Love Challenge. There are more Challenges coming, so sign up to get a daily email about spreading and sharing love, from me. Plus, when you sign up you become eligible to get 6-months free in my Inner Circle Membership Community.

Subscribe in iTunes | Stitcher | SoundCloud | Android | Google

Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you still hanging on to an ex, either emotionally or physically, even though you know it’s unhealthy to still be engaged?
  • Do you love taking care of others? Is part of your identity to help others or save others?
  • When it comes to self-love, are you good at taking outward actions, but maybe not so good at the internal compassion?
  • Are you more concerned about someone else’s feelings than your own?

Michelle’s Question:

Michelle wants to know if she should stay in her current long-term relationship.

Michelle’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She grew up in an environment of physical and verbal abuse.
  • Her husband is verbally abusive to her and her children.
  • She doesn’t focus on herself.
  • Her 15-year-old daughter wants her to get a divorce.
  • She’s afraid to make the wrong decision.
  • She recognizes she needs to change her life and to give her kids a different environment.
  • She’s known what to do but needed validation to move forward.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She needs to make a decision to break patterns and to change things.
  • She needs to start documenting abuse.
  • She needs to stop beating herself up and practice self-love and self-care.
  • She needs to believe in herself and give herself positive encouragement.

Assignments:

  • Check out my “Get Over a Breakup and On” with Love course.
  • Make a list of your healthy agreements in relationships.
  • Make a list of all the things you are good at doing for other people, and then do them for yourself.

Sponsor:

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Resources:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler Podcasts

Inner Circle Membership Community

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@christinehassler on Instagram

Jill@ChristineHassler.com

Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life,
by Christine Hassler

The Spouse House

Tweetables:

Podcast listeners get a special discount when signing up for my “Get Over Your Breakup and On… Click To Tweet

People feel most confident to make a decision or choice when they feel empowered.http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet

Unhook yourself from the role of caretaker or savior, and give yourself what you give to… Click To Tweet

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Relationship Expiration Dates and Fears of Failure 

It has been a juicy couple weeks on the podcast!

Last week I coached Trinette who has been on again and off again with her ex-fiancé.  She calls it a “volatile” relationship and is questioning what she “should” about this particular man…but the issue is really not about this particular man it goes back much further.

Also, I bring up the term co-dependence in this episode. I am hesitant to throw out labels and I am never giving anyone a diagnosis; however, sometimes having a term that can help us understand something and realize we are not alone is helpful. After the call I do breakdown and explain co-dependence more so be sure to listen to that.

 Go here to listen to episode 97 

Now let’s shift gears to talk about failing.  Particularly, the fear of failing.  In this week’s episode I coach Lindsey who thinks she is calling in to ask me about time management and finding balance. But her block has less to do with time and more to do with her fear of failure. 

If you can relate to always having a “plan” and never wanting to fail or let anyone down, this is a must listen!

Go here to listen to episode 98 

I hope you enjoy and learn from these podcasts.  If you do love listening, please help spread the word about the show. Here is a tweet from you that I copied from a recent review of the show:

Listen to this excellent life coaching podcast on relevant topics related to personal growth and happiness. So inspiring! (tweet this!)

Have an awesome day!!!

Love,

p.s. How would you like VIP access to an incredible tribe of like-minded people and me as your coach?  If that sounds appealing, then join my Inner Circle!  This unique, intimate group composed of men and women from around the world and you can enroll at any time. It is a monthly membership that you can cancel at any time. Learn more here or email jill@christinehassler.com to set up a call and discover if Inner Circle is right for you.