Tag Archives: codependency

EP 114: Turning OFF On-and-Off Again Relationships with Arelle

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This episode is about understanding the basis of relationships that feel like an addiction. Today’s caller, Arelle, has some unresolved daddy issues which keep her latched on to a much older man.

When we have a strong co-dependent relationship and it feels like an addiction or a drug it generally comes from a childhood wound. It is important, developmentally and psychologically, to have a healthy relationship with our parents. If we don’t have a healthy relationship with our parents, and as adults we don’t resolve our issues through inner work, therapy, coaching or spiritual practices, we go looking for what we didn’t get from our parents from the people we date. Often, it is our younger self who picks our relationships. Our survival instinct tells us that if our parents are not there for us we will die. This is why codependent relationships can feel like a death when we try to separate from them, it is because it is triggering the child in us to feel like they may not survive.

Arelle’s relationship issue was more about her father than it was about her guy. Arelle may not have fully grieved the relationship she didn’t have with her father. She never received the validation and attention she wanted from her father so she is playing out the scenario with her guy.

If you relate to this on-again-off-again relationship, you have to choose to stop your relationship. Accept that it is not good for you and get out. A codependent, abusive, toxic relationship is not safe and it’s not what you want.

One of my favorite ways to empower people is teaching retreats. So, in March 2018 I am hosting my annual signature retreat. It is an intense 3-day, women only spring event with only 20 spaces available. This is the last time I will lead the retreat as I am training others. For early bird pricing or to find out more e-mail Jill@christinehassler.com or check out Spring Retreat.


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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you in a relationship that some part of you knows is not good for you but you can’t seem to permanently break it off?
  • Are you going through withdrawal because you recently ended a relationship and are tempted to rekindle it?
  • Did you lose a parent at a young age from death, divorce, or abandonment?
  • Do you find yourself looking for safety and security in someone else and identify with being a bit dependent or are do you provide that to someone else?

Arelle’s Question:

Arelle would like to end her codependent relationship but can’t seem to stop going back to him.

Arelle’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • Her father passed when she was young.
  • There is a significant age difference between her and the guy.
  • She has difficulty feeling safe.
  • She may have not completely dealt with her father’s death.
  • She has an eating disorder.
  • She has left her addiction six times.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should find a counselor who is able to connect her past relationships with her present relationships.
  • She should consider going cold turkey and not see or speak with her guy again.
  • She should research codependency support groups and see if there is one in her area.
  • She needs to be a grown up and set herself up for success.

Takeaways:

  • Take off your rose-colored glasses. Make a list of the things that are true about your relationship and what you fantasize it to be.
  • Find a counselor or coach who will help you connect the dots. There is no shame in going to counseling.
  • If you are in an on-again-off-again relationship, turn it off. Do something that is good for you and end it for good. 

Sponsor:

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Resources:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler Podcasts

Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

 Tweetables:

When a person dies, we grieve their death and we also grieve what we never received from them… Click To Tweet A codependent, abusive, toxic relationship is not safe and it’s not what you really want for… Click To Tweet Work on your trust issues before you get into a relationship with another… Click To Tweet

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EP 99: Letting Go of an Ex with Michelle

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This episode is about making self-serving decisions. I coach today’s caller, Michelle, through a decision about her long-term relationship. As you can hear in the call, Michelle intuitively knows what she should do, but she needs to be empowered so she can take action.

People feel most confident to make a decision or choice when they feel empowered. We feel most empowered when we arrive at our own answers. During the session, I reflected back to Michelle, and I asked her a lot of questions so she could get to her own answers.

Michelle was invested in saving her husband, but was it more about him or her? Her intentions were pure, but she was outsourcing her self-worth by trying to save him. There was a limiting belief that if she saves or heals him it gives her value.

It’s important to unhook yourself from the role of caretaker or savior. Go back and listen to my after-the-call breakdown of Episode #97 with Trinette for my explanation of what codependency is.

All of us struggle, at one point, with a breakup, a challenging relationship, or lack of a relationship. Our struggles are often a catalyst to dive into personal growth work. We all want love and we all desire healthy, fulfilling relationships.

This is why I designed a special course, Get Over Your Breakup & On with Love. It includes all of my best stuff when it comes to love and relationships. It is for anyone who is looking to get over a hurt and step into self-love and a loving relationship. Over and On With It Podcast listeners get $100 off the course until Sept. 1st. Simply use the promo code: PODCAST.

Also, thanks to those of you who signed up for my Summer of Love Challenge. There are more Challenges coming, so sign up to get a daily email about spreading and sharing love, from me. Plus, when you sign up you become eligible to get 6-months free in my Inner Circle Membership Community.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you still hanging on to an ex, either emotionally or physically, even though you know it’s unhealthy to still be engaged?
  • Do you love taking care of others? Is part of your identity to help others or save others?
  • When it comes to self-love, are you good at taking outward actions, but maybe not so good at the internal compassion?
  • Are you more concerned about someone else’s feelings than your own?

Michelle’s Question:

Michelle wants to know if she should stay in her current long-term relationship.

Michelle’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She grew up in an environment of physical and verbal abuse.
  • Her husband is verbally abusive to her and her children.
  • She doesn’t focus on herself.
  • Her 15-year-old daughter wants her to get a divorce.
  • She’s afraid to make the wrong decision.
  • She recognizes she needs to change her life and to give her kids a different environment.
  • She’s known what to do but needed validation to move forward.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She needs to make a decision to break patterns and to change things.
  • She needs to start documenting abuse.
  • She needs to stop beating herself up and practice self-love and self-care.
  • She needs to believe in herself and give herself positive encouragement.

Assignments:

  • Check out my “Get Over a Breakup and On” with Love course.
  • Make a list of your healthy agreements in relationships.
  • Make a list of all the things you are good at doing for other people, and then do them for yourself.

Sponsor:

Daily Harvest — Organic Superfoods delivered to your door. Use promo code OVERIT to get 3 free Daily Harvest cups.

Resources:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler Podcasts

Inner Circle Membership Community

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@christinehassler on Instagram

Jill@ChristineHassler.com

Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life,
by Christine Hassler

The Spouse House

Tweetables:

Podcast listeners get a special discount when signing up for my “Get Over Your Breakup and On… Click To Tweet

People feel most confident to make a decision or choice when they feel empowered.http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet

Unhook yourself from the role of caretaker or savior, and give yourself what you give to… Click To Tweet

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Relationship Expiration Dates and Fears of Failure 

It has been a juicy couple weeks on the podcast!

Last week I coached Trinette who has been on again and off again with her ex-fiancé.  She calls it a “volatile” relationship and is questioning what she “should” about this particular man…but the issue is really not about this particular man it goes back much further.

Also, I bring up the term co-dependence in this episode. I am hesitant to throw out labels and I am never giving anyone a diagnosis; however, sometimes having a term that can help us understand something and realize we are not alone is helpful. After the call I do breakdown and explain co-dependence more so be sure to listen to that.

 Go here to listen to episode 97 

Now let’s shift gears to talk about failing.  Particularly, the fear of failing.  In this week’s episode I coach Lindsey who thinks she is calling in to ask me about time management and finding balance. But her block has less to do with time and more to do with her fear of failure. 

If you can relate to always having a “plan” and never wanting to fail or let anyone down, this is a must listen!

Go here to listen to episode 98 

I hope you enjoy and learn from these podcasts.  If you do love listening, please help spread the word about the show. Here is a tweet from you that I copied from a recent review of the show:

Listen to this excellent life coaching podcast on relevant topics related to personal growth and happiness. So inspiring! (tweet this!)

Have an awesome day!!!

Love,

p.s. How would you like VIP access to an incredible tribe of like-minded people and me as your coach?  If that sounds appealing, then join my Inner Circle!  This unique, intimate group composed of men and women from around the world and you can enroll at any time. It is a monthly membership that you can cancel at any time. Learn more here or email jill@christinehassler.com to set up a call and discover if Inner Circle is right for you.

EP 97: On-Again and Off-Again Relationships – Stop the Pattern of Breaking Up and Getting Back Together Again with Trinette

EP97v1 imageThis episode is about going back to a relationship even when you know it’s not what you want. Today’s caller, Trinette, is in a volatile relationship, but we uncover that it’s not about him but what he triggers in her.

Do these issues always go back to our parents? Not always. However, our formative years were when our mind programmed the belief systems that govern our current choices. It’s when most of our core wounds occurred because we didn’t have the tools or support to process them in a healthy way.

I don’t like to put labels on things, but I used the term codependent with Trinette to help her understand and relate. Codependency, when boiled down, is really a lack of a healthy sense of self. Codependent people get their self-worth from the approval of others or by taking on others as projects. They can also be people pleasers.

It is possible to heal codependency. Recognizing you are codependent means you are ready and willing to commit to having a healthy sense of self. The first step is to get out of the codependent relationship.

A healthy sense of self means we recognize that we are whole, lovable, and complete, and don’t “need” anyone. Relationships can be an expression of love and connection, rather than an attempt to fill the void.

To my Aussie Friends — My annual trip to Australia is slated for the first 2 weeks of October 2017. I will make time for private intensives and possibly a personal growth retreat or mastermind for wellness entrepreneurs. Email Jill@ChristineHassler.com and let me know what you would like me to create while I am there.

Also,  I am launching a relationship course called Get Over Your BreakUp and On With Love. It’s about healing your old issues and creating the love you want. The 1st 10 people who email Jill@ChristineHassler.com and tell her you want to be in the course will receive a 10% discount.

Subscribe in iTunes | Stitcher | SoundCloud | Android | Google

Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you in an on again-off again relationship? Do you keep going back for more, even though it’s really not what you want?
  • Can you relate to not feeling unconditional love when you were growing up?
  • Do you experience anxiety or sadness when you are not in a relationship? Do you settle for unhealthy relationships?
  • When it comes to self-love and self-trust, can you admit you have room to grow?

Trinette’s Question:

Trinette would like to know why there is so much back-and-forth in her relationship.

Trinette’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She’s judgmental towards her boyfriend.
  • Sometimes her boyfriend gets physical.
  • She felt like her parents were immature.
  • She has a trust issue with love.
  • The relationship feels addictive to her.
  • She had to do many things on her own growing up.
  • She feels like she has been in survival mode her entire life.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should acknowledge herself for recognizing the issue.
  • She needs to stop going back for more.
  • She needs to give love to herself.
  • She should research co-dependency.
  • She needs to make a choice about her relationship.
  • She needs to let go of the fear that she is like her mother.

Takeaways:

  • If you keep going in and out of a relationship you recognize as codependent, commit to choosing to get out of it.
  • Try these resources on codependency — Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More,  Pia Mellody’s Facing Codependence and Expectation Hangover.
  • Joining my Inner Circle membership community will give you both the tools and the support you need.
  • Forgive the parents who set up your codependent patterns. Write down everything they taught you. Even the things they taught you through contrast.

Resources:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler Podcasts

Inner Circle Membership Community

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@christinehassler on Instagram

Jill@ChristineHassler.com

Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life, by Christine Hassler

JERF Bars

Tweetables:

When parents aren’t around a lot, it’s hard for a child or adolescent to form a healthy sense of self.… Click To Tweet Children need to be loved, but they also need a model of self-love so they are not always looking outside of… Click To Tweet Focus more on the direction you want to go toward than the direction you want to move away from.… Click To Tweet

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