Tag Archives: Friendship

What you think will hurt someone may help them more

Are you in a relationship that you know is not what you truly want but are afraid to leave because you do not want to hurt the other person? Is there a friendship that has long passed its expiration date but you continue to stay in it because you do not want to hurt someone’s feelings?

Is someone you love, perhaps even your child, struggling with something and you keep saving them or taking care of their issues because you can’t bear to see them in pain?

Are you withholding the truth from someone or not setting necessary boundaries because you do not want them to get upset?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions I ask you to consider that you are really NOT helping the other person and contemplate the idea that in fact what you think will hurt him or her may actually help them more.

A story will help this really sink in . . .

In my early twenties I was engaged to who I believed was the love of my life. Six months before our wedding, he broke off our engagement and moved out of our apartment. I was absolutely devastated. I felt rejected, ashamed, scared and heart-broken. It hurt so badly that some days I did not want to get out of bed.

I received a lot of sympathy and “how could he do that?” comments, yet, I am certain it was not an easy choice for him either. The truth is though that he had to listen to his heart and honor the fact that something did not feel right.

At the time my perspective was that he made a choice that hurt me, but that is actually not the case. Sure, it hurt at the time, but his choice to break off the engagement was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

That expectation hangover inspired me to take a deeper look at myself and own the ways I showed up in a relationship. I looked at how my own unhappiness with myself affected my partner. I dove into my own personal development and worked with my coach because I realized that if I was not happy with myself, then how would anyone else be happy with me?!?!

My career and mission today is a direct result of that breakup and the healing it catalyzed. I would not be living this amazing life that I love had my ex-fiancé not had the courage to end our engagement.

I understand that breaking up with someone, or ending a friendship, or being honest, or stepping back and letting someone you love figure their own way through a difficult situation is not easy. I really get that it can seem cruel. However, what is crueler is not making choices from truth and love. In the long run staying in any relationship that you are not 100% committed to is not fair to either one of you. Withholding honesty in close relationships will make them distant and cause resentment over time and rescuing someone repeatedly impedes their ability to learn self-reliance and resilience.

This is the topic I coach Sandie on during this week’s episode of the podcast. She is in a relationship she knows is not healthy but has been scared to leave because she does not want to hurt her partner.

Go here to listen to episode 143

Being the catalyst for someone else’s expectation hangover, like my ex-fiancé was for me, offers them a wake up call. You could help them MORE by being the reason they work on themselves and ultimately make their own life better. Of course this is not a guarantee, as some people stay in a victim story and remain under gray skies. But all of us have a choice in terms of how we respond to someone else’s behavior and choices.

Please do not sacrifice your own well-being and growth because you are putting someone else’s feelings before your truth. Communicate with love, kindness, compassion and respect. Just because the truth is not necessarily what someone else wants to hear, does not make it mean. The truth is the truth. Have the courage to honor your truth and give others the dignity of their own process.

Love,

Christine

P.S. Have you been wanting to take your coaching business to the next level? Then make sure to register for my Masterclass Training for Coaches, June 30th and July 1st in San Diego, CA. Go here for more details and to register.

P.P.S. I am excited to share that I will be in London and hosting a one day transformation retreat on July 21st. You are invited to join me to work on releasing emotions and situations that are holding you back. Learn tools that create lasting change and give you peace of mind. Connect with other like-minded amazing people. And receive tons of love, guidance, and coaching from me. Go here for more details and to register.

So much good stuff for your ears!!

This time of year seems to be busy for so many of us. It also can be triggering for many of us and I have some videos coming out for you in the next month around dealing with loneliness, stress and family dynamics during the holiday season. Stay tuned for that.

Today I want to update you on what’s been happening on the Over It and On With It podcast where I coach people live on the air.  We have had some amazing episodes lately.

In episode 114, I coach Arelle on turning off an ‘on again and off again’ relationship.  This call is about understanding the basis of relationships that feel like an addiction. When we have a relationship that feels like an addiction or a drug it generally comes from a childhood wound. It is important, developmentally and psychologically, to have a healthy relationship with our parents. If we don’t have a healthy relationship with our parents, and as adults we don’t resolve our issues through inner work, therapy, coaching or spiritual practices, we go looking for what we didn’t get from our parents from the people we date. Often, it is our younger self who picks our relationships . . . and that does not turn out so well!

Go here to listen to episode 114

Episode 115 is about expiration dates in friendship. We are not always good friends to ourselves and it can be reflected back to us in our friendships — like it is in my call with Claire. One of Claire’s friendships has just reached an expiration date and she is learning valuable lessons from it. Other people can be mirrors for us and often, it takes someone else to wake us up. If a friend treats us badly enough it causes us to look inside ourselves to understand what it is showing us. It can show us the kind of friend we are being to ourselves.

Go here to listen to episode 115

And don’t miss episode 116, where I coach Shanna on breaking out of a self-imposed prison cell and taking a conscious action which will lead to change. Shanna needs to squelch her limiting beliefs and embrace her strengths and her power. She has been punishing herself. Shame does that to us. When we feel ashamed about something we overcompensate and that becomes our punishment. Anytime we are in overcompensation mode and do not allow ourselves to live the life we really want, we keep ourselves in a self-imposed prison.

Go here to listen to episode 116

What I love most about this podcast is that in listening to these live sessions, you will realize that you are not alone. We ALL go through challenging things and have obstacles to overcome. It is my honor and great JOY to hold a space for this kind of deep work.

If you would like to be coached on the podcast, email assist@christinehassler.com and we will get you on the waitlist.

And if you are a fan of the podcast, please go to www.christinehassler.com/itunes and leave a rating and review and/or share about the show on your social media platforms. Thank you for your support

Sending you a big dose of love and light,

Christine

EP 115: Friendship Expiration Dates and Building Confidence with Claire

 

EP115v2This episode is about vanquishing self-criticism, letting things go that no longer serve you, and how to get what you want from life.

We are not always good friends to ourselves and it can be reflected back to us in our friendships — like it is today in my call with Claire. One of Claire’s friendships has just reached an expiration date and she is learning valuable lessons from it.

Other people can be mirrors for us and often, it takes someone else to wake us up. If a friend treats us bad enough it causes us to look inside ourselves to understand what it is showing us. It can show us the kind of friend we are being to ourselves.

Don’t stay in an unhealthy friendship or one that doesn’t serve either of you. We tend to hold on to friendships just a little longer because we don’t have to see the person as much. We justify putting up with it or we think we need to stay in the friendship because of the history. Or, we don’t have the guts to end it because we don’t want to upset somebody.

When we have a fierce inner critic it doesn’t compartmentalize. It doesn’t cheer us on in our career and then pick us apart physically. It is pervasive in all aspects of our lives. A fierce inner critic can impact our confidence. We can take something personally to our detriment or we can take it personally toward our growth.

To get what you want, you have to believe that what you want is out there. Your longing is your psychic knowing.

One of my favorite ways to empower people is teaching retreats. So, in March 2018 I am hosting my annual signature retreat. It is an intense 3-day, women-only spring event with only 20 spaces available. This is the last time I will lead the retreat as I am training others. For early-bird pricing or to find out more e-mail Jill@christinehassler.com or check out Spring Retreat.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you compartmentalizing your life? Are you stuck in one area that may be caused by an unresolved issue in another area of your life?
  • If you talked to or treated your friends like you do to yourself would you have any friends?
  • Is your confidence down? Do you find yourself on the receiving end of criticism from other people?
  • Do you have any friendships that have passed their expiration date and are no longer healthy for you to continue?

Claire’s Question:

Claire wants to get unstuck in her life after an emotional falling out with friends.

Claire’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She found a friend’s comments inappropriate.
  • She can be critical of herself and lack self-confidence.
  • Her friend is a mirror of how she treats herself.
  • Questioning herself has impacted her career momentum.
  • She goes through cycles of emotional sensitivity.
  • She doesn’t enjoy certain aspects of her job.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should leverage this experience to perpetuate her growth.
  • She should write down 50 things about herself she is grateful for.
  • She should write out a description of what she wants from her work.
  • She should collect evidence about why the job she wants does exist.

Takeaways:

  • Do a friendship inventory. Look at the friends in your life and ask yourself ‘Is this an aligned friendship? Has this friendship passed its expiration date and is it time to complete this relationship and move on?’
  • How can you be a better friend to yourself? Start being kind to yourself.
  • Write a detailed list of what you want. Get a picture in your mind and take action.
  • Make a list of 50 things you are grateful for.

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Resources:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler Podcasts

Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

Tweetables:

Don’t use self-criticism as a motivational tool.http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet It’s hard to believe in our dreams when we internalize other people’s… Click To Tweet Coaches, drop your agenda. The best way to be an amazing coach is to listen and follow the line of energy that comes… Click To Tweet

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Coaches Corner: Answering Listener Questions

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In this Coaches Corner Christine answers three listeners questions.

The first one has to do with unhealthy dating patterns. The second question, from Joe, is about healing old childhood wounds. And the final question is about how to handle a friendship that may have reached it’s “expiration date.”

Listen in as Christine dishes some advice you can immediately apply to your own life!

To get your questions answered on air and/or be added to the waitlist to be coached, email assist@christinehassler.com

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