Tag Archives: people pleasing

EP 141: Trust Yourself and Stop Going to Other People for Advice with Lorin

ep 141

This call is about is about how to use your anxiety as an alarm system.Today’s caller, Lorin, asks how she can start thriving instead of surviving at work but what we discover together is that her ability to thrive has more to do with her ability to trust and listen to herself.

If you suffer from any type of anxiety this call will be helpful because I teach Lorin not to minimize her feelings and to use them as her personal alarm system.

We all start out being internally referenced, being totally connected to our own intuition, and then something pulls us out. We become externally referenced and that becomes what we are fluent in, which is what other people think of us and our desire to please others. We need to relearn how to become fluent in being internally referenced and trusting ourselves.

People-pleasing is over-caring about what others think, lacking a sense of self and a lack of self-trust. Along with a loss of sense of self, comes anxiety and trouble with making decisions.

And, when you are in a relationship with God or Spirit, it’s more than just praying for things and being grateful. Having that relationship makes it easier to trust yourself. It’s easier to become internally referenced when you have the universe to turn to for the answers.

*Coaches — It is important to ask a lot of questions before you start offering any kind of guidance or solution, or to pull out any tool you have to work with the client on the problem they are presenting. Too many coaches put pressure on themselves to fix a problem before getting enough information.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Do you feel like you are merely surviving rather than thriving?
  • Can you relate to being a people-pleaser?
  • Is feeling anxious on a REGULAR basis something you struggle with?
  • Do often run to others for their advice because you have trouble making decisions on your own?

Lorin’s Question:

Lorin wants to know how she can start thriving, instead of surviving in her career.

Lorin’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She has dealt with anxiety through much of her life.
  • She lost a sister early in her life.
  • She thinks she’s codependent.
  • She puts a lot of labels on herself.
  • She’s a people-pleaser.
  • Her anxiety is an internal alarm.
  • She gives her power away.
  • She’s been trying to get rid of her anxiety instead of using it.
  • She is missing a connection to spirit [God].

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She needs to give herself permission to start looking for another job.
  • She needs to start working with her anxiety.
  • She needs to start taking action without asking other people first.
  • She needs to find her connection or reconnect with God.

Assignments For You:

  • If you experience anxiety use it as your alert system.
  • If you are externally referenced, use a meditation to pull your energy back inward.
  • If you are dealing with a job you don’t like, give yourself permission to look for something more aligned and do your best to get in acceptance of your current job.
  • If you are a people-pleaser, use your intuition toward yourself rather than others and be more selfish.
  • Flex your decision-making muscle. Make decisions 100% on your own and trust yourself.


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People pleasing is not a gift to yourself or others

This month I got to be a cover girl! It was such an honor to be featured in Aspire magazine and share an article I wrote about why people pleasing is selfish. Now I know you may be thinking, “How in the world is people pleasing selfish? It is all about making other people happy. Wouldn’t it be self-LESS?”

Not in my opinion. I share why below . . .

Why being a people pleaser is selfish

Are you concerned about what other people think of you? Do you often make decisions based on what you think will please others? Does your sense of self-worth come from the approval of others? Do you often withhold from sharing what you truly want, think or feel because of fear it may upset someone? Are you often last on your list of priorities?

Believe me, you are not alone. Our egos love to be liked, approved and validated.  It is natural to want to fit in and not “upset others” because it feels safer. All it takes one small experience of feeling criticized, not liked, thinking we’ve upset someone, or getting tons of praise and validation for making others happy to develop people pleasing as a bad habit.

People pleasing is a terrible investment because it depletes your most valuable resources: your time and energy.  Just think about how much energy you waste by obsessing about what other people think of you or trying to strategize your actions to appease others.

Clarification: I am all for being a considerate and generous person.  And it feels wonderful to love others! But being and acting from love is NOT people pleasing.  People pleasing is different because there is an attachment to someone else’s reaction and/or a motivation to please in order to avoid an undesired negative response or judgment or get a positive one.

You may think being a people pleaser makes you a “good” person and is perhaps even a generous or loving way to be.  Nope.  It’s selfish to be a people pleaser.  Why? Because being attached to pleasing others is really about you.  You are the one who wants to be liked. You are the one who does not want to upset anyone.  You are the one who wants to look good for others. You are the one who is not okay with other people’s reactions. You are the one protecting yourself from confrontation.  And you are the one who is choosing to withhold expressing who you TRULY are. And by doing all of those things, you are keeping Yourself, your Light and your Love from the world – and that is selfish.

Remember this: what other people think of you is none of your business.

Obsessing about how to please others or be liked is a misuse of your energy.  Just imagine for a moment what you could create in your life if you took HALF of the time and energy you invest in people pleasing back?  Stop contorting yourself to be what you think others want or expect. See yourself now reclaiming all that time and energy you expend on being over-responsible for others or working to impress others and refocus it on being of service without attachment, sharing your gifts, taking care of you and expressing your true Self!!!  Trust me, when do that you will have an overflow from which to give from and you will be able to give without attachment or expectation.

And remember…

No one else determines your worth.

No one else can dictate what you deserve.

Other people’s reactions, responses and feelings are not your responsibility.

Someone else’s opinion of you is not the Truth.

Your value does not come from how others perceive you.

What other people think of you is none of your business. YOUR business is between you and your Self and you and God.

Have the courage to stop fearing what other people think of you, your choices, and their reactions. People pleasing is selfish, be self-honoring instead.  And the interesting thing is that the more you please yourself, the more pleasing you will be to other people.

I encourage you to check out Aspire Magazine, which is full of inspiration for a woman’s soul. Along with my article, you’ll discover empowering content from some of today’s leading visionaries. Over 80 pages of love, wisdom and inspiration. Peek inside the new issue today. Just go here. While you’re there claim your FREE subscription—it includes over 40 transformational gifts. http://www.aspiremag.net/aspiremag-promo-center-for-dec2017-jan2018-issue/



p.s. This week’s podcast episode was incredibly powerful. I coach Kristen on her relationship with her mother. When she called in, they were not speaking because her mom gave her an ultimatum. Kristen was wondering if she should go the people pleaser route and cave in to her mother’s advice. Want to hear what advice I gave her? Listen in here.

EP 113: Stop Sabotaging Your Wealth and Health and SHINE Your Light with Sara

EP113v2This episode is about shining your light and stepping into your full potential. Today’s caller, Sara, wants to break her pattern of self-sabotage, stop playing small and to live an abundant life.

We don’t just arrive at our full potential. We take steps to move into our full potential by not limiting ourselves, by sharing our gifts, by expressing ourselves authentically, and by going after what we truly want and not feeling any guilt or shame about it wanting it or having it. We fear success and are worried about what other people will think or feel, particularly leaving people behind, because we are growing at different rates. We doubt the goodness coming into our lives and we wait for the other shoe to drop. We end up sabotaging our health, wealth and relationships. But why?

Sara had a habit of creating intimacy through people needing her, through pleasing people or through having a problem or issue she could commiserate about. She would make herself small to create a bond or connection with someone else. I helped her realize what was the payoff of why she was scared to shine her light.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you currently, or has there been a time in the past, where things start going great and you sabotage it?
  • Are you afraid of shining your light because of what other people might think or you may leave people behind?
  • Do you long to feel connected to people so much that you engage in people pleasing or caretaking just because you want to feel like you matter and you want to be connected?
  • Are you willing to admit that you live in a scarcity mindset instead of an abundant mindset?

 Sara’s Question:

Sara would like to break her cycle of self-sabotage when it comes to her business and health.

 Sara’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She fears she will be separate if she lets herself shine.
  • She may be addicted to suffering.
  • She is scared to disrupt the dynamic that creates intimacy.
  • She is afraid of how powerful she really is.
  • She grew up in a scarcity mindset.
  • She is trying to be in both scarcity and abundance.

 How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She needs a new picture of what success and health will look like for her.
  • She should shine brightly from her essence without comparing it to others.
  • She needs to shine so she can empower others to do the same.


  • If you are engaging in self-sabotaging behavior, determine what the payoff is. Write down a new way to get the same payoff. Reflect on any limited beliefs you may have inherited.
  • Think about people who are shining their light and how they inspire you. Get a new picture of what living into your new potential looks like.
  • Write down what your life would look like if you were shining brightly.


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EP 100: How to Find Yourself When You Feel Isolated and Lack Self-Esteem with Judy


EP100This episode is about being your authentic self and speaking your truth. I coach today’s caller, Judy, through her feelings of isolation, and empower her to have an honest conversation with her husband, and herself, about her needs.

Loneliness is an epidemic, especially in this day and age when so many of us live alone. We are not close to our family geographically, or we don’t have a soul family or community to be a part of. We need a healing connection. We need to feel part of something, part of a tribe. We need to feel connected to ourselves. What often perpetuates a feeling of loneliness is a disconnection to ourselves that comes from judging ourselves and being hard on ourselves. If you suffer from loneliness or a lack of self-esteem you are not alone. Let the fact that you are not alone motivate you to gain confidence and to connect with a community.

Speaking your truth is when you say what’s true for you, and you are able to communicate your needs. When are you not speaking your truth?

Many of us think people pleasing is a way to get love and find validation. We think if people see the real us, they may not like us. The more you show the real you, and the more authentic you are, your relationship with yourself will improve, your self-esteem will improve, and the intimacy and connection you have with other people will also improve.

It’s great to make other people happy but it’s more important to please ourselves first, by making self-honoring choices. People pleasing could be the reason you are feeling isolated. On some level, people pleasing is draining.

Drop the people pleasing, up your self-esteem by making self-honoring choices and get out there and find your tribe!

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Do you feel isolated? Are you craving more connection?
  • Are you in a marriage or relationship where you feel isolated? Do you feel like you are dependent on your partner or you are living according to their dreams and desires more than your own?
  • Are you a people pleaser? Do you have a hard time making your needs a priority?
  • Do you find it challenging to speak your truth?

Judy’s Question:

Judy wants to know how to find herself and how to raise her self-esteem.

Judy’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She has been continuously moving for a year.
  • Her husband tries to support her but he doesn’t really get it.
  • Her husband has a stronger personality than she does.
  • She’s dependent on her husband and doesn’t go places on her own.
  • She always puts other people first.
  • She has a hard time saying no.
  • She takes care of people, hoping it will help to build intimacy.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should be honest and vulnerable with her husband about her feelings.
  • She should speak up when she feels she wants to say something.
  • She should lean more into authenticity and less into people pleasing.
  • She should spend some time on her own engaging with other people.


  • If you are in a relationship with the opposite sex, and would like to improve your masculine/feminine communication dynamics, consider studying the subject more.
  • If you are feeling isolated, start with a goal of talking to five new people every day, and then build on that number. Start getting yourself out there and finding your tribe.
  • Speak your truth authentically. If you have trouble doing it, join the Inner Circle community. Authenticity is this month’s area of focus.
  • Communicate your needs to the most important people in your life.


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