This episode is about understanding the basis of relationships that feel like an addiction. Today’s caller, Arelle, has some unresolved daddy issues which keep her latched on to a much older man.
When we have a strong co-dependent relationship and it feels like an addiction or a drug it generally comes from a childhood wound. It is important, developmentally and psychologically, to have a healthy relationship with our parents. If we don’t have a healthy relationship with our parents, and as adults we don’t resolve our issues through inner work, therapy, coaching or spiritual practices, we go looking for what we didn’t get from our parents from the people we date. Often, it is our younger self who picks our relationships. Our survival instinct tells us that if our parents are not there for us we will die. This is why codependent relationships can feel like a death when we try to separate from them, it is because it is triggering the child in us to feel like they may not survive.
Arelle’s relationship issue was more about her father than it was about her guy. Arelle may not have fully grieved the relationship she didn’t have with her father. She never received the validation and attention she wanted from her father so she is playing out the scenario with her guy.
If you relate to this on-again-off-again relationship, you have to choose to stop your relationship. Accept that it is not good for you and get out. A codependent, abusive, toxic relationship is not safe and it’s not what you want.
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- Are you in a relationship that some part of you knows is not good for you but you can’t seem to permanently break it off?
- Are you going through withdrawal because you recently ended a relationship and are tempted to rekindle it?
- Did you lose a parent at a young age from death, divorce, or abandonment?
- Do you find yourself looking for safety and security in someone else and identify with being a bit dependent or are do you provide that to someone else?
Arelle would like to end her codependent relationship but can’t seem to stop going back to him.
Arelle’s Key Insights and Ahas:
- Her father passed when she was young.
- There is a significant age difference between her and the guy.
- She has difficulty feeling safe.
- She may have not completely dealt with her father’s death.
- She has an eating disorder.
- She has left her addiction six times.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
- She should find a counselor who is able to connect her past relationships with her present relationships.
- She should consider going cold turkey and not see or speak with her guy again.
- She should research codependency support groups and see if there is one in her area.
- She needs to be a grown up and set herself up for success.
- Take off your rose-colored glasses. Make a list of the things that are true about your relationship and what you fantasize it to be.
- Find a counselor or coach who will help you connect the dots. There is no shame in going to counseling.
- If you are in an on-again-off-again relationship, turn it off. Do something that is good for you and end it for good.
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