Tag Archives: Relationship

What you think will hurt someone may help them more

Are you in a relationship that you know is not what you truly want but are afraid to leave because you do not want to hurt the other person? Is there a friendship that has long passed its expiration date but you continue to stay in it because you do not want to hurt someone’s feelings?

Is someone you love, perhaps even your child, struggling with something and you keep saving them or taking care of their issues because you can’t bear to see them in pain?

Are you withholding the truth from someone or not setting necessary boundaries because you do not want them to get upset?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions I ask you to consider that you are really NOT helping the other person and contemplate the idea that in fact what you think will hurt him or her may actually help them more.

A story will help this really sink in . . .

In my early twenties I was engaged to who I believed was the love of my life. Six months before our wedding, he broke off our engagement and moved out of our apartment. I was absolutely devastated. I felt rejected, ashamed, scared and heart-broken. It hurt so badly that some days I did not want to get out of bed.

I received a lot of sympathy and “how could he do that?” comments, yet, I am certain it was not an easy choice for him either. The truth is though that he had to listen to his heart and honor the fact that something did not feel right.

At the time my perspective was that he made a choice that hurt me, but that is actually not the case. Sure, it hurt at the time, but his choice to break off the engagement was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

That expectation hangover inspired me to take a deeper look at myself and own the ways I showed up in a relationship. I looked at how my own unhappiness with myself affected my partner. I dove into my own personal development and worked with my coach because I realized that if I was not happy with myself, then how would anyone else be happy with me?!?!

My career and mission today is a direct result of that breakup and the healing it catalyzed. I would not be living this amazing life that I love had my ex-fiancé not had the courage to end our engagement.

I understand that breaking up with someone, or ending a friendship, or being honest, or stepping back and letting someone you love figure their own way through a difficult situation is not easy. I really get that it can seem cruel. However, what is crueler is not making choices from truth and love. In the long run staying in any relationship that you are not 100% committed to is not fair to either one of you. Withholding honesty in close relationships will make them distant and cause resentment over time and rescuing someone repeatedly impedes their ability to learn self-reliance and resilience.

This is the topic I coach Sandie on during this week’s episode of the podcast. She is in a relationship she knows is not healthy but has been scared to leave because she does not want to hurt her partner.

Go here to listen to episode 143

Being the catalyst for someone else’s expectation hangover, like my ex-fiancé was for me, offers them a wake up call. You could help them MORE by being the reason they work on themselves and ultimately make their own life better. Of course this is not a guarantee, as some people stay in a victim story and remain under gray skies. But all of us have a choice in terms of how we respond to someone else’s behavior and choices.

Please do not sacrifice your own well-being and growth because you are putting someone else’s feelings before your truth. Communicate with love, kindness, compassion and respect. Just because the truth is not necessarily what someone else wants to hear, does not make it mean. The truth is the truth. Have the courage to honor your truth and give others the dignity of their own process.

Love,

Christine

P.S. Have you been wanting to take your coaching business to the next level? Then make sure to register for my Masterclass Training for Coaches, June 30th and July 1st in San Diego, CA. Go here for more details and to register.

P.P.S. I am excited to share that I will be in London and hosting a one day transformation retreat on July 21st. You are invited to join me to work on releasing emotions and situations that are holding you back. Learn tools that create lasting change and give you peace of mind. Connect with other like-minded amazing people. And receive tons of love, guidance, and coaching from me. Go here for more details and to register.

EP 143: Step Off the Codependent Path and Break Generational Patterns with Sandie

 

TEP143his call is about struggling with a decision and breaking free of unhealthy patterns. Today’s caller, Sandie, knows what she should do but needs validation that the choice is the right one for her. My coaching to her covers codependency, overcoming addictions and breaking generational patterns.

Until we heal what has hurt us in our childhoods we look for people who remind us of the parent that hurt us the most. We keep going to the same well, with a different face, hoping that finally there will be water in it instead of healing our core issues, loving ourselves and breaking the pattern.

And, sometimes when a child grows up with a single parent the child grows up more quickly and becomes a kind of surrogate spouse to the single parent. Then, part of the child’s identity is to be in a relationship as a caretaker which can lead to codependency.

A lot of us struggle with accepting the good things that come to us. The universe opens a door but walking through it means leaving something or someone else behind.

When you are delivering the truth with love, if the receiving person gets upset, it is their responsibility. Oftentimes, the most loving choice is the honest choice. Loving someone doesn’t mean placating them. Loving someone doesn’t mean staying in a situation that is not good for you because you don’t want to hurt the other person. Often, the decisions that hurt people the most truly help them the most.

Would you like to become a masterful, profitable coach? Join me in San Diego June 30 & July 1st to fast-track the success of your health or life coaching business. There are only 9 spaces left. If you have a service-based business, visit Christine’s Master Class for more information or email Jill@ChristineHassler.com to sign up.

I am conducting a one-day workshop for men and women in London on July 21st. Visit Christine Hassler in London or Jill@ChristineHassler.com for more information.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you at a crossroads? Are there decisions you are struggling with?
  • Do you not want to repeat the lives of your parents but you see yourself going down a similar path?
  • Can you identify with being a little codependent? Where you enmeshed with one of your parents?
  • Was one of your parents an addict?
  • Are you currently in a relationship with an addict?

Sandie’s Question:

Sandie feels that she is at a crossroads in her life and would like to know if she should follow a job opportunity.

Sandie’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She is in a relationship with an older man who is an addict.
  • Her father is a severe alcoholic.
  • She never felt loved by her father.
  • She has an offer for a new job.
  • She doesn’t want to follow in her mother’s footsteps.
  • She feels responsible for other people’s feelings.
  • She’s codependent.
  • She always wanted her dad to change.
  • She knew the right thing for her all along.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should say yes to the opportunity to get out of her current situation.
  • She should go to Al-Anon.
  • She needs to get a counselor.
  • She should take a break from dating for one year.
  • She needs to write out what her life will look like if she continues down her current path.

Assignments For You:

  • If you have been or are currently in a relationship with an addict I recommend Al-Anon.
  • If you are coming out of a relationship I encourage you not to date for a while. Get to know yourself.
  • If you have a big decision don’t wait until you feel ready.
  • If you are scared about something imagine a worst-case future scenario.
  • If you are at a crossroads and you don’t know what to do, seek the advice of a professional.
  • If someone in your life says they will change but never do, it might be time for you to make some changes.

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Resources:

Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community

Christine’s Movement and Alignment Blog Post

Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner

Christine on Facebook

Christine’s Books

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

Assist@ChristineHassler.com — For those interested in being on the show

How to Protect Your Energy Vlog & Blog Post

Tweetables:

Often, the decisions we think hurt people the most are the ones that help them the most.… Click To Tweet

Until we heal what hurt us in our childhoods, we search out people who remind us of the parent,… Click To Tweet Getting sober and overcoming addiction is a spiritual path. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet

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EP 118: Navigating the Mother-Daughter Relationship with Kristin

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This episode is about self-honoring choices, ultimatums, and jealousy in mother-daughter relationships. Today’s caller, Kristin, is looking for guidance in how to proceed after her mother gave her an ultimatum. We also look at the compensatory strategies Kristin has adopted in an effort to deal with things from her childhood.

What is a self-honoring choice? A self-honoring choice is an honest choice rooted in truth that comes from love. Kristin felt she was always in competition with her mother. She became a perfectionist as a compensatory strategy because she felt that she could only receive love if she was perfect. Through her growth work, she is starting to make self-honoring choices for herself.

What are you passionate about? What you are passionate about is often a tie into our spiritual curriculum and our parents are part of that curriculum. Remember, we choose our parents as our teachers. When our parents don’t see us for who we truly are, it can seem cruel. But, part of our soul journey is to heal from past cruelty.

What do you long for from your parents?

Be sure to check out Coaches Corner. Last week I talked about ghosting and flaky behavior, the week before I interviewed Jill about selling skills and I even answer questions. So, if you have a question for me, email assist@ChristineHassler.com.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Is there someone in your life you are not speaking to or have a strained relationship with?
  • If you grew up with two parents, was one more challenging for you to get along with or close to?
  • Do you tend to be attracted, date or marry people you feel you must earn their love?
  • Do you know what self-honoring choices are? If so, do you make them regularly?

Kristin’s Question:

Kristin would like to know how to approach her mother about a recent ultimatum.

Kristin’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She was in an abusive relationship.
  • She made a self-honoring choice.
  • She was always in competition with her mother.
  • Her mother was passive aggressive.
  • She yearned for attention from her mother.
  • Her parents had a horrible relationship.
  • Her existence triggers her mother.
  • She chose her mother.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should keep working on herself and stay strong to break the pattern of contorting herself to make her mother feel better.
  • She should realize her mom may not be able to face her issues.
  • She should continue making self-honoring choices.

Takeaways:

  • Where are you not making self-honoring choices because you are trying too much to please people?
  • And, where are you not making self-honoring choices because you are trying to be the bigger person vs. speaking your truth?
  • Why did you pick your parents and what are they here to teach you?
  • Let go of who you want your parents to be. Accept the fact that if your mother or father truly saw what they needed to see about themselves in order to give you the apology you crave, it might break them.

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Resources:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler Podcasts

Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

Assist@ChristineHassler.com

Tweetables:

Perfectionists are not born. They are created. They think they need to be perfect in order to get… Click To Tweet

Just because someone has a child it doesn’t mean they know how to… Click To Tweet

What do you long for from your parents?http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet

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EP 114: Turning OFF On-and-Off Again Relationships with Arelle

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This episode is about understanding the basis of relationships that feel like an addiction. Today’s caller, Arelle, has some unresolved daddy issues which keep her latched on to a much older man.

When we have a strong co-dependent relationship and it feels like an addiction or a drug it generally comes from a childhood wound. It is important, developmentally and psychologically, to have a healthy relationship with our parents. If we don’t have a healthy relationship with our parents, and as adults we don’t resolve our issues through inner work, therapy, coaching or spiritual practices, we go looking for what we didn’t get from our parents from the people we date. Often, it is our younger self who picks our relationships. Our survival instinct tells us that if our parents are not there for us we will die. This is why codependent relationships can feel like a death when we try to separate from them, it is because it is triggering the child in us to feel like they may not survive.

Arelle’s relationship issue was more about her father than it was about her guy. Arelle may not have fully grieved the relationship she didn’t have with her father. She never received the validation and attention she wanted from her father so she is playing out the scenario with her guy.

If you relate to this on-again-off-again relationship, you have to choose to stop your relationship. Accept that it is not good for you and get out. A codependent, abusive, toxic relationship is not safe and it’s not what you want.

One of my favorite ways to empower people is teaching retreats. So, in March 2018 I am hosting my annual signature retreat. It is an intense 3-day, women only spring event with only 20 spaces available. This is the last time I will lead the retreat as I am training others. For early bird pricing or to find out more e-mail Jill@christinehassler.com or check out Spring Retreat.

Subscribe in iTunes | Stitcher | SoundCloud | Android | Google

 

Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you in a relationship that some part of you knows is not good for you but you can’t seem to permanently break it off?
  • Are you going through withdrawal because you recently ended a relationship and are tempted to rekindle it?
  • Did you lose a parent at a young age from death, divorce, or abandonment?
  • Do you find yourself looking for safety and security in someone else and identify with being a bit dependent or are do you provide that to someone else?

Arelle’s Question:

Arelle would like to end her codependent relationship but can’t seem to stop going back to him.

Arelle’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • Her father passed when she was young.
  • There is a significant age difference between her and the guy.
  • She has difficulty feeling safe.
  • She may have not completely dealt with her father’s death.
  • She has an eating disorder.
  • She has left her addiction six times.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should find a counselor who is able to connect her past relationships with her present relationships.
  • She should consider going cold turkey and not see or speak with her guy again.
  • She should research codependency support groups and see if there is one in her area.
  • She needs to be a grown up and set herself up for success.

Takeaways:

  • Take off your rose-colored glasses. Make a list of the things that are true about your relationship and what you fantasize it to be.
  • Find a counselor or coach who will help you connect the dots. There is no shame in going to counseling.
  • If you are in an on-again-off-again relationship, turn it off. Do something that is good for you and end it for good. 

Sponsor:

THRIVE Market — is an online market that sells organic products at 25-50% below retail. They ship directly to your door. Thrive is offering $60 of free organic groceries plus shipping and a free 30-day trial to my community if they use this special link. 

Resources:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler Podcasts

Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

 Tweetables:

When a person dies, we grieve their death and we also grieve what we never received from them… Click To Tweet A codependent, abusive, toxic relationship is not safe and it’s not what you really want for… Click To Tweet Work on your trust issues before you get into a relationship with another… Click To Tweet

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