Tag Archives: Relationship

EP 118: Navigating the Mother-Daughter Relationship with Kristin

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This episode is about self-honoring choices, ultimatums, and jealousy in mother-daughter relationships. Today’s caller, Kristin, is looking for guidance in how to proceed after her mother gave her an ultimatum. We also look at the compensatory strategies Kristin has adopted in an effort to deal with things from her childhood.

What is a self-honoring choice? A self-honoring choice is an honest choice rooted in truth that comes from love. Kristin felt she was always in competition with her mother. She became a perfectionist as a compensatory strategy because she felt that she could only receive love if she was perfect. Through her growth work, she is starting to make self-honoring choices for herself.

What are you passionate about? What you are passionate about is often a tie into our spiritual curriculum and our parents are part of that curriculum. Remember, we choose our parents as our teachers. When our parents don’t see us for who we truly are, it can seem cruel. But, part of our soul journey is to heal from past cruelty.

What do you long for from your parents?

Be sure to check out Coaches Corner. Last week I talked about ghosting and flaky behavior, the week before I interviewed Jill about selling skills and I even answer questions. So, if you have a question for me, email assist@ChristineHassler.com.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Is there someone in your life you are not speaking to or have a strained relationship with?
  • If you grew up with two parents, was one more challenging for you to get along with or close to?
  • Do you tend to be attracted, date or marry people you feel you must earn their love?
  • Do you know what self-honoring choices are? If so, do you make them regularly?

Kristin’s Question:

Kristin would like to know how to approach her mother about a recent ultimatum.

Kristin’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She was in an abusive relationship.
  • She made a self-honoring choice.
  • She was always in competition with her mother.
  • Her mother was passive aggressive.
  • She yearned for attention from her mother.
  • Her parents had a horrible relationship.
  • Her existence triggers her mother.
  • She chose her mother.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should keep working on herself and stay strong to break the pattern of contorting herself to make her mother feel better.
  • She should realize her mom may not be able to face her issues.
  • She should continue making self-honoring choices.

Takeaways:

  • Where are you not making self-honoring choices because you are trying too much to please people?
  • And, where are you not making self-honoring choices because you are trying to be the bigger person vs. speaking your truth?
  • Why did you pick your parents and what are they here to teach you?
  • Let go of who you want your parents to be. Accept the fact that if your mother or father truly saw what they needed to see about themselves in order to give you the apology you crave, it might break them.

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Resources:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler Podcasts

Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

Assist@ChristineHassler.com

Tweetables:

Perfectionists are not born. They are created. They think they need to be perfect in order to get… Click To Tweet

Just because someone has a child it doesn’t mean they know how to… Click To Tweet

What do you long for from your parents?http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet

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EP 114: Turning OFF On-and-Off Again Relationships with Arelle

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This episode is about understanding the basis of relationships that feel like an addiction. Today’s caller, Arelle, has some unresolved daddy issues which keep her latched on to a much older man.

When we have a strong co-dependent relationship and it feels like an addiction or a drug it generally comes from a childhood wound. It is important, developmentally and psychologically, to have a healthy relationship with our parents. If we don’t have a healthy relationship with our parents, and as adults we don’t resolve our issues through inner work, therapy, coaching or spiritual practices, we go looking for what we didn’t get from our parents from the people we date. Often, it is our younger self who picks our relationships. Our survival instinct tells us that if our parents are not there for us we will die. This is why codependent relationships can feel like a death when we try to separate from them, it is because it is triggering the child in us to feel like they may not survive.

Arelle’s relationship issue was more about her father than it was about her guy. Arelle may not have fully grieved the relationship she didn’t have with her father. She never received the validation and attention she wanted from her father so she is playing out the scenario with her guy.

If you relate to this on-again-off-again relationship, you have to choose to stop your relationship. Accept that it is not good for you and get out. A codependent, abusive, toxic relationship is not safe and it’s not what you want.

One of my favorite ways to empower people is teaching retreats. So, in March 2018 I am hosting my annual signature retreat. It is an intense 3-day, women only spring event with only 20 spaces available. This is the last time I will lead the retreat as I am training others. For early bird pricing or to find out more e-mail Jill@christinehassler.com or check out Spring Retreat.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you in a relationship that some part of you knows is not good for you but you can’t seem to permanently break it off?
  • Are you going through withdrawal because you recently ended a relationship and are tempted to rekindle it?
  • Did you lose a parent at a young age from death, divorce, or abandonment?
  • Do you find yourself looking for safety and security in someone else and identify with being a bit dependent or are do you provide that to someone else?

Arelle’s Question:

Arelle would like to end her codependent relationship but can’t seem to stop going back to him.

Arelle’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • Her father passed when she was young.
  • There is a significant age difference between her and the guy.
  • She has difficulty feeling safe.
  • She may have not completely dealt with her father’s death.
  • She has an eating disorder.
  • She has left her addiction six times.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should find a counselor who is able to connect her past relationships with her present relationships.
  • She should consider going cold turkey and not see or speak with her guy again.
  • She should research codependency support groups and see if there is one in her area.
  • She needs to be a grown up and set herself up for success.

Takeaways:

  • Take off your rose-colored glasses. Make a list of the things that are true about your relationship and what you fantasize it to be.
  • Find a counselor or coach who will help you connect the dots. There is no shame in going to counseling.
  • If you are in an on-again-off-again relationship, turn it off. Do something that is good for you and end it for good. 

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Resources:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler Podcasts

Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

 Tweetables:

When a person dies, we grieve their death and we also grieve what we never received from them… Click To Tweet A codependent, abusive, toxic relationship is not safe and it’s not what you really want for… Click To Tweet Work on your trust issues before you get into a relationship with another… Click To Tweet

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EP 108: Trusting Your Intuition in Love & Relationships with Sandra

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This episode is about listening to your intuition and getting clear about what you want from a relationship. Today’s caller, Sandra, realizes she may want to continue her current relationship due to familiarity or comfort and not because it is truly what she wants from a relationship.

Be mindful of what you are scared of and what you are making your number one fear. Sandra’s fear of losing herself should have been the fear she is paying attention to.

What legitimate fears should you pay more attention to? For example, the fear of losing someone you may be doubting the relationship with or the fear of spending additional years in an unsatisfying relationship? The fear of leaving your job and having less money for a while and dealing with uncertainty or the fear of spending the rest of your life in a career you hate?

Fear can serve us in some way. It can light a fire in us to make necessary changes and when we take action we don’t need the fear. But if you are tapped into the wrong fear you start doubting yourself.

Sandra’s soul wants to know who she is, independent of who she is in a relationship. Will she make the choice that serves the highest good?

If you want to learn to bring your unconscious to your conscious mind so you can remove obstacles from your life join me for my free No Regrets Master Class. Awareness is only the first step. You need a strategy to turn your struggles into your superpowers. During the class, I will share the Iceberg Principle to show you how to do it. Sign up and join me on October 11, 2018. Let me help you live your life with no regrets.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Is there something in your life you are uncertain about?
  • Do you feel guilty about something you have done in a relationship?
  • Would you love for someone you are in a relationship with to change?
  • Are you struggling with a decision but deep down you know what to do?

Sandra’s Question:

Sandra would like some clarity around her current relationship.

Sandra’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She’s afraid of losing herself in her relationship.
  • She hasn’t had any time alone in her adult life.
  • She’s not sure the relationship is healthy.
  • She felt responsible for fixing the relationship.
  • She may be asking for permission to make a decision.
  • She may be playing her father’s role in an effort to get closer to him.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should take three months to do some soul-searching.
  • She should write down the reality of what the relationship was.
  • She should make some self-honoring choices.

Takeaways:

  • Get clear on which fear you need to be paying attention to.
  • Look at the parent you are most like or becoming.
  • Where do you need some space in your life?
  • Use prayer or meditation to find out what is the highest good for all involved.
  • Join my No Regrets master class.

Sponsor:

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Resources:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler Podcasts

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

2018 Bali Retreat Wait List — Email Jill

No Regrets Master Class

Tweetables:

Join my No Regrets master class and learn to live your life with no… Click To Tweet

We never truly lose ourselves in a relationship, we just become more focused on another… Click To Tweet

Being honest is the most self-honoring and loving thing we can do.http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet.

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100% Responsibility = 100% Freedom

Take 100% responsibility for your life.  That sounds quite empowering doesn’t it?  But it also may sound rather challenging especially if you feel like you have been wronged or dealt a crappy hand of cards lately.

But the ONLY way to feel truly free in our life is to take 100% responsibility for our life.  That does not mean we have to like everything that is happening. It does mean we accept what happens and stop fighting with reality.

When we are going through any kind of expectation hangover, especially the ending of a relationship, there is often a tendency to blame the other or feel like a victim in some way. This is even more likely if we feel the other person betrayed us or wronged us in some way. 

But if we REALLY want to heal and be free after something ends, we MUST get out of blaming (others AND ourselves) or feeling like a victim. The only way we get free is if we not only forgive, but also look at what we have learned from the situation so that we do not re-create the same kind of expectation hangover in the future. 

This is exactly what I coach Mary on in episode 105 of my podcast. She is having a really challenging time letting go of an ex – she is obsessing over his new relationship and just can’t seem to get over it even in therapy. She has a powerful shift on this call and I hope you do as well from listening.

Go here to listen to episode 105 

Something my coach, Brandy, says to me often is, “Take 100% responsibility for your 50%.”  I will admit that is challenging sometimes and requires a level of accountability WITHOUT self-criticism.  I have had to learn how to take responsibility for what has happened – or hasn’t happened – in my life without regretting things or beating myself up . . . and I encourage you to do the same! 

We cannot change the past but we can learn from it and create a different present and future. (Tweet this!!)

And that is exactly what Mary, who I coach in episode 105, has the opportunity to do. 

Also be sure not to miss episode 104 where I coach Jobe.  He cannot seem to get over his ex and we discover a very surprising reason why he can’t seem to let go which has to do with his integrity. I coach him into taking a very powerful action that supports him in taking 100% responsibility. 

Go here to listen to episode 104 

I so appreciate you listening to the podcast. If you enjoy the show, please share about it and leave a rating and review. It is super easy to do and helps the show a lot.

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Have a beautiful day and, remember, take 100% responsibility for your life!!

Love,

Christine