Tag Archives: Relationship

Coaches Corner: A Chat with my Co-Host Dr. Isaiah Pickens

podcast img new 800 x 800A surprising gig that happened for me this year is co-hosting and being a relationship expert on a TV show!! This week my co-host from the show, Dr Isaiah, joins me to talk about our experience as experts on this show – it was quite a ride.

Tune in to see us in action on “The Spouse House” which airs Sunday nights beginning July 9th on TLC.

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EP 91: Stop Sabotaging Your Relationship with Samantha

EP91v1This episode is about being able to accept love.  Today’s caller, Samantha is in a new loving relationship but has anxiety about it which is causing her to push her partner away. Ultimately, she fears she will sabotage the relationship.

When we lack self-love and acceptance we doubt our own lovability. When what we really want is coming to us we get scared and push it away, because we doubt our own lovability. When we doubt our own lovability it makes us do some sabotaging things when it comes to relationships.

I gave Samantha some practical behavioral shifts, because awareness alone does not create change. If we think our past is part of who we are, we will never be truly free of it. We need to get the point where we realize the past is the past. It happened but it doesn’t have to be who we are.

Many times when we have a difficult experience in our past, we hold on to it because having it gets us pity, love, compassion, and attention from others. On an unconscious level, we hang on to it because we think it is how we can get compassion and be connected to people. When we hold on to our story too much, it gets us in a trap of consistently attempting to heal the past, rather than make the behavioral choices that create what we want in the present and for the future.

Eventually, you have to drop the story.

You’ll notice I used a tough-love approach when coaching Samantha. To understand why I did it and the profound shifts that can occur because of it, check out my Coaches Corner — Tough Love and People who Have Helped Me in Profound Ways.  In last week’s Coaches Corner, I interviewed my friend Amanda Steinberg, author of Worth It. The episode is about embracing your relationship with money. And, don’t miss this week’s Coaches Corner with thought leader Danielle Laporte.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Do you want love, especially in the form of a romantic relationship, but it scares you?
  • Are you in a romantic relationship now, and engaging in sabotaging behavior?
  • Have you talked about your past and your story, but things aren’t shifting for you? Is the anxiety you feel about being in a relationship still there?
  • Are you willing to get out of your comfort zone to break some patterns? Even if it’s scary?

Samantha’s Question:

Samantha would like to know how to be free of the fear and anxiety she is feeling in her new relationship.

Samantha’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She’s afraid of being hurt.
  • She puts up a wall and shuts down when speaking with her new partner.
  • She is trying to protect herself.
  • She still identifies with her story.
  • She is giving the people from her past too much power in her current life.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She needs to go back and deal with her past.
  • To move to the next phase she needs to change her behavior.
  • She should do release writing when instead of zoning out.
  • She needs to understand she is not alone.
  • She needs to do the opposite of her current conditioned response.

Action Steps:

  • Take a look at your old story about love; write it out. What are you still carrying around from your past, you keep playing out? Make a list of the things you think are protecting you.
  • It’s time to break patterns and shift your behaviors. You have to lean in and get a little uncomfortable, if you want change to happen.

Sponsor:

ONNIT: Get a 10% discount on your order by using this link.

Resources:

Christine Hassler
Christine Hassler Podcasts
Expectation Hangover
Coaches Corner — Tough Love
Inner Circle Membership Community — This month’s focus is sexuality and sexiness.
Find me on Snapchat @chrishassler
@christinhassler on Twitter
@christinehassler on Instagram
Jill@Christinehassler.com

Tweetables:

Fear and anxiety are not part of you. They are feelings created by thoughts and past behaviors that you experience.… Click To Tweet
Worry is the imagination used poorly. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet
The only way to get the love you want, is to go all in. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet

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Why we stay when we know we should go

Fear often keeps us in situations that have long passed their expiration dates.  We stay in jobs that we no longer enjoy because we are too scared of uncertainty. We stay in relationships that are unhealthy because we are too scared to be alone.

Why is fear so powerful? So much that it either delays or prevents us from going after what we really want?

This is exactly the issue I coached Rachel on in this weeks episode of Over it and On with It. She has been in a relationship for 6 years, and for most of that time she has been uneasy, lonely and has never felt like a priority.  Fear of being on her own, emotionally and financially, is the thing that keeps her in a relationship that has long passed its expiration date.

A topic that we explore in this call is how attraction often is based on needs that were not met by our parents. A question Tony Robins asks in his interventions, “Whose love did you crave the most as a child?” This is a fantastic question because we tend to look for whatever we did not receive from a parent in a romantic partner. Until we heal core issues, we will continue to seek out approval or attention we did not get in the past in current romantic relationships.

During the call, it was also clear to me that Rachel was in an issue-based relationship. Issue-based relationships have a lot of chemistry, and the couple is super-attracted to each other. The physical part of the relationship hooks you in. One of the reasons you are attracted to the other person is because your issues dovetail. The beautiful thing about issue-based relationships is they are learning opportunities. They bring unresolved issues to the surface, which makes them easier to identify and heal.

It is time to be honest with yourself about the kind of person you are attracted to. Are you playing out unresolved issues from your past in your current relationships?

Even if you are not in an issue based relationship or questioning if you should stay or go, you’ll be touched by Rachel’s vulnerability and learn a lot from this episode.

Listen in to Episode 81 here.

Love,
Christine

p.s. How would you like VIP access to me as your coach and an insider look at my best tips and tricks to empower you to uplevel your life?  If that sounds appealing, then join my Inner Circle!  This unique, intimate group composed of men and women from around the world and you can enroll at any time. It is a monthly membership that you can cancel at any time..  Learn more here or email jill@christinehassler.com to set up a call and discover if Inner Circle is right for you.

EP 81: Choosing to Leave an Issue-Based Relationship with Rachel

EP81v1This episode is about issue-based relationships. Today’s caller, Rachel, has been in a relationship for 6 years, and for most of that time she has been uneasy and lonely. She says she doesn’t know if she should leave the relationship. But as you will hear in the call, Rachel knew the answer to her question before she even asked it.

More often than not, the issue that comes up in our romantic relationships has to do with our parents. Whatever we craved but didn’t get from our mother or father, is what we tend to look for in a mate. And, until you heal your core issues, you will continue to seek out approval or attention from your parents, in your romantic relationships.

During the call, it was clear to me Rachel was in an issue-based relationship. Issue-based relationships have a lot of chemistry, and the couple is super-attracted to each other. The physical part of the relationship, especially the making up, hooks you in. One of the reasons you are attracted to the other person is because your issues dovetail. The beautiful thing about issue-based relationships is they are learning opportunities. They bring unresolved issues to the surface, which makes them easier to identify and heal.

It is time to be honest with yourself about the kind of person you are attracted to. Are you playing out unresolved issues from your past in your current relationships? I recommended Rachel join my Inner Circle Community to give her a support system, and a place where she can openly share. It is truly a place where you can invest in yourself.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Whose love, attention, or approval did you crave the most as a child? How has that played out in your relationships?
  • Are you in a relationship you are questioning?
  • Do you know you should be single, but you are frightened by the thought of it?
  • Is your connection with a higher power something you would like to deepen?

Rachel’s Question:

Rachel wants to know if she should stick with a relationship she feels uneasy and lonely in.

Rachel’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She’s not sure what she loves about her partner.
  • As a child, she craved her father’s approval.
  • She entered into the relationship without knowing who he was, because she wanted to be chosen.
  • She feels like she is falling apart.
  • She’s unfamiliar with being by herself.
  • She needed permission to trust her intuition.
  • She feels it’s time to fly.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should take a break from the relationship, and work on herself.
  • She should ask for help from her higher power.
  • She should take a year off from dating.
  • She should move out on her own.
  • She needs to get some outside support.

Assignments:

  • Think about whose love, attention, approval, and affection you craved the most, your mom or dad’s? How are you still searching for it in other people?
  • Start journaling. A good sentence starter is … Dear Mom, I wish you … or Dear Dad, I wish you …
  • Get individual therapy or coaching.
  • Ask for help.
  • Make yourself your number one priority.
  • Join my Inner Circle Community for support from those who WANT to support you.

Sponsor:

Freshbooks: Get a Free 30-Day Unrestricted Trial to Online Accounting Software. Enter “Over It and On With It” in the ‘How did you hear about us?’ section.

Resources:

Christine Hassler
Christine Hassler Podcasts
Over It and On With It Listener Survey
Expectation Hangover
Inner Circle Membership Community
Find me on Snapchat @chrishassler
@christinhassler on Twitter
@christinehassler on Instagram
Jill@Christinehassler.com for Bali Retreat Information
Bali Retreat Enrollment Page
The Work by Byron Katie

Tweetables:

If we just let go and focus on what we love the universe will bring it to us. Just not in the form or timing we… Click To Tweet
Love is not becoming everything you think your partner wants you to be. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet
If you are in an issue-based relationship, work on your own stuff before attempting couples therapy.… Click To Tweet

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