Tag Archives: self development

What you think will hurt someone may help them more

Are you in a relationship that you know is not what you truly want but are afraid to leave because you do not want to hurt the other person? Is there a friendship that has long passed its expiration date but you continue to stay in it because you do not want to hurt someone’s feelings?

Is someone you love, perhaps even your child, struggling with something and you keep saving them or taking care of their issues because you can’t bear to see them in pain?

Are you withholding the truth from someone or not setting necessary boundaries because you do not want them to get upset?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions I ask you to consider that you are really NOT helping the other person and contemplate the idea that in fact what you think will hurt him or her may actually help them more.

A story will help this really sink in . . .

In my early twenties I was engaged to who I believed was the love of my life. Six months before our wedding, he broke off our engagement and moved out of our apartment. I was absolutely devastated. I felt rejected, ashamed, scared and heart-broken. It hurt so badly that some days I did not want to get out of bed.

I received a lot of sympathy and “how could he do that?” comments, yet, I am certain it was not an easy choice for him either. The truth is though that he had to listen to his heart and honor the fact that something did not feel right.

At the time my perspective was that he made a choice that hurt me, but that is actually not the case. Sure, it hurt at the time, but his choice to break off the engagement was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

That expectation hangover inspired me to take a deeper look at myself and own the ways I showed up in a relationship. I looked at how my own unhappiness with myself affected my partner. I dove into my own personal development and worked with my coach because I realized that if I was not happy with myself, then how would anyone else be happy with me?!?!

My career and mission today is a direct result of that breakup and the healing it catalyzed. I would not be living this amazing life that I love had my ex-fiancé not had the courage to end our engagement.

I understand that breaking up with someone, or ending a friendship, or being honest, or stepping back and letting someone you love figure their own way through a difficult situation is not easy. I really get that it can seem cruel. However, what is crueler is not making choices from truth and love. In the long run staying in any relationship that you are not 100% committed to is not fair to either one of you. Withholding honesty in close relationships will make them distant and cause resentment over time and rescuing someone repeatedly impedes their ability to learn self-reliance and resilience.

This is the topic I coach Sandie on during this week’s episode of the podcast. She is in a relationship she knows is not healthy but has been scared to leave because she does not want to hurt her partner.

Go here to listen to episode 143

Being the catalyst for someone else’s expectation hangover, like my ex-fiancé was for me, offers them a wake up call. You could help them MORE by being the reason they work on themselves and ultimately make their own life better. Of course this is not a guarantee, as some people stay in a victim story and remain under gray skies. But all of us have a choice in terms of how we respond to someone else’s behavior and choices.

Please do not sacrifice your own well-being and growth because you are putting someone else’s feelings before your truth. Communicate with love, kindness, compassion and respect. Just because the truth is not necessarily what someone else wants to hear, does not make it mean. The truth is the truth. Have the courage to honor your truth and give others the dignity of their own process.

Love,

Christine

P.S. Have you been wanting to take your coaching business to the next level? Then make sure to register for my Masterclass Training for Coaches, June 30th and July 1st in San Diego, CA. Go here for more details and to register.

P.P.S. I am excited to share that I will be in London and hosting a one day transformation retreat on July 21st. You are invited to join me to work on releasing emotions and situations that are holding you back. Learn tools that create lasting change and give you peace of mind. Connect with other like-minded amazing people. And receive tons of love, guidance, and coaching from me. Go here for more details and to register.

Is There Someone You’re Trying to Change or Save?

Is there someone in your life you really hope will change? Do you find yourself taking on the responsibility for other people’s transformation? Do you even get annoyed when you see someone you care about not living into the potential you see in them?

I get it. When I dove into all this personal growth stuff in my early twenties, boy oh boy, did I find myself preaching a lot. I had so much new information I wanted to share about how we can awaken and free ourselves from suffering. When I saw someone suffering, I felt a responsibility to save them. And when someone was not acting the way I thought was best, I really believed I could change them. HA!

What I have learned over the years is that it is not our job or our right to save anyone. But obviously we want to make a positive impact on others so how do we do that without taking on the responsibility of savior?

Many years ago I was in a relationship with someone and wanted him to be different. My spiritual teacher at the time said something to me that I have never forgotten. As I was complaining about how he wasn’t doing “his work” and “diving deep enough into his issues” she looked at me and lovingly said, “Christine, you do not walk into a nursery and wake up sleeping babies.”

In that moment, I got it . . .

People wake up when they are ready to wake up. Sure we may inspire some part of their awakening but ultimately it is on their own Divine timing. It is more loving to give someone the dignity of their own process instead of trying to try to change them. (Tweet This!!)

This may make logical sense; however, often it’s hard to give up trying to change someone – be it a friend, family member or romantic partner. You think your love is the magic potion that will save or transform them. You see the hurt little boy or girl under the toxic behavior. You recognize the pain underneath the addiction. You can see all their potential and possibility.

I see this pattern in so many, especially those of you Lightworkers.  But it is exhausting to take on the responsibility for someone else’s transformation. And the reason it is exhausting is because it is not possible. The only person you can change is the one reading these words right now.

Going back to the example from my own life, I realized that the person that really needed to go to a deeper level spiritually and emotionally was me. But it was way easier to fixate on him and all the things he could and should do differently.

My encouragement to you is turn your focus back toward yourself and give the other person back to God. Their awakening is between them and their Higher Power.

If someone is not changing or evolving in the way you are requesting or hoping to inspire, that is not your fault. You have a huge heart with so much love to give and I understand that it feels like love can heal anything.

Sure we can be catalysts for another person’s change but in MOST cases in order to be that catalyst we have to be totally unattached to being it. It is detachment, acceptance and honoring our own truth that often creates the inspiration for someone to find the truth within themselves. That said, don’t try to strategize about how to be unattached hoping they will change – that is still attachment!

Instead walk the talk. Be the vibration you desire from others. What inspires people most is how you live your life.  Stop trying to wake up sleeping babies. . . let their precious souls rest until they are ready.

Is there someone you have been trying to save or trigger their transformation? I am here to support you in liberating yourself from that responsibility and respecting their process.

Fondly,

Christine