Tag Archives: sharing

How to set (and keep!) healthy boundaries

Research has proven that people who feel connected to others live longer, healthier lives. Creating and maintaining healthy relationships is essential to our well-being, yet not always easy . . .

Sometimes we have to set boundaries with people, which can be hard to do (especially if you relate to being a people-pleaser).

What exactly are healthy boundaries? When do we set them? And how do we do it in a way that is loving?

These are the questions I explore in today’s vlog. I also reveal the #1 reason why so many of us know we should set a boundary with someone but do not follow through with it.

We are all here to learn and grow so it’s natural to experience growing pains with people you care about. The key word here is growing not pain. Setting boundaries is part of growth.

A boundary is an self-honoring agreement inside yourself or with another person that supports your well-being AND comes from love. When we tolerate hurtful or negative treatment from another, we end up building up resentment or eventually completely pulling away. Having the courage to communicate our needs and setting a boundary is more loving then pretending something is okay when it isn’t. (Tweet This!!).

There are two kinds of boundaries. The first one being Internal boundaries, which are agreements we make with ourselves to modify a relationship. For example, you may have a very negative friend who complains every time you are together. Perhaps you have even asked the person to be more positive and they have not adjusted. You are not ready to completely sever the friendship so instead you set a boundary that you will only make plans with that person once a month versus weekly.

The other type of boundary is one you verbally request from another. Say you have a relative who always asks you, “So are you dating anyone?” or “What’s going on with your career, find a job yet?” Their intrusiveness laced with a tone of judgment makes you cringe. You want to (or have to) be around them but you keep building up resentment whenever the intrusive question is asked. Time to set a boundary!! I give you an example of how you can say it in the video.

Boundaries not only prevent us from getting resentful and eventually throwing up a barrier, they also save us from being a doormat.

So if they are so helpful, why are they so hard to set and keep? Well because we are scared. Scared that the person will be hurt or mad. Scared they won’t like us. Scared that the relationship will end.

But what is scarier is being in unhealthy relationships or tolerating behavior that feels hurtful. For relationships to grow, there are sometimes growing pains. The other person may very well get hurt or angry. You are not responsible for their reaction. You are responsible for communicating honestly and with love.

Remember: being loving is being real, authentic and courageous. It is not all words of affirmation and rosy language. Consider what boundaries it may be time to set to grow yourself and your relationships.

In the words of Brene Brown: “When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”

Love,

Christine

P.S. I am excited to share that I will be in London and hosting a one day transformation retreat on July 21st. You are invited to join me to work on releasing emotions and situations that are holding you back. Learn tools that create lasting change and give you peace of mind. Connect with other like-minded amazing people. And receive tons of love, guidance, and coaching from me. Go here for more details and to register.

EP 12: How to Deal With Rejection

Episode____12If you have ever dealt with the pain of rejection, this episode will help!  Perhaps you’ve heard, “Rejection is God’s Protection” but the process of rejection feels pretty awful until we learn what it is really about. Our caller today, Alex, has courageously opened up to another person and shared her truth with them. But the other person did not reciprocate her feelings. She asks me how she can get over her heartbreak and rejection and get on with her life.

If you have ever felt the pain of rejection or find yourself in an avoidance trap, listen to the tips I give Alex at the end of our call. You can also find resources in my book, Expectation Hangover, to help heal yourself.

We also talk about speaking our truth – which takes takes courage. We ponder on how our message will be received; but if we believe in our truth, there is value in getting it out into the world.

When our truth needs to be told to another person and they don’t realize the outcome we are hoping for we often take it personally. We perceive their response as if something is wrong with us or we did something wrong.

Our fear of the possible rejection is an avoidance trap. An avoidance trap is spending our time and energy avoiding what we don’t want rather than working towards what we do want.

By understanding that we consistently attract experiences to help us heal our core wounds, we realize rejection doesn’t really exist. It is merely a projection of unowned, unseen qualities inside us.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

What are you construing perceived rejection to mean about you?

What was so attractive about the person or situation you feel didn’t choose you?

Is there someone you have feelings for but are too scared to tell them?

Has something upset you but you don’t have the guts to speak your truth?

Alex’s Question:

Alex wants to know how to best handle the heartbreak and rejection she is feeling after telling someone she loves them and finding out the feelings are not mutual.

Alex’s Key Insights and Aha’s:

  • She struggles with feeling as though she didn’t fit in while growing up
  • She feels she gave away her power
  • She is learning to read people
  • She realizes she is stronger than she thought she was
  • She doesn’t need to look outside herself for her worthiness

How to get over it and on with it:

  • Don’t look to others to find your own worth
  • Trust your desires and have faith
  • Be kind to yourself during this time

Tools and Takeaways:

  • Let go of anger and resentment – Empty out your “negative” emotions in a letter and then rip it up
  • Write a goodbye letter you don’t intend to mail that includes:
  1. ○  I’m saying goodbye because …
  2. ○  I learned from you …
  3. ○  I thank you for …
  4. ○  I forgive myself for …
  5. ○  I forgive myself for …
  • Say what you need to say – Speak to the person even if they are not there
  • Set boundaries with yourself and move on
  • Engage in activities that encourage self-acceptance
  • Do a positive projection exercise

Resources:

Christine Hassler
Expectation Hangover
@christinhassler

Tweetables:

Are you exerting more effort to avoid things you don’t want rather than towards things you do want?
Are you having trouble getting over heartbreak and wondering what you did to cause it?
Do you find it difficult to express how you feel to another person?
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