This call is about struggling with a decision and breaking free of unhealthy patterns. Today’s caller, Sandie, knows what she should do but needs validation that the choice is the right one for her. My coaching to her covers codependency, overcoming addictions and breaking generational patterns.
Until we heal what has hurt us in our childhoods we look for people who remind us of the parent that hurt us the most. We keep going to the same well, with a different face, hoping that finally there will be water in it instead of healing our core issues, loving ourselves and breaking the pattern.
And, sometimes when a child grows up with a single parent the child grows up more quickly and becomes a kind of surrogate spouse to the single parent. Then, part of the child’s identity is to be in a relationship as a caretaker which can lead to codependency.
A lot of us struggle with accepting the good things that come to us. The universe opens a door but walking through it means leaving something or someone else behind.
When you are delivering the truth with love, if the receiving person gets upset, it is their responsibility. Oftentimes, the most loving choice is the honest choice. Loving someone doesn’t mean placating them. Loving someone doesn’t mean staying in a situation that is not good for you because you don’t want to hurt the other person. Often, the decisions that hurt people the most truly help them the most.
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- Are you at a crossroads? Are there decisions you are struggling with?
- Do you not want to repeat the lives of your parents but you see yourself going down a similar path?
- Can you identify with being a little codependent? Where you enmeshed with one of your parents?
- Was one of your parents an addict?
- Are you currently in a relationship with an addict?
Sandie feels that she is at a crossroads in her life and would like to know if she should follow a job opportunity.
Sandie’s Key Insights and Ahas:
- She is in a relationship with an older man who is an addict.
- Her father is a severe alcoholic.
- She never felt loved by her father.
- She has an offer for a new job.
- She doesn’t want to follow in her mother’s footsteps.
- She feels responsible for other people’s feelings.
- She’s codependent.
- She always wanted her dad to change.
- She knew the right thing for her all along.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
- She should say yes to the opportunity to get out of her current situation.
- She should go to Al-Anon.
- She needs to get a counselor.
- She should take a break from dating for one year.
- She needs to write out what her life will look like if she continues down her current path.
Assignments For You:
- If you have been or are currently in a relationship with an addict I recommend Al-Anon.
- If you are coming out of a relationship I encourage you not to date for a while. Get to know yourself.
- If you have a big decision don’t wait until you feel ready.
- If you are scared about something imagine a worst-case future scenario.
- If you are at a crossroads and you don’t know what to do, seek the advice of a professional.
- If someone in your life says they will change but never do, it might be time for you to make some changes.
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