This call is about the importance of self-trust and acceptance in a relationship. Today’s caller, Don, recently reunited with his partner after a seven-month break from their long-distance relationship and would like guidance on how to make sure he gets what he needs from the relationship during the ‘do-over.’

So many of us go into the compensatory strategy of over-achieving whenever we feel ‘less than’ in any way. Whenever we feel less than our ego has to come up with a way to compensate for it. It only serves to distance ourselves from who we truly are. When we are out there consistently trying to prove ourselves we are unconsciously running with the belief that we are never enough. We look for external validation through the acknowledgment of others.

Many people who believe they have ‘good’ childhoods often minimize something that happened that impacts the rest of their life.

Issues in relationships CAN be resolved through communication. Create agreements in your relationship rather than expectations. Don’t expect the other person to read your mind and don’t think that just because you say something it’s ‘message sent, message received.’ Be sensitive about your partner’s needs; make agreements about how you can reassure them and how you can meet their needs.

If you meet the agreements and it still isn’t working then it’s time to reevaluate the relationship to ensure it’s a value match.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you giving a relationship a second chance? Are you in a do-over?
  • Have you ever been in a long-distance relationship?
  • Growing up, did you feel like you were in the shadow of a sibling?
  • Have you ever felt invisible? Do you have to try extra hard to get noticed?

Don’s Question:

Don wants to know Christine’s thoughts about the ‘do-over’ in his current relationship.

Don’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • He is in a two-year, long-distance relationship.
  • They took a seven-month break.
  • There were trust issues in the relationship.
  • He feels limited by his partner’s insecurities.
  • He grew up in the shadow of his older sister.
  • He overcompensates to get attention.
  • His relationship choices are based on safety.
  • He doesn’t know true intimacy.
  • He wants to be appreciated for just being him.
  • He has trust issues.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • He needs to get clear about what he values and what he deserves from a relationship.
  • He needs to express his needs and make clear agreements.
  • He needs to fall in love with himself.
  • He needs to be in gratitude to himself.

Assignments For You:

  • No relationship with others is bulletproof. So, don’t put pressure on it to be.
  • Evaluate your relationship with yourself. Is it a healthy relationship?
  • Identify your compensatory strategies.
  • Give from your energy overflow. Don’t empty yourself out.
  • Write down your top five core values for a relationship.
  • Practice self-acknowledgment.


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