The heart of this coaching session is about feeling safe and speaking your truth. Sara’s mother is trying hard to mend a relationship damaged by alcoholism but is striking out when it comes to giving Sara what she needs. We work through the steps Sara can take to release the resentment and educate her mother about what she really needs because we cannot shift our relationships until we shift something inside ourselves.
Expressing our needs is important. Often, we love others the way we need or want to be loved and we miss the mark with the other person. This is why it is important to ask the other person how they want to be loved and what they need and then for us to express our needs to them. Set people up for success, don’t expect them to be mind readers.
And when dealing with the challenges of growing up fast or in an unpredictable and chaotic environment, it is hard to work with our inner child when our inner child wasn’t a child for very long. If life was always unpredictable or chaotic we are always strategizing about what we have to do to keep the peace. We live in a constant state of anxiety because we don’t feel safe.
In an effort to not create more chaos and manage anxiety, we may become perfectionists. It gives the anxiety something to do.
We shift old patterns with self-talk, by being curious, by letting go, being messy and asking for and receiving help.
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- Did you grow up with an alcoholic parent? Or in a very chaotic environment?
- Are you a perfectionist?
- How are you at setting boundaries? Are you afraid of how the other person might react?
- Do you want to be more social but it creates anxiety for you?
- Do you feel fully self-expressed?
Sara would like guidance on how to move forward in her relationship with her mother and set appropriate boundaries.
Sara’s Key Insights and Ahas:
- She is the oldest of four children.
- She holds on to deep-seated beliefs about her role in her family.
- Her mother is an alcoholic and is in AA.
- She feels hurt by her mother.
- She has been trying to work through this for a long time.
- She had to grow up fast.
- She had to parent her parent.
- She surrenders control to others.
- She is attempting to mother herself through others.
- She wants to step into using her own voice and sharing her opinion.
- She becomes a chameleon when she feels unsafe.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
- She should attend the upcoming Signature Spring Retreat to release her feelings for the final time.
- She should ask her fiance to reassure her and say “I got this,” when she falls into a control issue.
- She needs to deconstruct the belief that she has to do everything on her own.
- She should become an observer of people’s reactions when she speaks her truth.
- She needs to change her self-talk and reassure herself that she is safe.
- She needs to look at people as if they are puzzles.
- She needs to practice asking for help.
- She should write a letter to her mother including what she needs.
Assignments For You:
- Let go of perfectionism and be messy. Ask for support and receiving it even if it’s not the way you would do something.
- Look at people like puzzles and manage your self-talk when you don’t feel safe. Take actions in your adult life that help reparent your inner child.
- Write a letter to someone you want to set boundaries or shift a relationship with.
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Tweetables:Part of what helps us not be perfectionists is having times in our lives where we can just be messy and free and we don’t have to have it all together. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet We want to set people up for success in the best way we can. We need to teach people how to love us, be with us, and what we need. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet The way to let go of perfectionism and control is to let yourself be messy and surrender control to others. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet