This episode really isn’t about sex, it’s secondary. What this call is really about is letting go of your past so you can enjoy your present and future and letting go of judgment, especially of other people. Today’s caller, Michaela, feels guilty about judging her partner about something she perceives as a problem. And, whenever we are judgmental of another person it’s usually an indicator that there is something inside of us we need to look at.
If you notice you are being judgmental or being irritated with someone else, you may be projecting some part of yourself onto them. Maybe it is reflecting a part of you that you don’t want to look at or you don’t like about yourself.
Are you neglecting some part of your life — your sex life maybe? You may have a good reason for it. You are too busy, or tired, or you have kids? Or, is there a history of abuse that has made you disconnect from your sexuality all together?
When you have the identity of a sexual abuse survivor you can get caught up in it. What you really want to be is a sexual thriver. If you were abused or molested and you are not enjoying your body you are giving the abuser, or molester, power over your body even today. By not reclaiming your power in a healthy way you continue to perpetuate the cycle of abuse. It’s time to take your power back.
There are two common reactions to being sexually abused. One is being promiscuous or over-sexualized, having fewer boundaries around sex, or who you have sex with. This is more common when sexual abuse happened at a younger age.
Then the other extreme is disconnecting from sexuality altogether. When true intimacy sets in or if life gets busy, you feel like you can take sex or leave it. Sex may not feel enjoyable and many people can check out of their bodies during sex. Now, this doesn’t just apply to sexual abuse victims. This happens to a lot of people especially women when we get too much in our heads and we’ve got too much baggage we are repressing. It mutes our sexuality.
If your sexuality is on the back burner and it is not something you have given much attention to then perhaps it’s time to start giving it some attention. Sexuality isn’t just about having sex. It’s about having pleasure in our bodies and being connected.
- If there is someone in your life you are judging harshly without taking an honest look at yourself?
- To all the moms out there, have you paid more attention to the kids and less to your partner or spouse?
- Have you had sexual trauma or bad sexual experiences that have dimmed your desire or enjoyment of sex?
- Are you avoiding going back and reprocessing pain from your past because you think it’s going to re-traumatize you?
Michaela would like guidance on how to take the judgment, and the guilt she feels from it, out of her marriage.
Michaela’s Key Insights and Aha’s:
- Her partner is overweight.
- There is love but no passion in her marriage.
- She experienced sexual abuse as a child.
- She has difficulty with intimacy.
- She focuses on the kids more than her partner.
- She realizes her husband is starved for physical intimacy.
- She wants to take back her power for giving and receiving pleasure.
- She feels hopeful.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
- She needs to forgive herself for how she feels.
- She should seek out a Somatic therapist who focuses on sexual abuse.
- She should look into S-Factor classes or dance classes.
- She should listen to the “Pleasure on Purpose” interview with Dr. Heike Joy Hudson.
- She will be attending my Spring Retreat in San Diego.
- Practice projection. If you spot it, you got it.
- Listen to Episode #131 about Self-love and my Coaches Corner the “Pleasure on Purpose” interview with Dr. Heike Joy Hudson.
- Do something that brings you pleasure. Dance, put your feet in the grass, just do something that makes you feel good.
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