This episode is about redefining personal freedom, stepping out of one’s comfort zone, and opening up to intimate relationships. Today’s caller, Scott, has met someone who is different from the women he usually attracts. He finds himself distancing himself from her and would like some guidance on whether he is doing it as part of an unhealthy pattern or if it is because he fears losing his freedom. Whether or not you are in a relationship I think you will relate to a lot of things we discussed on this call.
It is common for anyone who grows up in a restrictive environment or a volatile household to yearn for freedom. And if something holds them down, they just want to run.
The closer we get to what we want or things we have always longed for, the more we push it away; the more we get scared. We become unsure as to if it is the thing we really want. We don’t know if we can trust it or if it will last. Whenever there is uncertainty, there is a part of us that doesn’t know what to trust.
But unless you are going to pursue a life of isolation as your spiritual path, part of the biggest way you can grow is with people. If you are living in this world, don’t think you will achieve enlightenment without any kind of relationships. We need friendships, colleagues, and romantic relationships. We need those mirrors to help us get to the next level.
And freedom isn’t about not being committed to something. Freedom isn’t about doing whatever you want whenever you want — that’s running. Freedom is really about being the fullest expression of you are. You can be incredibly committed to people and projects and feel freer than you ever have before.
Update your definition of freedom to being fully self-expressed and notice how you can lean into situations that in the past may have felt confining and find freedom there.
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- Did you grow up in an environment that felt super-constrictive in someway?
- Do you feel safer on your own? Is not being in a relationship a better way for you to grow?
- Is freedom one of your top values; and what does freedom mean to you?
- Have you or do you attract mean or critical people?
- When things get intimate and vulnerable with another person, do you let them get close; do your walls go up or do you run?
Scott has a tendency to attract mean people but he has met someone nice and is not sure if he is comfortable with it.
Scott’s Key Insights and Ahas:
- His personal healing practice is important to him.
- He is used to attracting mean people.
- He was criticized as a child.
- He withdraws into himself when he feels constricted.
- He doesn’t want to lose an opportunity for a good relationship.
- His is in the Personal Mastery course and the Inner Circle.
- His father would go into violent rages.
- Freedom means being able to be himself.
- He fears being seen as inadequate.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
- He needs to decide if he wants intimacy in his life.
- He needs to stand up for himself and set boundaries.
- He needs to be crystal clear about how he feels externally.
- He needs to step out of his comfort zone.
- He needs to let the woman in question see him more.
- Ask yourself what your core values are. If freedom is one, give it a good definition.
- Consider what your protective patterns are. Ask yourself if you want to continue playing out the pattern or is it time to shift it?
- Notice where you are giving your younger self a voice; are you speaking up? Are you standing up for yourself?
- Where can you lean further into intimacy? Where do you still have walls around your heart?
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