The essence of this call is helping caller, Kathryn, see that empowerment and having a vision for her life comes from feeling vulnerable and safe. She is looking for others to see her and for external validation. During the call, we dive into the root of why she has so much trouble getting over relationships that have ended. Most of our time is spent on how she can find safety inside of herself instead of how to get over someone.

Feeling safe is something that applies to everyone, whether you are getting over a relationship or not. Safety, the feeling of being seen, heard, and being able to express your most vulnerable parts is a key feeling for us because it is tied to our survival mechanisms. When we don’t feel safe — when we feel like someone is going to leave, judge us, or hurt us, we experience anxiety, insecurity, overwhelm, fear, and other undesirable feelings.

So much of the self-help advice out there is about feeling love and self-love but from my point of view feeling safe is primary. And, it’s something that is not talked about enough. We can’t really feel love until we feel safe. We need to understand that from an evolutionary perspective that unless we feel safe it is nearly impossible to be seen and feel loved. When we truly feel safe inside ourselves and are getting our needs met, our need for validation dramatically decreases.

When a major figure in our life does not express their love, affections, feelings, or acknowledgment of us in a way we can feel, we don’t feel safe and we are constantly seeking validation. Think about the people you feel safest with, they probably have expressed how much they care for you and love you. That’s why you feel safe with them.

When it comes to getting over something and not holding on to it and being able to move forward we must take off our rose-colored glasses to see the truth.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Do you have trouble moving on from things? Are you still holding on to someone or something and have a tough time of getting over things in your life?
  • Are you seeking validation from outside sources? Maybe you don’t feel safe unless you are in a relationship? Do you have trouble validating yourself internally?
  • Do you suffer from anxiety? Do you feel like you have a hole in your lower chest or stomach area?
  • Do you feel safe? Do you know how to make yourself feel safe or even know what that means?

 

Kathryn’s Question:

Kathryn feels she holds on to relationships too long and wants guidance on how to break the pattern of how long it takes to get over someone.

 

Kathryn’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • When she feels rejected, she has a tough time letting go of relationships.
  • She doesn’t know how to communicate her needs.
  • She wants to prove she is good enough and worthy of love.
  • She craves love and validation.
  • She pulls back when someone shows her affection.
  • She has built walls to guard her heart.
  • She often feels anxious.
  • She believes love will go away.
  • She thinks she can’t love until she is loved by someone.
  • She doesn’t know how to take care of herself when she doesn’t feel safe.
  • She participates in the Personal Mastery course.
  • She tries to have her needs met outside of herself.

 

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She needs to be aware of the masks she wears.
  • She needs to be vulnerable.
  • She needs to let love in.
  • She needs to practice recognizing the patterns she plays out.
  • She needs to do a physical support exercise.
  • When she feels unsafe, she needs to ask herself what she needs.
  • She should write down the truths that existed in her past relationships.

 

Takeaways:

  • Pattern interrupt yourself when you feel unsafe. Acknowledge the feeling and then ask yourself what you need.
  • Do the wall support exercise and repeat the affirmation “I am safe.”
  • When you are working to get over someone, write down all the truths about the relationship. The truth about you, the truth about the other person, and the truth about the dynamic.
  • If you feel rejected by someone, look at where they might not have been ready for a relationship or where they might have walls up.
  • Join the Personal Mastery online course with live monthly calls.

 

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Resources:

Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community.

To watch episodes of coaching sessions, go to Youtube.com/christinehassler

Christine’s Personal Mastery Course

Christine’s Signature Retreat

Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner

Christine on Facebook

Christine’s Books, including Expectation Hangover

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

Assist@ChristineHassler.com — To get on the waiting list for this show.


Tweetables:

It’s hard for people who are chasing validation to be vulnerable because they always feel they must be someone they are not. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet When we truly feel safe inside ourselves and are getting our needs met, our need for validation dramatically decreases. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet We don’t pretend because we are deceitful. We pretend because deep down we are afraid that someone won’t love us if they see the real us. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet

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