EP 190: Stop Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places with Jane

This episode is about feeling worthy and looking for love in other people when you didn’t receive it from a parent or primary caregiver. Today’s caller, Jane, is confused about what to do in her relationship. Her question leads us into a much deeper conversation about why she is experiencing confusion in the first place.

When we are confused about something, it’s usually because something in our past is being triggered about a decision we are making for our future.

When we don’t feel loved by the people in our family, of course, our wires get crossed. We start to look for love in some not-so-loving places.

It’s important if you relate to becoming physical in a relationship in search of love that you let go of any shame you may have about it. We all play out our wounding in different ways and it’s very common to look for love and validation in sex in both men and women. If we didn’t get love and care from our primary caregiver a lot of times we’ll look for it in the arms of a lover.

But if the shame gets to be too much we can look for someone who is “safe” but there isn’t much chemistry or attraction with them. Because what was driving the sexual attraction in the past was fueled by wounding. Your wounding can make someone seem very attractive. I call it an issue-based relationship.

Every person is worthy of love and attention. But insecurities and limiting beliefs can make us feel that receiving love and attention without giving anything in return can be challenging.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you struggling with making a decision about something like work, or relationship and just can’t seem to get clarity?
  • Have you ever looked for love in the arms, or the bed, of another person?
  • Have you ever had sex with someone you really didn’t want to have sex with but you were longing for love and attention? Or, did you think it was the only way you could keep that person?
  • When it comes to your upbringing, are there some things you brush under the rug or perhaps you have a parent or caregiver you put on a pedestal and it’s difficult to address the not-so-great things about how they parented you?

Jane’s Question:

Jane would like guidance on how to move forward in her current romantic relationship.

Jane’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • Her partner treats her well.
  • She’s had her heart broken a few times in the past.
  • She’s used physical attention to try and gain love.
  • She doesn’t feel worthy of love.
  • Her older sister stopped speaking with her.
  • She doesn’t feel comfortable around her father.
  • There was tension in her childhood home.
  • She tries to make relationships peaceful.
  • She tries to avoid conflict.
  • She’s love-starved.
  • She’s confused about what love is.
  • She loves her father but he is unpredictable.
  • She doesn’t stick with things for very long.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She needs to forgive herself and release any shame for being physical with men to attract love.
  • She needs to get some help working through her wounding.
  • She needs to put a pause on her relationship.
  • She needs to be more committed to herself and her healing.


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Do you make yourself feel small because you think you made someone else feel small? http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet When our parents don’t give us the love we need we look for it in the people we date. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet It’s better to deal with the truth than to live in a fantasy and avoid reality. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR #overitandonwithit Click To Tweet

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