This episode is about a fear of being seen and a deep longing to be seen and have more intimate relationships. Today’s caller, Teema, is looking for guidance on how she can get over her fear of loss. But like many sessions, the call takes a different direction when we peel back what is at the true root of Teema’s question.
If you are lonely; if you are a people pleaser who wears masks because you want people to like you, are afraid of judgment, or you fear that showing the real you will result in bad things happening, maybe you truly, deeply want to be seen but the process of it is scary because maybe people won’t like you?
So many people can relate to a pattern of people-pleasing. The part of you that thinks you need to be a certain way in front of certain people. You may put on a mask, or turn into a chameleon. This is not a pattern you should judge, this is not a pattern to shame or throw out because it HAS served you. It has protected you. Somewhere along the line, most likely in your childhood, you decided the way to avoid conflict, the way to fit in, the way to get validation, and the way to be liked is to be what other people needed you to be. Or, to make sure other people are happy.
It’s a pattern tied to our survival because in our modern-day brain, survival is attached to belonging and one of our worst fears is that we are not going to belong. If we think we need to people-please or turn into chameleons to belong, we do it.
But eventually, our soul wants more. If we are always wearing a mask then we are never really truly seen. And, we all want to be seen for who we truly are. In fact, that is how we build trust and create safety with another. It’s taking off the mask and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable so we can be seen and know that the other person won’t shame us, judge us, or leave us.
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- Do you feel lonely? Do you have people in your life but are not truly connected to them?
- Do you fear loss? You want good things in your life but you are afraid you will lose it.
- Are you uncomfortable with people not liking you or judging you in some way so much so that you often turn into a people-pleasing chameleon?
- Do you feel truly seen in your life?
Teema would like clarity and guidance on how to get over an overwhelming sadness and fear of loss.
Teema’s Key Insights and Ahas:
- She feels drawn to getting a new career.
- She feels lonely.
- She has friends but they are not close.
- She lives with barriers around her.
- She feels people don’t see the real her.
- She fears people may not like her.
- She’s a chameleon.
- She yearns for relationships.
- She judges herself and feels she is not where she should be in life.
- She wants others to see her as empathetic and kind.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
- She needs to step outside of her comfort zone.
- She needs to love and accept all parts of herself, without judgment.
- She needs to focus on getting the right people into her life and gracefully moving others out.
- She needs to start trusting her own inner wisdom.
- If we want to be seen, you must be willing to see yourself.
- Make a list of your primary relationships and consider what masks you wear with each person.
- Journal and answer the following stem sentences, “If people really knew me…, If people really, really knew me…, and If people really, really, really knew me…” and then answer, ‘then what’?
- Make a list of the things you want people to see about you and start to acknowledge those things about yourself.
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Tweetables:Pay more attention to how things feel and how we feel and make it more important than how things look. Click To Tweet When our actions and intentions line up, the universe does show up for us. Click To Tweet When we don’t feel seen, we don’t feel a sense of belonging, which leads to our feeling lonely. Click To Tweet