This episode is about breaking the cycle of abuse. Today’s caller, Joe, just got out of a relationship where he abused his ex-girlfriend mentally, emotionally, and physically and she wasn’t the first. Compassion is key as you listen to this call. Being a human being is tricky. We never know someone’s backstory when we judge them.

I don’t believe we have to be fully healed and free of issues when we are in a relationship. If you are in a dynamic where you are mentally, physically, emotionally, or sexually abusing someone or you are receiving abuse, it’s hard to heal that situation while you are in that dynamic. It’s easier to get out of the relationship and not look to another person to heal it with. It truly is an inside job.

The same thing with trust. It’s hard to work on trust issues with another person. Trust issues are also an inside job. We start to trust ourselves, our support team but building trust when we have been betrayed and abandoned as a child is hard to do in an intimate relationship because that’s where we feel most vulnerable. So we must build our strength and flex our muscles outside of a relationship so when we get in the relationship we have self-trust, and we know how to manage ourselves when we get triggered.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Have you come from a traumatic past or home and you’ve never truly healed it or dealt with it and you know it is impacting your life?
  • Have you been in an abusive relationship either as the person being abused or as the abuser?
  • Do you live with guilt and shame over something you’ve done?
  • Do you have difficulty trusting people so much so that you test them and push them away?


Joe’s Question:

Joe has tried to change his behavioral patterns but would like additional help understanding his feelings to break the cycle.


Joe’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • He was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to someone he loved.
  • He was sexually abused as a child.
  • His parents had mental issues.
  • He has trust issues and pushes people away.
  • He is even abusive to himself.
  • He didn’t have any role models growing up.
  • He is on a journey of healing.
  • He is in Al-Anon.
  • He wants to have a loving, healthy family one day.
  • He feels guilt and shame.


How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • He should have compassion for himself while he is on his healing journey.
  • He should hold off on getting into a relationship.
  • He can hold on to his dream of having a family but he needs to remove the worry from his life right now.
  • He should make it known that he is ready for his healers.
  • He needs to set his previous girlfriend free and not date for a while.



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