This call is about personal growth and the effect it may have on a long-term relationship. Today’s caller, Sara, is working through her past trauma and childhood wounds and making a connection with her inner child. But, her relationship with her husband is not shifting. She is wondering if it is a relationship dynamic that will adjust.

Even though the person who is doing more growth work and has more consciousness in a relationship has more responsibility, we can never change anyone through our love. However, if we break the issue-based dynamic we are in with someone then it presents an opportunity for them to break free of their patterns and maybe deal with some of their stuff. Our love cannot save anyone, change anyone, or heal anyone. That is a job we have to do ourselves. We are all 100% responsible for changing, healing, and inspiring ourselves.

If we try to get someone to change, we are continuing to involve ourselves in the relational dynamic which perpetuates the unhealthy patterns and childhood wounding. Healing doesn’t come from trying to change another person. It comes from doing your own work within the context of a relationship.

Most of our wounding happens in a relationship and most of our wounding can be healed in a relationship.

If you are in a relationship and would like a couples coaching call on this podcast go to

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you still dealing with the pain of a chaotic or traumatic childhood?
  • Have you been doing a lot of personal growth work and now you’re concerned that you may have outgrown your partner?
  • Do you feel your relationship has an expiration date?
  • Do you really want your partner to change and you’re doing everything you can to get him or her to change?


Sara’s Question:

Sara is making significant changes in her life and is looking for more intimacy and connection in her relationship.


Sara’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She has been making personal development breakthroughs.
  • She is open to change and doing new things.
  • She is looking for connection and intimacy from her relationship.
  • Her husband has a different love language.
  • She needs to feel safe in a relationship.
  • There has been gaslighting in her childhood and marriage.
  • She is in an issue-based relationship.
  • She has an anxious attachment style.
  • She has an emotional addiction of going into Hopeless/Helpless.
  • She is in a soul contract.


How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • Couples coaching is helpful.
  • Take care of little Sara, reassure her,  and give herself what she needs.
  • Love her husband for exactly who he is.
  • Lead her relationship with love.
  • Try interrupting rigid patterns with humor and lightness.



  • If you are in a partnership where you are growing but you don’t think your partner is, instead of thinking you need to leave, give it your all unless the relationship is toxic.
  • Talk to the little boy or girl inside of you, ask them what they need, and give it to them.



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We project our unmet needs from our mothers and fathers onto our romantic partners. Click To Tweet We can never change anyone through our love. Click To Tweet Healing doesn’t come from trying to change another person. It comes from doing your own work within the context of a relationship. Click To Tweet