This call is about how fear of commitment may truly be fear of loss. Today’s caller, Rachel, is collecting evidence about why she doesn’t want to be in a relationship because it will be too much work even though she says she would like to have a relationship. We talk about how the losses she experienced as a child may be coloring her perception of what a relationship will be like and how interdependent relationships can help us heal.
People who felt very alone as children will lead a solitary life and think that it’s what they want because they want to avoid a wound about being lonely as a child. They stay in that energetic and continue living a lonely, solitary life because they don’t know any different. It keeps the old wound from coming up. It may not make a lot of logical sense but if you are someone who lives a solitary or lonely life, and you believe that you are an introvert and you like it better, is it really true? Or, is loneliness a wound from your childhood you are perpetuating in your adulthood?
When we don’t have stability or structure in our life or childhood, things become overwhelming as an adult. It’s because there is still a traumatized child running the show. This is why having a lot going on, for someone who moved around a lot, had a parent that died, or didn’t have someone there to provide structure and stability, is hard. Just a few things can seem overwhelming.
Until we do healing work, our perception is influenced by past wounding because we expect to see what we have seen in the past.
- Are you not getting into a relationship because you don’t want one or because you are scared?
- Do you have a history of loss? Has loss been a major teacher for you?
- Are you afraid that if anyone gets too close, you will lose them?
- Do you spend a lot of time alone and think that you like that better?
- Do you believe your inner child wounding could actually be healed in a relationship? Do you avoid relationships because you’re afraid you’re going to get hurt?
Rachel has experienced multiple losses and would like guidance on how to approach relationships in her life.
Rachel’s Key Insights and Ahas:
- She believes a relationship would be a lot of work.
- Her mother passed when she was seven.
- She was separated from her family members when her mother passed.
- She was adopted at 14 by a family friend.
- She may be looking for a caretaker in a relationship.
- She wants a relationship but is not sure it will fit her life.
- She would like a relationship with someone she can count on.
- She is craving a nurturing partner.
- She leads a solitary life and feels safer hiding herself.
- She has a lot of love to give.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
- Stop letting the loss she experienced define her.
- Open her heart to herself, other people, or an animal.
- Consider if she makes decisions from her heart or fear.
- Watch or read things that model a nurturing love.
- Know that the thing that has been the primary teacher in your life does not have to be a consistent lesson.
- For any decision you are dealing with, ask yourself if you are making the choice from fear or from your heart.
- Connect to your mothering, nurturing energy, whether you are male or female.
- If you are someone who deals with loneliness, give love to yourself and others.
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