EP 284: Finding Yourself After Losing Yourself in a Relationship with Elena

This call is about making self-honoring choices. Today’s caller, Elena, has separated from her husband after being co-dependent for many years. She is uncertain how to move forward because she isn’t clear about who she is. She asks for guidance about what to do next. This is an important call for those who feel they have lost themselves in a relationship or job.

When you are trying to make an important decision, from getting a divorce to having a child, to moving to a new city or quitting your job, you need to start on the inside first. Look at where you are in the situation. Ask yourself if you want the job? Do you want the marriage to work? Are you scared to speak your feelings? What is underneath the surface feelings?

For most people, limbo feels safe because you don’t have to make a choice. But, what is safe for most of us is what is familiar. Usually what is familiar doesn’t leave any opportunity for change or breakthrough. When you are in limbo, not moving in any direction, there are no possibilities. There is only more of the same.

When we know who we are and we practice honoring choices, not selfish choices, clarity becomes a lot easier. Because we can say, “This is a yes. This is in alignment with my most authentic self. I’m not coming from a place of hurt or from my childhood wounding. I’m not looking for love or validation outside of me.” It becomes much easier to make decisions.

Everyone has the tools to love themselves and figure out who they are. If you are in a human body with a mind, a soul, and a heart you have the tools. You may need someone to help you use the tools but you have the tools.

Join Stefanos and me for our 3-day virtual Inner Child Workshop. It’s not about working on yourself. It’s about connecting to your little one and letting go of some things you have been carrying around. We can help you bring your little one into their future, which is your present, and help them feel loved and safe. Don’t let money be an issue, we have scholarships! ChristineHassler.com/innerchild or email Jill@ChristineHassler.com March 19–21, 2021

We are creating a Relationship Retreat. It will be a 3-day virtual event. Get on the interest list to find out more and receive the early bird discount at ChristineHassler.com/relationshipsupport.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Do you feel you have forgotten who you are or lost who you are?
  • Do you feel like within a marriage, being a parent, in a job, or friendship you have sacrificed your own identity?
  • Are you in limbo about a big decision and terrified to make the change?
  • Do you feel lost when it comes to getting support or asking for help?

Elena’s Question:

Elena would like to find herself after losing herself in a co-dependent, long-term relationship.

Elena’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She had been with her husband since the age of 14 until separating three years ago.
  • She was co-dependent during her marriage.
  • He had an emotional affair with someone else.
  • The couple tried therapy.
  • She is afraid to make a move.
  • She lacks the confidence to make a change.
  • She needs to put herself first.
  • She grew up with old-school Italian values.
  • Her mother divorced her father at her same age.
  • Her temper goes quickly from one to 100.
  • She likes to make people happy.
  • She feels she needs to earn love.
  • She doesn’t know how to be.
  • She is in Personal Mastery.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • Create some space to find out who she is.
  • Be self-honoring and choose self-love.
  • Realize she does not have to please people for them to love her.
  • Journal to help process her feelings.
  • Focus on the relationship she has with herself.

Takeaways For You:

  • Get support. Reach out for help.
  • Form clear boundaries about what is not working for you, get clear about who you are and step into self-love.
  • Join Personal Mastery.
  • Be gentle with yourself. Stop telling yourself all the reasons you cannot do something and collect evidence for how you can.


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When you are in limbo, not moving in any direction, there are no possibilities. There is only more of the same. Click To Tweet Everyone has the tools to love themselves and figure out who they are. Click To Tweet When we have low self-worth we have to secure our spots in people’s lives. Click To Tweet

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