EP 319: Healing Jealousy and Not Feeling Good Enough with Boston

This episode is about overcoming not-enoughness and meeting our own needs to be secure in relationships. Today’s caller, Boston, has a protective pattern from his childhood that shows up as jealousy. It is blocking him from feeling secure in his relationship. He is working to shift his jealous feelings and is asking for guidance to understand the origin of his feelings and heal his anxious attachment style.

We are human. We are going to have patterns and we are going to have programming. There will be feelings that come up. There may be anxiety, OCD, insecurities, jealousy, co-dependence, people-pleasing, etc. It is not who you are. I say it again, it is not who you are.

Just because you have jealousy doesn’t mean you are a jealous person. Just because a pattern comes up for you, jealousy, or anything else you want to shift, it doesn’t mean you are that pattern. It is so important that whenever we are working to shift something, we accept it. The more we judge and shame ourselves, the more it sticks and the harder it is to change. So, if you are trying hard to change things about yourself, do not make yourself miserable. Being aware and accepting your patterns is the path forward.

Often, we make things more complicated than they need to be. Our primary desire is to feel safe, seen, heard, and loved. The more we get it from within ourselves the more we get it from others. The more we can acknowledge the tender parts inside of us the less we need external validation.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Do you struggle with jealousy in your relationship even if there is no reason for it?
  • Do you judge yourself for getting jealous?
  • Did you grow up feeling like you fit into society, your family, or your peer group? Did you look or feel different, like you were not good enough?
  • How are you at meeting your own needs?

Boston’s Question:

Boston has a pattern of exhibiting jealousy in his relationships. He would like guidance on how to heal his triggers.

Boston’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • He recently started his personal development journey.
  • He puts his jealous behavior on to his partner.
  • He judges himself for his jealous tendencies.
  • He is mentally working through his patterns to interrupt them.
  • He has an anxious attachment style.
  • He is looking for reassurance in his relationship.
  • He grew up in an area where people were discriminatory.
  • He had very little emotional connection with his parents.
  • His parents argued a lot in his childhood.
  • He didn’t feel good enough as a child.
  • He was jealous of other families and the love he thought they shared.
  • He moved to a new country at a very young age.
  • He developed tough skin to protect himself.
  • His partner is patient and understanding.
  • He has old hurts and insecurity.
  • His fear of losing his family is preventing him from enjoying it.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • Understand his jealousy is trying to protect him.
  • Be compassionate with himself when he is triggered.
  • Remind himself he is enough.
  • Talk to his younger self about what he needs and reassure himself.
  • Ask his partner to work with him on his inner child work.
  • Embrace and enjoy the life he has created.



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For those with anxious attachment styles, it can be scary when things are calm and good in a relationship. Click To Tweet Most triggers in a marriage are not about what is happening in the present time. It is our inner children being triggered. Click To Tweet The more we can acknowledge the tender parts inside of us, the less we need external validation. Click To Tweet

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