This episode is about the healing benefits of being heard and being reflective. Today’s caller, Jonathan, didn’t feel seen or heard as a child by his controlling parents. He has competing intentions and would like guidance on how to be more vulnerable and intimate in relationships.

When in any type of relationship, especially a romantic relationship, if it is hard for you to express yourself or get things out or you feel interrupted or judged, utilize the talking stick (any object). Go to your partner and tell them you wish to communicate something and that you want to use the talking stick. When you are holding the talking stick you are the only one talking. When you feel complete you hand it to your partner. It is a great practice if you have a hard time getting things out. It offers a sense of permission for those who wish to be heard.

Oftentimes, we interrupt each other a lot. There may be one partner who is more assertive and the other partner may retract more. The talking stick is a great remedy for relationships with communication issues.

Another effective communication tool is reflective listening or perception checking. When we slow down communication it builds trust and safety with other people.

When you have the avoidant attachment style one of the best ways to heal it is in relationship, practicing intimacy.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

• Did you feel seen and heard as a child?
• Did you spend a lot of time alone as a child? Do you still spend a lot of time alone today?
• Do you trust love? When things get too intimate, too vulnerable, or too close do you want to bail but you long for love at the same time?

Jonathan’s Question:

Jonathan would like guidance on being intimate in close relationships with others and with himself.

Jonathan’s Key Insights and Ahas:

• His dad was controlling.
• He didn’t have friends over to play with as a child.
• He knew at age seven that he couldn’t trust love.
• He keeps intimate relationships at an arm’s length.
• He wants to be seen without judgment in relationships.
• He spent a lot of time alone in life.
• His father offered transactional love.
• He attracts women who are not in their healthy feminine who have similar traits to his mother.
• He took a self-discovery journey.
• He wants to be authentic but doesn’t find others who are authentic.
• He has competing intentions.
• People talk over him and interrupt him all the time.
• He tried structured environments but they were not for him.
• He feels unsafe and untethered.
• He is enrolled in the Elementum Coaching Institute.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

• Lean more into his masculine energy.
• Find people he can be authentic with and who listen to him.
• Anchor himself into who he is, what he believes, and what he desires. Write it out until it becomes clear.
• Embody his awareness.
• Ground himself.

Resources:

Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community

Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner

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Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler

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Tweetables:

As a coach, listening and reflecting back are two important transformational tools. Click To Tweet No matter how we identify, we all have masculine and feminine inside of us and it is beautiful to know the healthy attributes of both. Click To Tweet If you have the avoidant attachment style one of the best ways to heal it is in relationship, practicing intimacy. Click To Tweet