EP 387: How to Stop Attacking or Retreating During Times of Conflict with Mica

This episode is about how to respond with curiosity to people who are not respecting you. Today’s caller, Mica, is looking for guidance on how they can change their response to become more empowered when it comes to people not using the preferred pronouns they have asked them to use. This call opens our awareness to non-binary individuals who like to be called they and them and not the traditional pronouns we may be used to and about how growing up in a restrictive environment impacts us as adults.

Identity, be it race, gender, or age, when we take it all out of the equation, all we are is love. Every single one of us is love. Often, it takes people who don’t fit into a mold to teach those who do fit in more of a mold that nothing matters but who someone’s essence is. Who we are as humans on this planet is just love and that’s it. That is what we all are here to learn.

What scares most of us about conflict is that we think we have to be confrontational. If we don’t attack we think our only other option is to retreat or we feel we either have to charge ahead or collapse. That is a very common dynamic. The goal is to respond to people that aren’t respecting you with curiosity versus confrontation.

Curiosity is powerful. It is one of the most underused responses and ways to be. When we approach people with curiosity, they are able to hear. It allows us to make direct requests of them from a place of vulnerability and authenticity.

The more we accept ourselves for who we are, the less oppression we face. It’s not that there isn’t oppression or people who don’t respect who we are. But, when we can really come into full self-acceptance, we can teach people how to treat us and respect us. We also aren’t letting our own nervous system get dysregulated due to someone else’s ignorance or stubbornness.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Have you made requests of other individuals and they’re just not listening or they are not honoring your requests?
  • When you are in times of conflict, do you have the tendency to either attack or retreat? Do you want to find a more empowered way to respond?
  • Did you grow up in an oppressive household and you did anything you could to try to fit in?
  • Do you want to feel a sense of freedom to be yourself and not care what anybody else thinks and move into a place of radical self-acceptance and be free?

Mica’s Question:

Mica has felt friction when establishing the pronouns they prefer and would like guidance on how to deal with conflict.

Mica’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • They came out as non-binary.
  • They find it stressful when people push back on them.
  • They read tarot cards.
  • They are an aspiring life coach.
  • Their biological father was a tyrant in their life.
  • They had to have a defensive posture.
  • They feel unseen and unheard.
  • They have been non-binary since childhood but tried to identify as female.
  • They have had to prove who they are throughout their life.
  • They know they are here to teach people how to love.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • Approach conflicts with curiosity.
  • Allow their nervous system to feel that people are safe.
  • Know that they are allowed to ask for what they want and need.
  • Feel confident in who they are, no matter what pronouns others use.
  • Recognize when they are triggered and navigate their way through it differently.
  • Radically accept themselves as love.
  • Apologize to their younger self and free the part of them that felt stifled.


  • Move into self-acceptance and work with your rebel part and tell it that it is free. Tell it there is nothing to prove and it doesn’t have to fight.


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Curiosity can calm conflict and create connection. Click To Tweet All that matters is love and connection. Click To Tweet Self-acceptance is one of the hardest things to get to but also one of the most liberating things in life. Click To Tweet

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