EP 399: You Are Not Confused You Just Don’t Feel Safe With Samm

This episode is about going back to move forward. Today’s caller, Samm, missed out on some developmental learnings in childhood. She wants to empower others but is still not sure she can fully empower herself. If you feel that you don’t have clarity about something, or feel you can’t take the next step forward, it might be because of past trauma.

We all need to have compassion and be easier on ourselves when we miss out on things in our childhood that make parts of adulthood harder. Remember, compassion is different than scapegoating. If we blame everything on our childhood and everything is our parent’s fault, that is being the victim. That is scapegoating. It’s very different from compassion.

Compassion is understanding that we never got to that developmental stage as a child. So, it is harder for us to do it as adults. We need to have patience and compassion with ourselves. We all need to have compassion and be easier on ourselves when we miss out on things in our childhood that make parts of adulthood harder. It’s necessary for us to go back and give our inner child what they didn’t have and then move forward.

To expect ourselves to feel safe, to put ourselves out there, as a coach for example, when we didn’t have safety as a child is like expecting a one-year-old to do algebra. It’s just completely unrealistic. It is not developmentally possible.

Please be kind to yourself. Look at what you did not get in childhood that may have impacted you and not from the perspective of being damaged or broken. We have the parents we have to learn what we need to learn in this lifetime.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Do you feel like you’re unclear about something or do you lack clarity in some way?
  • Did you have a childhood where you did not feel safe?
  • Do you often feel disconnected from your own inner child?
  • Is there something you want to do but you keep telling yourself that you’re just stuck and you can’t move forward?

Samm’s Question:

Samm seeks clarity and would like guidance on how to create a safe place without feeling paralyzed to act on it.

Samm’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She is a coach.
  • She holds herself back when expressing herself.
  • When she feels like putting her heart into something, she gets paralyzed and scared.
  • Her parents were addicts. She chose a different path.
  • She didn’t feel safe as a child.
  • She doubts she can fully support herself or others.
  • She has been in survival mode for most of her life.
  • She has a freeze response as part of her nervous system wiring.
  • She feels she is not enough.
  • As a child, she yearned to feel like she was important and that she mattered.
  • She wanted to be held and know everything would be OK.
  • She would like to build a group container with her clients.
  • She wants to help empower others.
  • She internalizes her sadness and has difficulty getting mad.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • Have compassion for where she’s come from.
  • Work with herself with patience and love.
  • Connect with the motherly part of her.
  • Allow herself to get angry.
  • Recognize when she is in a trauma response and make her inner child feel safe.


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Stop trying to fix something in your present-day life just by pushing through. Click To Tweet We all need to have compassion and be easier on ourselves when we miss out on things in our childhood that make parts of adulthood harder. Click To Tweet It is easier to move through our challenges with compassion and with understanding versus judgment. Click To Tweet

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