This episode is about getting over someone we can’t seem to get over. Today’s caller, Matthais, is hung up on someone he can’t seem to get over but, as usual, it has to do with something much deeper. Often, it is the relationships that don’t work out that teach us the most.

As children, we are naturally intimate, but if our parents can’t be intimate back we start to shut down. Because intimacy feels scary and unfamiliar. And, even though everyone wants to be loved, they push love away because love has hurt them in the past. So, when love comes to us we push it away because it is unfamiliar.

An avoidant attachment relationship pattern is when someone loves us and we push them away. It’s because love feels unfamiliar and scary. Love feels like it hurts because as children, we naturally love our parents. When we don’t feel that love back from our parents in the way we as children give love, it’s very disorienting and it can make us not trust love. So, when someone wants to love us, it feels unfamiliar and unsafe.

Whereas, when there is someone distant and aloof with us and maybe love bombs us, it feels great in the beginning but then the great feeling fades. Or, the person will give us ultimatums we have to fulfill and make us chase them. It makes us yearn for something familiar to us, and we often confuse the feeling with love because it is familiar.

When we are hung up on someone, we think we are missing them but what we are missing is something we need to embody within ourselves. When we heal our inner child, we begin to choose the love we truly desire, not a feeling that triggers us.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

• Is there someone that you’ve broken up with or that broke up with you but you just can’t seem to let them go?
• Did you have a parent that wasn’t there for you in the way that you truly desired?
• Do you relate to having an avoidant attachment style?
• Did you have a parent that parentified you or even made you their spouse and you didn’t get to be a kid?

Matthais’s Question:

He had a painful breakup that he can’t seem to get over. He would like guidance on how to get over it and move forward.

Matthais’s Key Insights and Ahas:

• He hasn’t felt emotional pain in his life before like he did with this breakup.
• He is having difficulty connecting with new people.
• He was very much in love.
• The breakup was abrupt.
• His ex triggered something deep inside of him.
• He has some wounding in his past about his looks.
• His ex said he triggered her childhood wounding.
• He has an avoidant attachment style.
• His parents divorced when he was 15 and has struggled with it for 25 years.
• His mother was caring but he has been the only man in his mother’s life.
• He may be choosing partners who mirror his relationship with his father.
• He hasn’t experienced true intimacy.
• He felt his dad didn’t want him and his mother parentified him.
• He is attracted to controlling women.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

• Discontinue any communication with his ex. Let her go.
• When he thinks of his ex, tell himself that it wasn’t a healthy love and that real love is safe.
• Work on his inner child by exploring the self-guided Inner Child Workshop.
• Feel into self-love.

Takeaways:

• Read the book Attached or dive into the Coaches Corner episodes on attachment styles.

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Tweetables:

Children naturally love their parents and when they don’t feel that love reciprocated, it can be disorienting. It makes it hard for them to trust in love. Click To Tweet Most of the time, we fear intimacy because we have never had true intimacy. Click To Tweet How we truly know who someone is, is how they show up in conflict. Click To Tweet