EP 296: How to Have a Hard Conversation with a Parent with Max

And this is episode 296. How to have a hard conversation with a parent with Max, welcome to over it and on with it. I’m your host, Christine Hassler. And for over a decade, I’ve been a life coach, speaker, and author each week. You’ll hear me work directly with a caller. As I coach them through a goal they want to accomplish or an obstacle they may be facing.

I’ll provide a blend of practical and spiritual advice as well as tangible actions you can apply to your own life. Now let’s get on with the episode. Welcome back to the show. Everyone just wants to extend this special thanks to all of you who have been leaving ratings and reviews of the show on iTunes. I so appreciate that if you haven’t just head on over to your podcast app and click the space where it says to rate or review,

the show only takes a second to leave a rating. And then if you have time to write a couple of sentences for a review, I appreciate that. I read them all and they touch my heart so deeply. I have an awesome conversation today with a young man named Max, and he brings a lot of things to the table. And I really encourage you to listen to the outro because I talk about some of the things we didn’t get to in the actual coaching in the outro.

But I really love max because he such a great example of someone who was like really starting to wake up and his excitement and his enthusiasm and the dots he’s connecting are so inspiring. And no matter where you are on your personal journey, I hope that he can inspire you to get back to that. Beginner’s mind. And max, I’m not saying you’re a beginner.

I’m just saying that that newness, that curiosity, that excitement about all the dots you’re connecting. Cause I noticed with a lot of you that are personal growth veterans, the men doing this work for a while, when something comes along, you’re like, oh, I’ve worked on this. I’ve healed this, this again. I must not be doing it right.

I must not be loving myself. And you go into this very resigned attitude and I’m asking you and encouraging you can you have the enthusiasm, meaning incitement and the curiosity of like, Oh wow, like another thing, another one, What can I learn? What can I discover? Not, Oh, I’ve done this So many times before should be over this issue.

That’s not very inspiring. Isn’t so curious. Beginner’s mind super, super helpful. Also, I want to invite you to the relationship retreat, that stuff. And I am, co-hosting June 11th through 13th. It’s a virtual retreat for singles or couples, but it’s all about relationships. So you can come as a single person. You can come as a couple or you can come as a person who’s in a couple,

but maybe your partner can’t come or doesn’t want to come for the whole weekend. We are going to be teaching so many relationship tools and strategies. We’ve been together only three years now. However, we moved in together. The day we met, we have spent so much time together and our relationship escalated quickly. And there are lots of things early in our relationship.

And still, today that we’ve had to navigate everything from working together to family issues to health stuff to immigration, to grief and loss, all kinds of stuff, major decisions moving. And we have our relationship at times has felt really, really strange. And because we are both so committed to having a conscious, healthy relationship, we’ve been able to navigate through those and learn and grow and not keep repeating the same argument over and over again.

And we’ve studied with a lot of different teachers. We’ve read a lot of books. We’ve studied a lot of different modalities and are putting everything together to come up with the juiciest most helpful relationship workshop that we can put together for you in just a short period of time. It is possible to have passion back in your relationship. It is possible to have a healthy,

conscious relationship. Even if you feel like you’re the only one, quote, unquote, doing the work, it is possible to recover from old wounds and really forgive each other and move on. It is possible to break free of old patterns. So you can stop arguing about the same thing over and over again. So much is possible in your relationship and for single people.

This is a great workshop to attend, to learn relationship skills and tools. It’s not a workshop for how do you call on your person? That’s our be the queen and coming to be the King programs. But I know that I would have loved this information while I was still single. And, and some of it I did have. And honestly, I think that’s why Steph and I were able to navigate so many early challenges in our relationship because we had some training.

So if you go to Christine hassler.com/relationship retreat, that’s where you can find all the info. The early bird discount is over soon. So you’re going to want to register ASAP. It is recorded if you can’t make it live again, Christine hassler.com/relationship retreat. As you are listening to this call with max consider, do you have patterns of escapism? Is there a parent whose love you’re still seeking and you’re seeking it out and maybe in unhealthy ways,

have you always felt like one or both of your parents really just didn’t understand you, you don’t feel seen, you don’t feel like they really know you? Do you feel so different from your family that you don’t know if you’ll ever fit in? So keep those questions in mind as you listen to my coaching call with Matt. Thanks. Before we dive in and this one’s for the ladies,

let’s talk about bras. Once a week. Last time you treated yourself to a perfectly fitted, good quality bra loungewear any, all your intimates. Do you wear it? The old ones, you know, I recently did a cleanse of my closet and I was actually shocked when they like old bras and pajamas. I have hung onto and I’ve shared it before.

I used to be of those people that would save my good underwear and bras for like, I don’t know, special occasions and just were not really great ones, like ones that are just too old and probably have a couple of strings hanging off of them. Not anymore. Now I have found my third love bras and loungewear, and I lounge in style and I don’t save my nice bras for special occasions.

So what I love most about third love, bras, and loungewear is they fit right? And the material is just super, super comfy compared to my old underwear, bras, and pajamas that weren’t fitted as well. And weren’t made from quality material. Like it’s hands down a huge difference. I really love the classic t-shirt bra. It looks great under pretty much anything you wear.

It’s really their number one-rated bra. And like I mentioned, they also now have loungewear made from premium cotton fabrics available in drapey, easy fit sizes, extra small to three X. And you can also take the fitting room quiz, the symbol quiz factors in size, breast shape, current finish shoes, and your personal style to find the perfect bras and underwear for you.

No more awkward dressing, new moments. I mean, who’s going to a dressing room anymore. Anyway, you can just be online, take the fitting room quiz and they stand behind all their products. If you don’t love it, exchanges and returns are free and their team of expert fit stylists is available via chat or email to answer all your questions. Another thing I really love about third love is they have donated over 40 million and gently used returned bras to women in need supporting charities and their logo,

San Francisco Bay area, and across the US here’s what you can do to get 20% off your first purchase. Go to third, love.com/over it. That’s T H I R D L O V E slash over it to get 20% off your first purchase. Again, thirdlove.com/over it for 20% off today. And now onto my coaching call with Max max, Welcome to the show.

What’s your question. First of all, it is such an honor to be on a podcast finding it was like so influential for me starting my inner child work journey. Wow. Like you spoke my language and you really just touched me where it needed to happen. You didn’t make me cry before it’s even like a minute into the show. I’m so glad that I could be of service.

Thank you, max. Okay. So like my thing is a little bit more situational than I feel like some other colors might be, so there’s going to be a little bit of backstory, but I’m going to try to make it as brief as possible. Okay. This whole started back in October of 2020 after my partner found out about my infidelity throughout the course of our relationship and fast-forward through a lot of hard conversations and a lot of triggering moments and also a lot of genuine compassion and understanding for both of us.

And it was really a safe space to heal. So we decided that we’re let you know we’re going to do this together and we’re going to work for our relationship. My part of that specifically for me, it looks like, shadow work. It looked like inner child work. And so I naturally started to go back and figure out how I got to this point because this kind of reaction and this kind of like avoidance issues has been a pattern throughout my life.

And so you got to look at it and be like, okay, there’s something there. And do you see the infidelity as a way to do avoidance? Yes. Okay. Gotcha. Definitely. That is thanks to you. So, you know, I had to look at my relationship with sex and I had to look at my relationship with love, which clearly wasn’t the same thing in my mind,

but they were still alike colliding off of each other violently. And so a little background into me, I’m the oldest of six kids. I grew up in a household that was very emotionally suppressive. My father comes from a military background and is currently still in law enforcement. And he struggled with alcohol. He struggled with infidelity himself, and then my step-mom,

she was severely, mentally ill. And a lot of my trauma fills in all my memories of her in my childhood. And so I haven’t quite gotten to that aspect of it yet, but getting there, you know, patience with myself. Yeah. And what about your biological mom? My biological mom. She left our lives, Mona. My sister’s lives when I was about five or six years old.

And I don’t know the exact reasoning for it. I just don’t think that she could handle being a mother at that point. And she later reenters our lives like eight years later. And she’s later seen as like an escape from my childhood home. Okay. And so like this inner child work and this going through and really like healing all these emotions again and getting re-triggered all of this,

again, this leads me into like a lot of self-help podcasts and I’m listening to the lifestyle of this with Luke’s story. I had to stop several times because I just had to sit with some of the shit you said it really was a pivotal moment for me. And so I’ve been listening to you for about five or six months and it’s truly, really helped.

I’m so glad it’s helped. And what do you think if you don’t remember anything that’s fine. But what do you think was what really got you that you were like, well, press pause. That was a truth bomb that just landed that really hit my heart. Do you remember anything in person Killer? Yes. Which I even like have notes on the show.

I went back and listened several times and w one of the biggest things was understanding the attachment styles and how dismissive and avoidant I actually am. And I’ve always just kinda like submitted myself into it as like, Oh, well, I’m an introvert, you know, I’m an IFP. And when I take it, it’s 99% introverted. Well, I think that was more of just a cop-out,

you know, I could go back and talk now and I’m really like moving into an extroverted mentality. Yeah. So in all this max, is there a question that I can help with? So what I’m getting to is I knew there was going to be this, share all with my father. And I didn’t know if it was going to happen when he retired or whenever he was on his death bed.

And I’m very much guided by my internal compass and my intuition. It felt like it was going to be more so for him than it was going to be for me. But I was never expecting this to happen within the first six months of me doing this inner child work journey. And so what had happened was I posted, gotten shared that they had disagreed with considering the black lives matter movement.

And my family had completely taken it personally. And they taking it like as a threat to my father’s profession and then as a threat to his life, because he’s in law enforcement. Yes. Yeah. So like initially when the conversation starts in a group chat with 12 people in it, I advocate I’m like, okay, can we please, you know,

do this in person? You know, this is not going to escalate. If we sit and have a conversation, we can do this and I get ignored and it just goes, and the conversation is between me, not me. I was pretty much out of it, my dad and my partner because my partner has opposing views. And I got really triggered really hard.

So I had to leave the group chat after a while. And he started blowing up my phone, which I can ignore. But then he started blowing up my partners, which I will not stand for. And so I took up for myself. I had to reflect some of his stuff back at him. And I’ll be honest. I use a lot of like you statements and you did this,

like, and it did come from a healthier place. I did speak my truth and it wasn’t as much of, it’s like, you’re me into this and making me talk before I’m ready. And so this is what you’re giving right now. He didn’t take it all too well. And so I let myself sit with it and I let himself just rant into my text box.

And then I compose myself and I came at him with a much more grounded state. And to my surprise, he actually flipped and opened up. And he said he was ready to have a conversation with me. The ball was in my court now, and he’s like open to taking accountability. But the thing here is he’s very emotionally reactive and angry, and I’m still very much in like the depths of working through this.

And he’s my biggest trigger. Yeah. So is the question, do you, do you talk to him? Well, I’ve already decided I’m going to talk to them. I was just more so seeking advice for keeping myself grounded and keeping myself from going into, Oh my God. Like, you know, that inner child, like I’m worthless. I’m,

you know, because it’s very easy and it’s very easy with him. Yes. It is our biggest triggers, our biggest teachers in so many ways. And let me ask you this back, and I want to go back to the infidelity too if we have time. So why would it be awful if you weren’t grounded and your inner child did get triggered?

Why are you trying to avoid that? Because that’s, that’s a sign of weakness. Yeah. Says that’s, that’s my father’s viewpoint. Right. And would you say in terms of the kind of person you are and the kind of person your father is, is he your role model? Absolutely not. Right, right, right. So why are you trying to be like him in this conversation?

I w I feel like it comes more from a place of trying to, well, I mean, yeah, you got a point, but, you know, showing that you know, he always told me, you have to learn how to cope without actually teaching me how to cope. His, his version of coping is just to suppress it all. Don’t feel shut down,

be very judgmental and move forward. Yeah. I’m guessing. Right. And I feel like coming at it in like this grounded way, in a way that made him flip completely from feeling attacked to be okay, this, yeah. It’s, it’s more to show him. Okay. I did learn how to cope and now you need to learn how to cope without directly saying that.

Yeah. Well, and I really acknowledge you for being able to communicate in a grounded way. I mean, the issues that we’re facing right now, they’re so, and in so many ways, and to get to a point where you’ve got someone who’s very certain in their opinion and very defensive to actually open their mind and hear what you’re saying is so sells tells me two things.

One, what, an excellent job you did communicate and all the work that you’ve done and how he kept little max safe so that big max could have a conversation. And to how much your dad actually loves you. Yeah. Him, me leaving the group chat, I realized really triggered him into thinking that I was just abandoning the family. And a lot of the questions I asked him was like,

you know, how long did it take for you to forgive your father? And how old were you when that happened? How old am I? I’m at least like eight years younger than him before he, you know, yeah. Beautiful wise mature questions. And so let me ask you this, what’s the thing that you want most from your dad? I kept passionate embrace that compassion.

You’re your whole thing with a passion. It’s the, the root of it is suffering to be compassionate with someone it’s to suffer with someone. And I just never really felt like I was worth being compassionate towards as a kid or even as an adult. Okay. Two questions, one<inaudible> What makes you feel like you’re not worth that? And second, do you believe he’s capable of it?

What made me think that I wasn’t worth that I think is that I was such an emotionally driven child and a house that was not good with emotions. Yeah. And do I think he’s capable of it? I have seen this, this pattern of growth as he shifted away from my stepmother and to a healthier relationship. And so I, even my, even my girlfriends saying,

you know, like, I feel like he’s opening himself up a little bit and he’s becoming, you know, not as set in this toxic masculine energy. Yeah. So there’s a couple of things max, that are coming forward for me to share with you the first is, you know, it is definitely a Rite of passage that a man goes through where he goes from being the little boy kind of son to the man,

to mankind of son. And it feels like that’s where you are in a lot of ways, and really speaking your truth and speaking of your needs and speaking up for yourself, and I’m going to make a connection back to the infidelity for a moment. You said that your mom’s house felt like an escape. Yeah. Can you see how there’s a similar feeling with mom’s house and infidelity the escapism part of it?

Interesting. Cause it wasn’t just her house either. There were multiple different houses that I would escape to. Right, right. So it’s not just this like okay. Sex love. It’s also, yeah. It’s, it’s wanting to run, it’s being in a position where, because like you said, you’re a sensitive kid who was raised in a house where emotions were suppressed,

so you probably get into emotional or sensory or overload and need an escape. Yeah. And I would bet if you tracked back to the times when you were unfaithful, it was during a time where you were in an emotional or sensory overload with your girlfriend or just in life in general and you needed to run, you needed an escape. And so it’s not that you have this big love or sex OCDish addiction.

It’s more, I need to escape. I need an out, I need to be free. I need to be out of the kind of overwhelm or just the feeling that I’m feeling, in your father’s house. So another question I’d like to pose directly related to infidelity is, you know, comforting my girlfriend in, in letting her know,

you know, this wasn’t, this is not directly you. Like, I could sit there and say that all day. And I can say, you know like this is something that goes back to childhood, but you know, it’s not, I don’t feel like that’s the kind of space and that’s the kind of language that really resonates with her. Yeah.

Well maybe have her listen to this and there might be a deeper understanding of the thing is when we, when we betray someone else, there’s really no explanation. That’s going to make them go, Oh, okay. Totally get it. Right. Just like you can think of how your dad was raised and you can understand why he is the way he is,

but it doesn’t take away the wound and the hurt of how he was with you as a father, you can understand it mentally, but the pain is still there. And that was a, yeah, that was a huge realization for me. Cause I was living in the, you know, this spiritual life. And that’s what I realized now is this toxic,

positive kind of life for like a while. And I wasn’t holding space for people. And then I have this whole like, yeah, yes, very true. And then I have this whole explosive thing and October, and that was one of the realizations was yeah. Yeah. Cause toxic positivity. Or we don’t even have to call it toxic. Just being overly positive is a form of suppression.

So whenever you’re in that suppressive state that reminds you of your home and your dad, you need, you need an escape, you need an outlet, you something to feel that that’s different. And so you’re looking for a release in a lot of ways because you’ve got that suppression and now that you’re doing the work, I bet that that need to escape and,

and be on faith or cheat in any way is probably really, really dimmed because you’re dealing with the source of what was causing that escape. Yes. Yes. It feels like I don’t, I don’t struggle with it anymore. Yeah. And for your girlfriend, it’s, it’s amazing that she’s willing to like you said, make this relationship a safe space to heal for both of you.

And it’s beautiful that you share and you share your vulnerability. And you know, I know you’ve said this to her, I’m sure you have. She just needs you to take a hundred percent responsibility for it and, and apologize. And at some point, either she has, or she’s going to, for the relationship to work, she has to accept your apology because you don’t want to get into a dance where you’re constantly groveling.

You’re constantly apologizing and she’s holding this space of like, I don’t trust you. And of course, trust is earned after a betrayal like this. But to, to have the relationship, have a fresh start, it’s like you’re taking accountability, but she’s also deciding to forgive again, forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning forgiveness means I’m no longer gonna like, hold this against you.

I’m going to forgive myself for any judgments I have on myself as being less than or thinking I did something wrong or you know, anything that she’s internalized and the more you do your own internal work and don’t suppress the less likely you will go into escape patterns. So for you max, you know that anytime you feel like you’re suppressing and being too positive is a form of suppression.

That’s a ding, ding, ding alarm system for you that there’s something deeper that’s triggered. And you know, your role model of what it means to be a man is very different than who you are. So there’s this conflict of all right. Well, I want to express and I want to be who I am, but little max also wants to ad’s approval.

And so he’s like torn. He’s conflicted. He’s like, Oh man, I, I want dad’s approval. And I want a connection with him, but yet I also want to be myself. And on some level, those things feel like they can’t go together. And so I think this conversation is like I said, a Rite of passage for you.

And I would encourage you to set the intention of having him get to know you better not having him completely understand you, not having him agree with you. Not necessarily having the compassion cause he might not be there yet because he might just not know you really, truly who you are. And so if you go into this conversation with a lot of expectations of yourself and you’re him and of him,

you’re setting yourself up for us. I call an expectation hangover. But if you talked a little max and say, you know, what does this little max really need? What I sense he may need is for dad just to get to know him because you leaving that group chat and you saying some of the things that you’ve said, you’re finally showing him maybe parts of you that you’ve hidden because you’ve wanted to be the good boy and the oldest son and not get in trouble and all those kinds of things.

It definitely shocked him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got his attention. And you weren’t And doing that to be shocking, you were doing that because you were, you were overwhelmed and you needed to escape that group chat because it was just like, I can’t be in this. It’s just too much. So there’s an open door, which is beautiful because it doesn’t happen in a lot of families,

especially when there is such, you know, opposing viewpoints on things. But there’s an open door and I would encourage you just to say like something to the effect of dad, my, and my intention with this conversation. Or, you know, even if you want to use more, not personal development, sounding words, you can even say, dad,

what I want most from this conversation is for you just to get to know me. And maybe for me to get to know you too because I only know you as dad and Sergeant or officer so-and-so and I’d like to know who you are is Jeff or whatever his name is. And can we just start there? What are some things you want to know about me?

And here are some questions I have for you. Who was your first love? What’s your favorite movie? Like, can you take the pressure off yourself and him right now, max, to make this some big, I’ve got to stay grounded? He’s got to change his mind. We have to heal everything kind of conversation. And just go into this as like,

I’m going to give my dad the opportunity to get to know me. It’s up to him, whether he wants to take it, but I’m going to actually be myself and allow myself to be seen, not hide, not suppress and allow him to get to know me and make the effort to get to know him. Yes. Because it was, I mean,

it’s really one of the first times we’re going to be having a relationship like that. We’ve always connected through music but not the soul. Right. Right. And you’re different like that. You’re even though you’re, You’re his son, you’re different men. Yes. And that’s even something you can say. It’s like, dad, I know I’m different than you.

And I’ve always felt like it was maybe harder for you to love me because he didn’t really understand me. And like here I am, what do you want to know? So I want you to take kind of any kind of confrontational or we’re going to talk about the deepest issues or we’re going to go into like changing his mind about things sort of off the table.

Cause I really think that that’s gonna scare your inner child. Yeah. If I’m going at it and thinking it’s going to be a confrontation, I enter the child’s immediately got to be like, what? Right. Or if you’re going in with big expectations, your inner child is going to be like, we’re just going to set ourselves up for disappointment. All I want to do is run.

Yes. Yes. But would you tell me if this is true or false, you have a deep desire for your father to actually know who you are. Yes, yes. Yeah, absolutely. And sometimes we can fuse approval and validation with just really wanting to be seen, meaning, especially from the father, we seek out that male fatherly pride and validation,

the attaboy, the atta girl. But what we really desire is just for them to know who we are. Yes. Just for them to understand us Because you know, yeah. I mean, those, those are the people that raised you. Those are the people that are supposed to give that unconditional love. You know, I’m a father now and I hold as much space as I can for my son.

And it really helped me see though, what I didn’t have as a kid. And then I really like your way of approaching it as just, you know, getting to know one another because that’s truly what it is. Yes. Take the pressure off. You have felt so much pressure in your life, to be somebody that you’re not to hold it all together to.

I mean, and just being an empath, you just feel pressured of just being a human and the pressure of being a father, the pressure of being a partner, like all of those kinds of things. And again, I acknowledge your commitment to wanting to go in and stay grounded and have more of this. Like let’s just peel back all the layers of conversation and I’m just encouraging you to maybe go a little slower and move in a way that doesn’t shock your inner child.

Yeah. That’s a good point. I like that. You just started doing all this incredible work. And if you just close your eyes for a moment and check in with little max, just ask him if the conversation we’re having now about the dialogue to have with your father, how it feels compared to the conversation you had with a plan to have. Right.

Which one feels better to the little max, It’s the ladder. It’s definitely it takes, it does take all the pressure off and it’s just, okay, we don’t have to dredge up all the path. No, no. And maybe eventually those conversations will come up, but it sounds like, and I could be wrong. You’ll have to assess this out as you go.

But it sounds like your dad has opened the door For a relationship. You took a stand, you held a boundary. And he said, you know, Hey, I’m here when you want to talk like that probably for him. Cause I bet that he, at times can be stubborn and full of some pride I imagined for him. That was probably a big step.

Yeah. That’s a big step for both of us. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, hands down, Hands down, you’ve taken a lot of big steps, a lot of big steps. So let’s, let’s let you just keep taking steps and build to those deeper conversations, but give yourself a little max, just the opportunity to be seen and to be heard and to let your dad get to know you.

I really liked that. Thank you. Yeah. Does this help? It does very much. It very much. You too max, for your honesty, for your vulnerability, and for the work that you’re doing, it’s so inspiring to see young men find this work and have it resonate and connect to their emotions and the inner child. And just really break out of a lot of,

you know, as humans we’ve been suppressing for centuries, and males, especially are conditioned to be strong and hide emotions and all that kind of stuff. And so the work that max and I know so many of the men who are listening are doing, to break through a lot of that conditioning is really, really inspiring. So there was a lot that max brought into the conversation in terms of the infidelity that started in October and all the stuff with his dad,

the six kids, mom abandoning him, her house being an escape. So he gave me a lot of information and there were a lot of directions I could have gone, but he was most concerned about this conversation with his dad. And just a note to all coaches out there, a client may bring a bunch of information and you might want to dig into certain aspects,

but there’s also that balance of dealing with the question they present. And you heard in this coaching that I dealt with, the question he presented in terms of talking to his father, but I also connected some dots around the pattern of escapism with mom’s house or other people’s houses. And then the infidelity and you know, all of this kind of connects back to the dad relationship because that,

as he said, that was his biggest teacher and most triggering relationship in so many ways because he lived primarily with his dad. His dad was his primary caretaker. When his mom left, the family step-mom was mentally ill. So she really wasn’t capable of being the parent, he needed. And so it was dad. And when we have, you know,

that one primary person that is really our lifeline, it makes the relationship so powerful. So for, for max, you know, his dad has quite a bit of power in his life. And as he’s doing this inner child work, and as he’s really getting to new levels and layers within him, he’s realizing that he wants to shift this dynamic with his dad and they had the triggering event in terms of the post that he discussed.

And sometimes we need these kinds of triggering events to create the momentum and shifts that we need in the relationship. So he had this triggering event, he saw his dad be consistent with some of his behavior in the past, in terms of how he showed up with more of that single-minded, my way or the highway kind of mentality. So much show that max had to leave the chat.

But then dad kind of came around or at the very least offered an olive branch and said, you know, I’m here if you want to talk. And so little max gets so excited about that, and this is where we need to be mindful of things. And this is why coach max, the way I did. So oftentimes when a parent or someone we love opens the door,

we just want to run right through and be like, here’s everything I’ve been wanting to say to you for 20 years. And the other person’s like, Whoa, I just opened. But in the door, like I didn’t expect all of this. And my mama bear came out a little bit with max because I don’t want him to go rushing through this open door with everything he wants to say and everything that’s on his heart and be shut down a little bit.

And so I coached him in terms of like, let’s meet dad where he’s at, right. He, he opened the door, let’s go in. And instead of bringing everything that we’ve wanted to say, or instead of getting into what could be a triggering conversation, let’s just get into, Hey dad, do you want to know who I am? Because I have been hiding parts of me and I’d like to show them to you.

And I’d like to know a little bit more about who you are. Let’s have a man-to-man conversation. Yeah. So that’s a big takeaway for all of you, both personally and coaches. So personally, again, if you get like an open door with someone who’s been closed for a very long time, don’t go rushing through thinking that that’s a green light to just speak about everything that you’ve been holding in for decades and coaches.

This is where you want to be mindful with your clients too. Like when they have a big wind like that, and someone that has been a triggering relationship opens the doors slightly. You want to support them and walking through taking those baby steps. So they don’t end up with a massive expectation in hangover. Let’s talk about the pattern of escapism as well.

So as Mac said, he had a mother who came back into his life and her house and other houses felt like an escape for him because he was dealing with so much suppression and probably overwhelmed. You know, he talked about how he’s an empath and he was the oldest of six. There is a mentally ill. Step-mom, there is a lot of stuff he’s picking up on in his house and he just needed an out.

And so the infidelity that he engaged in was more an escapism more about how do I get out of the overload, the emotional overload, the sensitivity overload that I’m in. So it was less about, I need sex from another person and more about how do I escape the feeling that I’m in right now. And there’s also, we didn’t have time to talk about this because he really brought his father up.

There’s also the mother wound that we didn’t get to. So max, if you’re listening, that’s a chapter of work for you is with that mother abandonment with that mother wound that he had, even though she kind of came back around, but it sounds like she wasn’t present. There is a part of him. That’s going to be seeking out the affection,

the attention, the love of a woman. So it’s two-fold, and I didn’t want to throw too much out of it at once, but it’s both the escapism and it’s that mother wound of how can I find that in a woman? So it’s really not about sex. It’s about love. It’s about tension and it’s about escapism. And if you connect the dots,

right, mom’s house was the house he escaped to. And he said others as well, but mom’s house. That was what he said about it. And then women is who he escapes too. So it’s like, let me escape. And let me find mom all in one. And so that’s really the healing opportunity for max other takeaways for you. If you are going to have a conversation with someone who’s opened the door,

write out some questions, write out some comments, go into those kinds of conversations, feeling prepared. So your nervous system doesn’t go into overdrive and feels really, really triggered and makes you five years old, 10 years old, 13 years old, feeling prepared helps your inner child feel grounded. It helps your nervous system relax and it helps prevent some overwhelm.

And also when you’re making any kind of big decision check in with that little one like I asked max to check in you, which kind of conversation feels better, and don’t push yourself. Remember everybody pushing ourselves is a great way to end up with an expectation hangover and a freaked-out inner child. Baby steps are incredibly powerful checking in because our mind can get really excited,

an idea and a possibility, but we want to make sure that we’re walking toward it in the most healthy, supportive way. All right, everybody, that’s the show for today. Thank you so much, sending you much love and many blessings until next time. Thank you for listening to over at<inaudible>. I love hearing from you. So please post your comments or questions at christinehassler.com

slash podcast. That’s also the place you can sign up to receive coaching from me in an upcoming episode. And if you love the show, please share it and subscribe in iTunes. You can find all my social media handles and sign up to be part of my community at christinehassler.com until next week here’s to getting over it and on with it much love and many blessings.