EP 391: How the Changes You Make on the Inside Affect Your Outside World with Jenn

This is episode 391, how the changes you make on the inside affect your outside world. With Jen, welcome to Over It and on with it. I’m your host, Christine Hassler, and for over a decade I’ve been a life coach, speaker and author. Each week you’ll hear me work directly with a caller as I coach them through a goal they wanna accomplish or an obstacle they may be facing.
I’ll provide a blend of practical and spiritual advice, as well as tangible actions you can apply to your own life. Now let’s get on with the episode. Hey everybody, welcome back to the show. So this is actually a re-air from 2017. Thought I’d bring back an oldie buddy goodie. I was sick last week and just didn’t get to recording a podcast episode,
but I always wanna have a one come out for you. And I bet you haven’t heard this one, or at least you haven’t heard it in a while, because this was episode 96 and now we’re on episode of 391. Can you believe it? And we don’t even count the Coach’s corners as episodes. So there’s been close to 800 episodes of the podcast,
which just makes me so happy because I love doing it. I wanted to re-air this one because it’s always good to, you know, go back in time 2017. Oh my gosh, that feels like just yesterday. But that was, How long ago was that? Almost six years ago. How is that even possible? It was a big year for me.
It was the year I left LA moved to San Diego, and it was a year I really spent calling in my now husband. I met him in 2018. In 2017. It was really dedicated to calling him in. We still are enrolling for our Be the Queen program, which is all about that Colin, in your man. You can join us,
you can catch the, the calls that we’ve done so far, recorded, and you can hop right in. It’s not too late. If you’re still interested, just email Jill@christinehassler.com. If you wanna learn more about the program, go to christinehassler.com/betheQueen. So this episode is about shifting your external world while making the internal changes. So when I coached Jen,
who’s been through some transformational changes and believes she’s confused about her work as a relationship coach, so you might relate to this, if you feel like you don’t have clarity about something or something doesn’t feel as fulfilling as it used to, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re confused. Sometimes we think we’re confused because we don’t know the answer to something. Sometimes we say we’re confused,
but really we just need more time. Or we need to ask different questions. We always wanna know, we always wanna be in control. And those moments of just not knowing and surrendering, that’s where so much of the growth happens. So as you’re listening to this episode, consider is there some aspect of your life that doesn’t feel right or just feels off?
Have you healed a relationship or physical issue that has catalyzed wanting to make changes in other aspects of your life? Can you relate to being a chameleon to stay safe? Are you a people pleaser? Are you scared of being vulnerable or being seen? So keep these questions in mind as you listen to my coaching call with Jen. Jen, welcome to the show.
What’s your question? Thanks for having me, Christine. My question to you is, I’ve been coaching now for about a year and a half and I started my business as a relationship and dating coach. And that was really where my passion was and what I wanted to do. I was so excited about it. And it’s been about a year and a half later.
And this past year has really been challenging for me, not just in my business but in my personal life as well. I had to deal with some health issues and family issues. And now that I’ve kind of come out on the other side, I feel different about my business. I feel like I’ve lost some of the inspiration and the passion and I,
I just feel kind of confused by what’s going on. Okay. Okay. And what’s confusing about it? It just feels like I don’t feel the same way about it anymore. How, how did you used to feel? I felt so just excited and grateful to get to do this every single day. And I just loved it. I loved everything about it and I just,
it just like lit me up from the inside. And now when I think of that, when I’m doing, it feels, it just doesn’t feel fulfilling. It feels almost, I wanna say use the word shallow in a way. What feels shallow about it? It feels like there’s something deeper there that I’m not touching on. And I don’t know if I know exactly what that is,
but something feels like it’s, you know, pulling at me or, or you know, kind of nudging me to kind of go deeper, go go deeper than just what I’m, you know, talking about, you know, what I’m writing about, what I’m coaching about. I, I don’t know, it feels like there’s something deeper there. Okay,
so what’s the problem? The problem is I, I don’t know what that is, what, what that is or what that looks like. And it, I think in a way it kind of scares me because I had, I was so clear on what that vision was and now I don’t, it doesn’t feel clear anymore. It feels, it feels confusing.
Well, it may not be confusing. It just may not be be clear. Just because it’s not clear yet doesn’t mean you have to be confused. Okay. But a lot of times when we’re in a time of uncertainty, the mind goes, oh my gosh, something must be wrong because I don’t know. Rather than going, oh wow, something’s gonna be revealed and I just need to wait and I just need to surrender.
Right? This isn’t bad. And you don’t need to be confused and you also don’t need to judge your previous body of work and what you have helped people do. Cause you know, relationship and dating, that’s like a big part of our life, Right? And people need a lot of help in that area. So let’s not judge it as shallow.
And if something, if you feel something deeper is emerging, that probably means that you’re going through your own transformation. Yeah, I absolutely, definitely feel like after this year I’ve gone through another level of transformation. So let’s talk about that. What happened About a year ago, I had gotten ly disease and I didn’t know that I had it for about six months.
And at the same time it was kind of like, I didn’t know what came first, the chicken or the egg. My mom and I kind of came face to face with confronting our relationship, which always hasn’t been on the best of terms. And we had a falling out and we decided to go to therapy together and kind of really confront a lot of our issues.
And it was just very emotional, very taxing. So we’re in a good place now, you know, we’ve gotten, we’ve worked through a lot of our stuff, but I think just, you know, going through all that and then dealing with the health issues, it was, it was a lot all at one time. Yes. And what did you learn?
Oh my gosh, I learned a lot. I learned so much. I learned, you know, as far as the Lyme’s disease, to really listen to your body. So to kind of, you know, listen to your, your instincts and to keep pushing. And then as far as the relationship with my mom, what I learned was I learned a lot.
I learned a lot of things that, a lot of the things that I internalized as a child really had nothing to do with me. That was a lot of her stuff that she was kind of projecting onto me. And I, I learned to really separate myself from, you know, her stuff and kind of not be so emotionally invested in it. And also just to accept her for who she is because for so long I wanted her to be somebody different and when she wasn’t,
you know, living up to those expectations, it was just, you know, salt on the moon for me. Okay. And then going back to the Lyme’s disease, why do you think that that disease came in for you as a teacher? That’s a good question. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. Cause I do listen to your show and you know,
I know you talk about diseases coming in for a reason and what they’re trying to tell you. To be honest, I’m not, I’m not sure yet. I have been thinking about it, but I haven’t come up with anything. Well, Lymes is autoimmune, correct? Yes. Right. And many times autoimmune is reflect, it has to do with our relationship with ourself,
right? So there may be a part of you that is pretty hard on yourself. There also may be a part of you if you know all, all kind of the stuff with your mom about internalizing sort of her stuff may not have a very strong sense of self. So the gift of the disease was that it actually had you speak up and speak your truth and find your own inner authority.
Cuz you said, you know, I, I listened to my body, I listened to my instincts. So you found your own inner inner authority maybe for the first time. And that’s a huge gift and I think that that probably helped you in doing the work with your mom and cutting that cord and not internalizing her stuff anymore. Does that make sense?
Absolutely. A hundred percent. So what a gift to receive. And so the continued work is in not only being kind to yourself, but really speaking your truth. Yeah. Really speaking your truth and speaking up. So if all that is, is kind of what’s happening in terms of the healing and the transformation, is you really finding your voice and speaking in your truth and not,
like, would you say in your relationship with your mom, you were kind of a, a chameleon. Like you took, you, you were whatever she needed you to be, or were you more her therapist, you took on her stuff? Were you more people pleaser? Like what was the pattern there? I think it was actually probably a little bit of all three of those.
Definitely people pleasing, especially her definitely being, you know, more of the mother and she being the daughter and definitely being a little bit of a chameleon or as I, I like to say the actress who puts on the mask, you know, of not really being myself around her and being who I thought she wanted me to be. Okay, great.
So given that you had sort of all that paired up with mom, which is one of primary sources of love, what beliefs do you think that you formed about who you need to be and what you need to be to get people to like you, to accept you, so on and so forth? Hmm. I definitely think it’s other people’s needs come before mine.
Making sure other people are happy and just kind of believing that I have to act a certain way in certain situations. Like I can’t really speak my truth because I don’t wanna offend anybody or make anybody feel bad or make anybody uncomfortable. Like I have to just kind of, you know, be quiet and what, what is it saying? It’s, you know,
be seen and not heard. Yeah. And who do you think you need to be to be liked? I, I, I think growing up I always was the good girl, you know, I did what I was told and I got the good grades and I never really made any waves and they always kind of just, I always just did the right thing and all that stuff and,
and I guess I equate that with, you know, that’s who I’m supposed to Be. And what about with peers and things like that? Who do you think you need to be to be liked accepted, like among groups? I think same, The good girl, The good girl always being there for her. For other people. Like I’ve always been that friend that everybody,
you know, kind of comes to and, and talk and I, you know, always make time to talk for them and I’m always thinking about others and doing for others and, Okay. Okay. So we’re gonna pause that for a second and I’m gonna circle back to all this and start connecting these dots. I wanna back to your career when you started a year and a half ago as a relationship and dating coach.
Why were you so excited about it? Because it was the first time I ever felt really passionate about anything. You know, it was the first time that I felt like I really found where I belonged and found something that I could be really good at. Okay. And why relationship in dating? Well that’s, that’s a good question. Relationship in dating came because of three reasons.
One was that when I was 18 I was raped and I went through a lot of therapy, you know, healing, healing that and working with that. And I always knew that I wanted to take that and transform it into something positive and to help other women. The second reason after the rape, I was in a very emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.
And, you know, seeing, seeing that and you know, also wanting to transform that experience and then meeting my husband who is the most wonderful human in the world and he’s my biggest support system in my rock. And I really just wanted to kind of take those three huge experiences and help women to, you know, become confident and to show them that they’re loved and that they’re worthy and that they don’t need to,
you know, settle. Great. So what feels shallow about that? What feels shallow about that is that it’s funny because I, I started this journey with, you know, the biggest thing for me being the rape and wanting to, you know, transform that into something positive and yet it’s something I never talk about. Exactly. I really don’t talk about that.
I don’t talk about the emotional part of it. I don’t talk really about the abusive relationship. I kind of touch on it, but I don’t really talk about it. My next question to you was going to be, if I went to your website, would I know and feel all of that depth? No, exactly. I don’t think so. Exactly.
So this is why you feel your words confused, but you’re not, you’re not confused, you’re just incongruent. Like what you’re putting out there is incongruent with your current truth. That’s why it feels confusing. So I imagine that if I looked at your brand or your website, it would look super aspirational and romantic and I’ll help you. It will, you will,
it will look like the good girl. It will look like I am the girl that has it together and I will help you and I will make you feel better cuz that’s how I get my worth in value. Yep. And that was how you belo, that’s how you got your worth in value for so long. That’s how you belonged. So your career was projecting that there was a little bit of a mask and a little bit of,
okay, let me look at the dating and relationship coaching world and who do I need to be to fit into this and, and please everybody make them feel good so that they hire me as their coach. Because I think that, you know, putting on kind of a mask, being the chameleon, making people feel good, presenting a certain way is what gets people to like me and accept me.
And now you’ve gone through this huge transformation, this huge healing journey where Lyme’s disease has come in and said, no more, not speaking up for yourself no more. Not listening to your own intuition, being your own best advocate. The healing with your mom happened and says no more internalizing everybody else’s stuff. No more putting on a mask and being who I need,
being someone I think others need me to be. It’s time to speak my truth. It’s time to be authentic, it’s time to be real. And that aspect of you needs to come into your business. Now that doesn’t mean when I go to your website, I see, hi, my name’s Jen, I was raped, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.
You know, it doesn’t need to be like front and center flashing lights because we don’t wanna lead with kind of a victim story, right? But you have to find a way to authentically bring this in to your work, Right? And to how you present yourself, Right? And This yeah, that’s, that’s the feeling I’ve been getting lately. That’s spot on.
So can you see how it’s just incongruent? You’re, you’re, the work you’re doing as a relationship dating coach is not shallow and, and I don’t think you need to go and pursue a different field or a different being a different type of coach. I think it’s bringing more of you more of your own voice into your brand and your business, right?
And part of what may be a through line in the relationship and dating coach that you are is helping people find their inner voice, find their truth. Because the more one finds their inner voice and their truth, the more likely they are to have a successful relationship. And that’s everything from dating and speaking our truth to really authentically knowing our truth and knowing what we want so we don’t attract partners that are based on our old core issues.
Is this resonating with you? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So what a gift that you went through this transformation and I think with all of us, whether we’re coaches or not, we evolve relationships, evolve, careers, evolve. My website today and what I focus on today is so different than when I started, when I started I was teaching 20 somethings how to get over their quarter life crisis.
And I still love that, I still love working with millennials and helping with that, but I, I have grown and expanded and deepened. So who I am and what I project present to the world is, is different. It’s grown with me, right? And your body of work will grow with you as well. And honestly Jen, I love the timing of this.
I love that you didn’t have on your website before all this stuff that you weren’t very out about all these challenges because I think it would’ve had more of a victim charge to it, right? Going through everything you went through with Lyme’s disease, healing the relationship with your mom, really being more of a place of empowerment will help you create this from more of a place of empowerment.
Because there’s different ways people share their story. Sometimes people share their story and it’s kind of victimy and then they just get people with other wounds to come into their kind of pity party and oh, we all had such terrible experiences, let’s all bond over that. It, it’s another experience to be like, I understand I’ve been through something similar, let’s learn and grow together.
Right? And I think that’s why I was so, I’ve been so hesitant because I was afraid of attracting that type of person. So that’s why I think I chose not to talk about it cause I wanted it to be all like, you know, positive and happy and upbeat and, and I find that it’s just not, that’s just not really what coaching is about all the time.
No it’s not. But notice how when you’re like positive, happy, and upbeat, that’s the, that’s the pattern, that’s the protective part of you. As long as I keep everything positive and happy and upbeat, I’m okay. Right? Don’t underestimate yourself Jen. And don’t underestimate the value you can give to people. And hey, here’s the thing,
you don’t have to be completely evolved and over all this stuff to be able to serve people, Right? But you have to be where you are, which is you’ve gone through some deep healing, you have tools, you have experience, you have awareness, you have vulnerability, you have authenticity, you have honesty, and most of all you’re coming from in a place of empowerment,
not victim. You’re not letting these things that happen to you be the reason why you don’t have what you want. You also don’t want them to be the reason why you have your husband cuz you don’t wanna see in people that you have to go through all these hard things to meet a great guy. Like, but he’s like the prize for going through all this hard shit,
right? You know that you don’t wanna like project that it’s it, but it’s like no matter what you’ve been through, no matter who you are, we’re all deserving of meeting someone amazing because through all of this hardship you learned how amazing you are and that’s what drew in the amazing partner Make sense? Yeah, absolutely. Still confused. I just, I guess I’m,
my kind of wheels are spinning and I’m just trying to think of how you incorporate that into like copy or you know, copy on your website. You know, things I write about in my blog, like how to keep in that empowered state instead of the victim state and like how much is sharing too much? Like where do you draw the line? Well I think that what is a good thing to do is to look at people who you really respect in terms of you really resonate with their message,
their brand, look at how they share their story and do a lot of internal checking. The thing here is listening to your internal voice. If you really get out of your head and you stop thinking about how is this gonna be perceived? Cuz that’s gonna be your tripping point. The minute you start thinking about how is this gonna be perceived, how do I do this?
You’re doing that out in thing. That was a pattern for so long. And so this is really about getting quiet, going within and really feeling into how you wanna communicate, how you wanna help people and what gifts you have to offer and what you learned. And it will be time, you know, people like if you go to my website and read my bio,
there’s not that much, you know, deep stuff. But I really trust that if people resonate, they, they see a blog or they hear a podcast or they see a picture and they’re drawn and they resonate, they’ll start to listen more, read more and they’ll, they’ll find what they need from me. And so you don’t have to put it all out there at once,
Jen. It can be something that starts to be revealed as you start to find this voice. But definitely looking at, you know, up leveling what you currently have to really be more of an energetic match to what you feel like you want to help people with. Does that make sense? Right. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And a lot of this too will just come out in your sessions with people as you’re connecting with them.
It doesn’t all have to be exposed on your website, but you want, you want that depth to be there. You want people to be able to feel not just happy, shiny, presentable like I, you know, rainbows and unicorns Jen. It’s like let people feel your depth. Yeah. Yep. Absolutely. Don’t try to figure this out with your mind.
Yep. And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I feel like I’ve been banging my head against the wall trying to figure out how this all fits together and I feel like I’ve, you know, been struggling to see how the dots connect. Do you see how they connect now? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So no more banging your head against the wall.
That’s not gonna help listen deeply. Internal voice, internal wisdom. You will be guided just like you were guided to not take a no diagnosis as an answer, something was alerting you. So keep mining the gift of the disease and, and here’s, here’s my sort of guess. The more you listen to your inner voice, the more you stop trying to be what you think you need to be or what other people want from you,
the more you speak authentically and honestly in all aspects of your life, the less you probably will experience symptoms. Yep, that makes sense. So what are you committed to? I’m committed to getting out of my head and really just listening to what that inner voice is saying to me And serving people from that place. Yep. Not from the place of wanting to make them happy or wanting to please them or wanting them to like you.
Yeah. Really serving them from that place of inner wisdom that you have gained both from your life experience and that’s just your natural intuition. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you Jen for zigzagging with me on this call and being so open to the coaching and feedback. Before I dive into some of the specifics, I wanna talk generally about the process of growth as we uncover and heal issues either in relationships like gendered with her mom or physical things like the Lyme disease.
We actually shift our vibration. It’s like our energetic cells change, which creates a shift in what we’re attracted to and what we attract. So if you think of any disease or any toxic relationships or core issues, they’re heavy. They, they take up energetic weight and as we heal and as we clear and as we forgive, it really does shift our vibration and we’re energetic being so that’s going to create changes in our outside world.
Some of those changes are gonna happen naturally and sometimes we’re just gonna feel like something just isn’t right anymore. Einstein says, no problem can be solved, the same level of consciousness that created it. This is not just true of solving problems. As we shift consciousness we don’t wanna create in the same way, we don’t feel called to engage in the same things.
Our sense of self, our identity shifts and as it does, it can feel super confusing because our external life is not congruent with her internal life. As I said to Jen, she felt incongruent with her current truth because she shifted. So she felt incongruent with what she was projecting as a coach. Now she said, this feels really confusing, but it’s not confusing,
it’s just a mismatch. We literally outgrow things we created based on our old core issues. As we grow and experience new things, like I said, we literally shift our vibration, which then impacts our sense of self. Or another way you could say it is that shifts our identity, our roles, and even our interests in life. So as you evolve,
allow your career, relationships, health and finances to evolve with it. For example, I talked in the session about how my brand has evolved, but that’s not the only aspect of my life that shifted. My friendships have shifted. The friends I had at 25 when I first got on the path are much different than the friends I have now. And so many of the friends I have now will be friends for life because they are on the path with me or walking in the same direction.
We share some of the same values. My finances have changed, not just in the sense of being more prosperous, but how I spend my money, how I contribute, how I donate my money. The way I think about prosperity has shifted as I’ve healed my own issues around self-worth. So again, I wanna emphasize, just because you don’t have clarity about something or something doesn’t feel as fulfilling as it used to,
does not mean you’re confused. You’re in a time of change, you’re in a time of transformation. And for something to transform for one thing to the next, there is a period of chaos. There is a period where it’s like we don’t know. There is that period of uncertainty and it can kind of feel chaotic, but don’t rush to figure it out.
Let it be revealed. Give yourself some time to let the shift settle and look inward for guidance. And then as you get it, listen and be, be willing to make those shifts. Even if it means rebranding yourself, even if it means leaving a marriage. I mean that was a big part of my divorce. There was so much vibrational shift inside of me and my ex and I were just not growing in the same direction.
Am I saying that if you’re someone that’s growing and you’re with someone that’s not, that can’t work, no. Only you know what’s right for you. However, it is important to pay attention to what you continue to play out in your external world that isn’t a match with your internal world because there will be disharmony and you probably will feel a sense of dissatisfaction.
So be willing to have the courage to make the external changes to keep up with your internal growth. Some specific takeaways, if you have expectation hangover my last book. And if you don’t, just go grab it on Amazon paperbacks like 11 bucks. Go to the spiritual section and look at the role of the seeker and do the exercise about the lesson quest.
When you really go and look at your life experiences and what lessons they were there to serve. Take an inventory of your external life. Does it match your internal? You know, so much of my move to San Diego was because there was so much internally I had shifted that living in LA and the place I lived anymore just didn’t feel right anymore and I just kind of had to move.
So are there any of those big shifts that are really calling you forth to make next? How can you be more vulnerable and honest without being victimy? Think of ways that you people please or stay small or play it safe. And how can you really step into a deeper level of authenticity? And finally, where are you telling yourself you’re confused when you’re really not?
Can you allow yourself just to be in the uncertainty? Can you allow yourself not to know, but not call it confusion? You’re in the in between. And remember, the quicker you attempt to get answers, the more you’re gonna be trying to figure things out with your mind. Instead of letting your inner wisdom show you the way the voice of the inner wisdom can be quiet,
you have to create space to listen to it and not be so quick to figure it out with the mind. Again, as Einstein says, no problem can be solved to the same level of consciousness that created it. So as your consciousness shifts, give yourself time to really attune to the shifts in the external world that you’re being calling forth to make, sending you much love and many blessings.
Until next week, Thank you for listening to Over it and on With It. I love hearing from you. So please post your comments or questions at christinehassler.com/podcast. That’s also the place you can sign up to receive coaching from me in an upcoming episode. And if you love this show, please share it and subscribe in iTunes. You can find all my social media handles and sign up to be part of my community at christinehassler.com.
Until next week, here’s to getting over it and on with it. Much love and many blessings.