EP 396: Healing Unworthiness with Matt

This is episode 396, healing Unworthiness with Matt. Welcome to Over It and on with it. I’m your host, Christine Hassler, and for over a decade I’ve been a life coach, speaker and author. Each week you’ll hear me work directly with a caller as I coach them through a goal they wanna accomplish or an obstacle they may be facing. I’ll provide a blend of practical and spiritual advice,

as well as tangible actions you can apply to your own life. Now let’s get on with the episode. Welcome back to the show everybody. Thank you so much for joining me for this episode. I’ve really loved that. I’ve had several male callers on the show lately, which is, which is great. Definitely have majority of female callers and female listeners,

but when we do our data, there’s a lot of you men out there listening, so encourage you to apply to be on the show. Christinehassler.com/waitlist is how you do that. Alright, today’s show covers a lot of ground and you’ll hear in Matt’s story that there’s a lot that’s happened in his life and I I zone in on one particular part. I’ll share more about why I did that and why I didn’t pick up other pieces in the breakdown after the show.

But this is a very important show for any of you who are dealing with sense of unworthiness, sense of anxiety, and any of you have dealing, who are dealing with shame about secrets and lies that you’ve kept and told in your life. Because no one purposely holds secrets and lies. No one purposely hurts other people. Well, I don’t wanna say no one,

no one listening to this show, I don’t think. But sometimes we do things and we have behavior at that is coming from a wounded place, doesn’t excuse it, but gives us compassionate understanding. So eventually we can move into forgiveness and stop the behavior. So as you’re listening to the show, consider, did you grow up feeling a sense of not belonging?

Perhaps you were adopted, perhaps you didn’t fit in, perhaps you were another race culture, and you had that feeling of where do I fit? Do you deal with a sense of anxiety? Do you ever feel an unworthiness? Have you shown up in ways in relationships or friendships or in any aspects of your life that you haven’t been proud of, that you have shame about?

And have you held secrets and told lies? So keep these questions in mind as you listen to my conversation with Matt. Before I dive in, I wanna thank my sponsor for this episode, which is Air Doctor. I love these air purifiers. I have two of them. It is the air purifier that I chose to put in Athena’s room because it’s so good.

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That’s a significant discount. 35% off depending on the model. Just go to Air Doctor Pro A I R D O C t O r p r o.com and use promo code over it again, up to 30% off at airdoctorpro.com promo code over it. All right, now on to my conversation with Matt. Matt, welcome to the show. How can I help? Hi.

So yeah, I guess I’ll start with just some background cuz it’s pretty relative to I guess everything that I’m going through right now. But about a year and a half ago, I decided to leave a life behind that wasn’t serving me and move into a van that I had built out with a partner and pursue a new life. And I know lots of things came up for me,

it was a full-on recalibration and the best way possible. But I’m about three months in kind of started going through, I guess like almost a psychotic episode. I just had a lot of secrets, a lot of lies, and just felt really isolated even though I was traveling with this girl that my loved and who loved me a lot. And I just remember looking over at her and just feeling alone.

And I guess it was the realization that this person had no idea who I was, just had a lot of trauma that I wasn’t willing to share, was obviously impacting our relationship. And I don’t know, it was, it was scary. Just really started to feel the weight of these, these secrets and these lies. And it got to the point where I just couldn’t hold it in any longer and ended up coming clean about sexual abuse as a child and abandonment wounds through adoption and the ways that I had tried to cope with that through addiction,

both drug and sex addiction. And I dunno, I guess in some ways it sort of saved my relationship. We were able to move forward because I guess leading up to that it was, I had a big crossroads. I had just turned cold and just wasn’t showing up in the ways that I should have been in that relationship. And from there, I guess the rest of the truth just started to spill out on its own.

You know, I think for her it was the realization that she had no idea the person that she had been dating for the past three years. So a lot of suspicion came with that and we ended up breaking up, but we’re still in touch, still being intimate. And it eventually got to the point where I decided to come clean about really everything just that I had cheated on her.

And yeah, I don’t know, I guess for the first time in my life I felt true empathy and the consequences of my actions. And it was a major driving force to find help. And I had joined a 12 step program for drug and sex addiction and got a sponsor. Wow. And sort of outta desperation, I got into fit for service.

Yeah. Through Aubrey Marcus. Yeah. And I don’t know, prior to that I thought all that shit was kind of woowoo, you know, wasn’t into much of the meditation or breath work or community things and or exotic dance. And I was like, I, I just need help. So I went and it changed my life just to be able to be seen in a community like that.

Yeah. I’m just gonna jump in because I love the details and I wanna see how I can be helpful. So what’s your question? I guess my question now is since everything has evolved and it ends up, we’re not talking now and it’s, I guess I’m dealing with a lot of limited beliefs with getting back into the dating world and also as a freelancer.

Yeah. And I’m just trying to, I guess, work past that. I, I don’t know where to start. I feel like I’ve done all the things, you know, and I found a lot of growth over the year. But I guess getting back into the real world, I guess if you wanna call it that, it’s just, I don’t know,

it’s been a good gauge as to where I’m actually at and I’m like, oh wow. Yeah. Like there’s still a lot of work for me to do here. So when you say the real world, like what are you wanting and what are the limiting beliefs that are coming up? I guess what I’m wanting is financial stability right now. Okay. Also just,

I don’t know, finding someone to share my life with and just getting back into both of these worlds is revolves all around. Yeah. Building relationships and I dunno, I’m struggling I guess just with rejection and failure. Have you completely forgiven yourself? I feel like, I don’t know. I feel like I have, I feel like I have forgiven myself and those who have hurt me.

And Do you trust Yourself? But I don’t know, I guess I don’t trust myself fully. Yeah. So it’s hard to attract stability when we’re feeling unstable and inside ourselves. Yeah. Like when we don’t have our own anchor. And I think it’s metaphorical that you, you know, packed everything into a van and went traveling around. It’s, it’s sort of like you’re outside reflecting your inside in terms of what you wanted because there’s,

there might be a little bit of a runner inside of you in an avoidant attachment style from, you know, parenting and trauma and all that kind of stuff. So that stability that you’re craving, it’s, it’s more than just financial. Like you’re just wanting stability. And it’s, I’ve found over the years that the people that are the most free-spirited and the most nomadic and everything are actually also the adults who was children so wanted stability and didn’t have it.

Didn’t have it. Yeah. And so they’ve never known stability. So they’ve had to fall in love with freedom. They’ve had to fall in love with not having accountability and all that because it was missing so much as a child. So what’s coming up for me to share with you is it feels like to me that a sense of stability, a sense of routine,

a sense of like really feeling like your basic self and your foundations are taken care of would be incredibly helpful in calling in what you really call in, wanna call in. So let me just ask you, as a child, did you have a lot of stability and predictability and consistency? I guess so, yeah. How was your life really stable and predictable and consistent?

I mean, I don’t know. I was involved with sports, Talking more your home life. It’s, I don’t know, I guess I always felt like an outcast and maybe that was because of my adoption, you know, just never really knowing my place or feeling like I, I don’t know, didn’t have a family like I was seeing with other people in my life.

Yeah. And that’s not gonna feel super stable. Like if you don’t feel a real sense of belonging in your own family, how stable do you think you felt as a kid? Right. You know, so, yeah. How old were you when you found out you were adopted? I mean, it was always pretty open to me. Yeah. I was adopted at six months and yeah,

it was made aware to me from the start. But yeah, I, I guess I couldn’t really understand that growing up that my circumstance was different or that I was even just racially, you know, that I was different until it was kind of made aware to me as I got older. How racially are you different? I’m Korean. My mom and dad are Polish and Dutch.

Okay. Okay. So yeah, feeling it must, it’s confus, it sounds like it might’ve been confusing because you had this family and it sounds like they loved you and obviously they wanted you because they adopted you. But not really knowing where you fit is gonna feel, and not only just being adopted but not being in the same race and culture that you look in the mirror and you see that’s,

that’s challenging especially for a kid. Yeah. And so it can create a sense of well, you know, everything you’re experiencing. So I, I just, and this is all stuff that you know, and I’m sure that you’ve unpacked Matt in, in your life, but I’m just presenting it because one, compassion for yourself and a real understanding of why you are the way you are is important.

Not from a like, oh let’s analyze ourself to death, but just to me understanding how our childhood impacts our adulthood. It’s less about psychoanalysis and like blaming our childhood for everything. And it’s more about going, oh, of course. And having tremendous compassion for why we’re having the challenges we’re having. You know, you’d never be like, it’s just someone that got,

you know, bit by a snake when they were a kid. You would never think it was crazy that they’re scared of snakes as an adult and be like, of course you are. Right. Like, you had a dramatic experience. So this, this feeling of like, in your words, feeling like an outcast that’s gonna make a lot of things hard,

it’s gonna make relationships hard because you know, a lot of times cheating is sabotage. That’s what it really is cuz we’re scared. So we subconsciously are sabotaging something or ending something because on some level we don’t think we deserve love or we think we’re gonna be abandoned or we think we’re gonna be left, we’re gonna think we’re gonna be unlovable. And as much as your parents wanted you and loved you,

have there been times in life we’ve, you’ve questioned why your birth parents didn’t Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Especially as of coming into an adult, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And those are big questions and those are important questions and those are painful questions. So my guess is there’s a big part of you who has been terrified to love and has doubted,

like, does someone really want you? So you test and you push. Does that resonate with you? Yeah, that definitely resonates. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah. Like, I don’t know, a lot of this journey has been I guess rebuilding or reframing my relationship to the feminine and also Yeah. Just to love and relationships. Right. And seeing how I haven’t been able to,

I guess, fully love and commit in the past. Right, Right. And really believing that you’re wanted by the feminine because yeah. Again, we don’t know why your mom made the choice she did, but she did. And that, you know, that can create a, a feeling of, and a belief of like, I’m not wanted by the feminine.

So I love that you’re on this self-awareness journey. You’ve been doing amazing work and my encouragement to you would be, it’s not necessary limiting beliefs. The beliefs are attached to some really tough wounds, you know, some, some, some heartbreaks in there because the truth is, and I love that your, your parents adopted you and I think adoption is a beautiful thing and there’s,

you know, birth parents and then there’s our parents that actually are our parents. And I think it’s very difficult for anyone who’s been adopted to not question why they weren’t kept by their birth parents. Like that’s a reasonable thing to ask and a reasonable thing to think about. And I’m sure there are times you probably thought about it as a kid and especially feeling like an outcast.

You know, it just kind of compounded. So this part of you that really, really is looking for that financial stability or that, you know, stability in a relationship, not just in terms of a woman accepting you, but you being able to be loyal and faithful and honest. Cuz that’s all part of stability, right? That that the cheating and the line creates the instability.

Yeah. It, it, it’s all coming from that place of just really not knowing where you belong. Yeah. And really just wanting a stable, consistent place to land. And, and that’s up to you. Like you’ve gotta create it inside yourself. You know, your parents did the best job they could, giving you that in your home that you grew up in and now you’ve got a little more work to do.

So I’m gonna ask you, how do you think you can create more stability and consistency inside yourself? I think a lot of it comes down to organization in planning at this point. Yeah. I do take time in the mornings for myself to meditate and breath work and prayer. But yeah, I don’t know, as of recently I feel like I am diverging from this place within myself that feels whole.

And I, yeah, a lot of that comes down to kind of just not knowing how to spend my time appropriately. So yeah, just I guess organizing and planning like how my days should look at times and yeah. Prioritizing certain tasks. Hmm. Hmm. Well that’s a really good start. That’s a really good action step in terms of outward action.

Is there any, I know you said the breathwork and meditation and things, but is there any inward action you can take in terms of ways that you talk to yourself, ways that you relate to yourself, ways that you take care of yourself, that give you a sense of belonging, that give you a sense of like, I choose me, I belong here.

Anything you can think of that you can do? Yeah, I mean, I feel like I am constantly kind of battling this negative internal dialogue at times. This voice that’s telling me I can’t or that I’m not good enough. Right. I try to meet that with, with positive affirmations and I don’t know, maybe it’s this belief that it’s just like not working or it’s not working fast enough for Me,

what’s not working, I guess all these practices that I’ve implemented, you know? Yeah. What’s the practice? What are you getting trying to get the practices to fix, I guess just this overwhelming sense of anxiety or unworthiness. Yeah. So doing practices to fix those things is like putting a bandaid on a broken arm. What the, the starting place is just to love and accept the anxiety,

to love and accept all the parts of you that you don’t like. Because in constantly trying to change it, it’s like you, you’re creating that instability, you’re creating that sense of I don’t even belong inside myself. Like I’m not good enough inside myself. And that then just reinforces the unworthiness. So if you wanna use meditation to sit beside and with the unworthiness and hold it and love it and accept it and understand where it comes from.

Beautiful. If you wanna do breath work to move out any of the judgments you have on yourself for not being at a certain place in your life, great. But if you’re doing these things, cuz you wanna get rid of the anxiety or get rid of the unworthiness all you’re, you’re, you’re coming into these beautiful practices with judging yourself. And as you’ve heard me say on this show,

show, nothing heals in judgment. Nothing. Nothing. Things only heal and love and acceptance. Yeah. And it’s that core wound of being unwanted. If you don’t want parts of yourself, you’re just reinforcing that wound over and over and over and over again. So I understand unworthiness and anxiety is not a desirable place to be. I get that. I get that.

And I’m not saying you have to hold onto those places forever, but can, can you see how by judging them and trying to get rid of ’em, it’s just reinforcing them. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. So if you could go back in time and tell that little baby boy just born that you know, was in his mother’s womb and I don’t know if you,

were you with your mother the first six months of your life? No. Where were you the first six months I was put into foster care within a week. Oh, okay. That’s a big, that’s a intense start to your journey on this planet, Matt. So if you could go back to that baby who was in this womb, in this super safe place and came out into the world and was put in foster for six months where he probably wasn’t held and picked up and really cared for the way that every baby deserves to be,

what would you say to that little tiny baby? I guess just that it wasn’t my fault. Yeah. It wasn’t your fault. What else? I guess just that, that I deserve to be loved and accepted That you are wanted, that you’re loved, that you’re held, you’re accepted. You know, Matt, that first six months of not being nurtured and held like that,

it leaves an imprint and it’s no wonder to me that you’ve had trouble in relationships because that, that initial attachment and bonding, and again, I’m sure your adopted mother did the best she could at six months, but yeah. The first six months of your life with really no one there holding you and loving you Yeah. And rocking you and nurturing you.

And that’s a big deal. Again, not something that, you know, needs to ruin the rest of your life or anything, but something that needs to be acknowledged and cared for and tended to with so much love. So part of the inner work I’d be doing if I were in your shoes and even finding practitioners that can go back and help you actually love and hold that tiny baby and like bring him into your heart and tell him you’re wanted,

you’re held because it’s scary to come, it’s scary to come out of the womb no matter how much your parents are there or not. Like it’s a big deal to come from the, you know, the boom is the bridge between the spiritual world and the physical. And it’s quite an awakening when we come out. It’s like, oh man, I’m,

I’m on the planet again. Oh no. So it’s really going back and just loving that little baby up. Can you feel that? Yeah, I can definitely feel that. What are you, what are you feeling, I guess just an overall stronger sense of awareness of that. Can you feel a stronger sense of love for that part of you? Yeah,

yeah, definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Like I’m just visualizing this perfect little baby boy and just holding him and rocking him and welcoming him to the world and telling him you belong here, you belong, you’re loved, you’re perfect. You’re wanted because all that is true. Yeah. All that is true. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I I feel like I’ve had moments over the past year where I,

i like I know that truth and I’ve, I’ve really have felt it. But I guess it’s, it’s easy for me to, to forget and then as soon as I forget, it’s just even harder for me to remember. Yeah. So when you forget, you need to go back to that little one inside. Yeah. And just hold him close and remind him you wanted you belong.

It’s okay. Because it’s like I said, to come out and not really land into a family and into a primary caregiver until you’re six months, that’s, that’s an intense start to your life. Yeah. And it completely explains everything that you’ve said. The cheating, the lies, everything. Everything. Yeah. Not as a scapegoat or anything, but just as,

as a compassion place, you know? Right. And as a place to really go, like I, I have a, you know, like a core primary wound here that doesn’t have to be the reason why I don’t have things in my life that I want. I need to have understanding of it and I need to go back and be tender and gentle with that part and to the best of my ability give that younger part of me that fresh newborn part of me,

what he didn’t get when he was a child. So I want you to dedicate your breath work and your meditations and all that. Just forget the fixing the anxiety and the worthiness. Just let that go. Yeah. Really dedicate it to like rebirthing yourself to coming like take yourself back coming into the world and feeling held and feeling wanted and feeling loved and feeling safe.

That’s what I would encourage you to dedicate your practices too. Okay. Yeah. Thank you Christine. Appreciate that. Yeah. Does this give you some direction? Yeah, it really does. I’m glad I had a lot of nerves coming on here, but I’m really glad I did now. Thank you. Oh, I’m so glad you did. And the mama and me just wants to come and like scoop you up and put you in the rocking chair and sing songs to you,

rock you to sleep and tell you it’s all gonna be okay. You know, because every little, every little one deserves that. Yeah. Sending you and that little one inside lots of love. Amazing. Thank you so much. So thank you Matt for everything that you shared. Thank you for your vulnerability. Thank you for dropping in and really allowing me to coach you.

So you heard a lot in Matt’s intro story, he mentioned a lot, he mentioned the adoption and he mentioned the sexual abuse. Why didn’t I touch on the sexual abuse in this episode? Well, there were a couple reasons. I felt like the core wound of adoption really was the primary thing that was up for him in terms of his question. And in 20 to 30 minutes with someone,

I can only go so far and I really wanna respect where someone is. And maybe it was the mama in me that just felt in my heart. Like I wanted to really nurture well all parts of them, but especially that little boy probably because I’m so fresh out of having an infant. And that time from one to six months was so crucial for her to be with me and to be held not just by me,

but by her father, by people that loved her, but especially by her mama. And if anyone’s been adopted or didn’t have a lot of time with your mama or something happened, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed for life. And give yourself the dignity of your process, meaning give yourself the, the compassion and the T L C and the mothering and the nurturing that maybe you didn’t receive.

So it was a very tender place that Matt allowed me to go to with him. And so much of that, you know, the body memory cuz of course he doesn’t remember when he was born, few of us do, but there’s an implicit body memory there and then he knows it, you know, so there’s what happens and then there’s this, what we make it mean in the story about it.

And being raised in a home that wasn’t his biological home. And especially being of a different culture and race that does create a sense of who wanted me, where do I belong. Now let me just say, I think adoption, not, I think, I know adoption is a beautiful thing. There are so many people that have had way better lives because they’ve been adopted versus if they had stayed with their biological parent and people who choose to give their child up for adoption because they know another family could give them a better life are angels in so many ways.

So I wanna just really clarify, adoption is a beautiful thing and can create a beautiful life for someone. And for Matt and his story, going straight from being born into foster care those first six months, that’s a lot for a little one to come into the world with. So we just wanna have compassion for that. We wanna be real about that.

And this sense of unworthiness that he felt anxiety, unworthiness, I felt like that was really at the core. You know, of course the sexual abuse that happened is an awful tread thing in so many ways as well. Many would say that’s worse cuz you remember that. Where you don’t necessarily remember being born. This isn’t about what’s worse, it’s, it’s all part of his journey and we need to hold it with compassion.

But that unworthiness piece and that anxiety piece, it really felt like it was a birth core wound. So guiding him back into his heart, into that nurturing place, being with that little boy is going to also help him deal with other things. And the other thing I’ll say is I love everyone that is so into meditation and their tools and personal development and all those things,

but if you’re doing it with the intention to fix something, you’re going into any of those modalities with judgment and nothing heals in judgment. So go into those modalities to to feel, to heal, to allow what is there to allow the unworthiness, to allow the anxiety not to try to get rid of it. Cuz again, nothing heals when we judge it.

Nothing heals when we think we’re broken. All right everybody, that’s a show for today. Thank you so much for listening. Much love and many blessings. Until next time, thank you for listening to Over it and on With It. I love hearing from you. So please post your comments or questions at christinehassler.com/podcast. That’s also the place you can sign up to receive coaching from me in an upcoming episode.

And if you love this show, please share it and subscribe in iTunes. You can find all my social media handles and sign up to be part of my community at christinehassler.com. Until next week, here’s to getting over it and on with it. Much love and many blessings.