EP 420: How to Stop Attracting the Same Person with a Different Face with Trish

This is episode 420, how to Stop Dating the same Person With a Different Face With Trish. Welcome to Over It and on with it. I’m your host, Christine Hasler. And for over a decade I’ve been a life coach, speaker and author. Each week you’ll hear me work directly with a caller as I coach them through a goal they wanna accomplish or an obstacle they may be facing.
I’ll provide a blend of practical and spiritual advice, as well as tangible actions you can apply to your own life. Now let’s get on with the episode. Hi everybody. Welcome back to the show. So happy to have you here. So you might relate to today’s topic, and it’s definitely one that we’ve talked about on the show before, which is being in a very similar pattern when it comes to dating and relationships.
And either you’re dating or even you’re in a relationship. You might even be married and going, oh my gosh, why do I find myself in the same pattern of someone who’s emotionally unavailable? And we all have different definitions of what emotional unavailability means. We also may find ourself in a pattern of just not feeling chosen. Often the two go hand in hand.
And in this episode, we did do some digging back to childhood, but my focus with Trish was to stand in a place of empowerment. Because often when we’re in that place where we’re looking at why we get broken up with or why relationships don’t work, is we end up in a victim consciousness, which isn’t getting us where we wanna go. It’s just usually bringing on more of the same.
So keep these questions in mind as you’re listening to my episode with Trish. Are you someone who maybe has been married or has been in many relationships and you just find yourself at the same outcome? It doesn’t work out. You feel not chosen, you feel like the person isn’t emotionally available for you, and you just end up with so much heartache that you really are questioning whether or not you want to date again.
Did you grow up feeling like you wanted more from one or both of your parents and you never really got everything that you wanted? Are you grieving a recent breakup and blaming yourself and wondering, you know, what you did wrong? Why didn’t the person love you? And finally, are you constantly working on yourself to try to attract a better relationship? So keep those questions in mind as you listen to my coaching call with Trish.
Before we dive in, I wanna thank my sponsor, caraway Cookware. Maybe you’ve heard me talk about caraway before. I love their cookware both because it looks really pretty in your kitchen. It’s the kind of cookware you don’t even need to put on in the cabinet if you don’t want, and it’s non-toxic. So what they’re known for is they’re non-toxic, chemical-free ceramic coating so that food can be prepared with peace of mind.
And no hard to pronounce, chemicals will leach into your healthy ingredients. Now I’m a stickler for toxicity. And if you go down too many rabbit holes, it can honestly make you crazy. We live in a world where we’re constantly exposed to things that our body should not have to be exposed to. And we can’t control everything, but we can control what’s in our home.
And to me, investing in good quality cookware is an investment in your overall health. That’s why I love caraway. They take the research out of it for you. You know, they’ve, they’ve done studies. They know their cookware is non-toxic and you can have peace of mind. And they have everything from pots and pans to storage containers to muffin tins,
anything you need, caraway has, and like I said, they look really pretty. Every set comes in various modern shades to fit with any design aesthetic. And it includes easy access storage solutions to keep the kitchen tidy. ’cause everybody wants a tidy kitchen. Right here is your call to action so you can get your CareAway cookware. Go to CareAway home.com/overit to take advantage of this limited time offer of 10% off your next purchase.
Again, that’s caraway home.com. C a r a w a y h o m e.com/overit or use promo code over it at checkout. Trish, welcome to the show. How can I help? Thank you. I’m, I’m just finding it really frustrating that I keep choosing or I guess choosing men who aren’t either emotionally available or capable of choosing me, loving me.
Mm. And and I’ve done a lot of personal development work over 20 years in the space. And I being like not loving myself has definitely been something in the past, but I feel like I’ve, I’ve worked through that and yet it keeps coming back. How does it Keep coming back in the form of dating? Is that what you mean? Yeah,
like when I’m not dating anyone, I’m fine. I’m strong, I’m driven, I’m doing my thing, and then I end up dating someone and it, it ends in the state where they either aren’t low with me or they cheat on me. And I, it, it’s frustrating because I didn’t meet them in that, in that head space, but it obviously triggers that feeling of unlovable.
Yeah. And you said you’ve done a lot of work, so I’m sure you’ve traced this back to some things where you think this stems from this pattern. Well, in my parents divorced when I was one and probably a father wound of some sort in there. That’s my guess, but I don’t feel any but anger, I guess you could say, towards my dad.
What do you feel towards him? Love. Like I, I think he did the best that he knew. How, What did you want from him that you never got? I mean, I think from doing some of the work, you see it differently, obviously looking back. And there definitely wasn’t that called any time with him, per se. I’ve never lived with him.
It was always at a distance and it, at, I’m in my forties and I don’t doubt that he loves me at this point. Right. So I feel like, Well, but never really having him fully is, is gonna impact you. You know? It just, it just is because as a child we, we really do want our parents fully not part-time.
And loving, knowing he loves you is amazing, but the inner child inside of you, like needed more behavior, like needed more time. And I’m sure you’ve worked through a lot of that. And so I don’t wanna take you down roads, you’ve already been down. I wanna see if I can help just bring some awareness to the pattern and also like really help you forgive yourself because it seems like it,
you know, there’s a frustration and a hurt and also this, this judgment that you’re carrying around that you know you should know better or you’re doing something wrong. I don’t date a lot. I, my whole life I’ve only never really had like five boyfriends and one of them is a husband. Yeah. So it’s like, how do I end up with all the people choosing people that don’t,
that aren’t committed? Like, I know love takes work and then it just feels like it’s not worth, like I feel like my, like I’m, I feel like I’m a catch, I feel like I have a lot to offer and then it gets triggered when I think it’s people, the, the men I choose to date or be with don’t see the value in fighting for that.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I really get that. So let me just ask you a couple questions. In relationship, when you’re in relationship, how confident do you feel In the past there was definitely more of an anxious attachment style. This most recent relationship? I would say I would pretty secure. Okay. And how, just give me kind of like,
how do you behave in relationship? Are you really open and authentic? Are you guarded at all? How do you behave in relationship? I would say I’m, I’m pretty open. I think there’s times where I definitely watch what I say to not upset the space. Like I may not be fully saying the things I would say to maybe my, you know,
my girlfriend or my best friend. Like I, I’m okay having uncomfortable conversations. Did you spot any red flags in this last relationship In the beginning or even orange yellow flags? Yes. Okay. What were they? He left, we were dating. You’re like what? We were dating for two and a half months and he has some of his own stuff that he’s working through with family.
And then he just kind of said, I can’t, I need to focus on my family. And, and there wasn’t a conversation and that was it. He was gone. Okay. Did you see any or feel any red, yellow, orange flags before that? No. Not at all. No. So I would say that there, we came from different walks of life,
but there was nothing like who he is at his core. I, I liked and there wasn’t. And so when you had initial conversations about what you want in relationship, what you’re looking for in life, you were on the same page. This, when he came back, we were on the same page when, when we first met, it was kind of,
I was scared, but then I did a bunch of more work and realized that I was behaving that way. He was the first person I dated after being married. Married. Okay. Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay. So let me just track this. I’m just trying to get a pattern here. Sorry. That’s okay. So you were married, you got divorced,
we’ll get to that in a second. You date this new guy, you pushed him away for at first, but then he came back around and then two and a half months later, after the second time you tried dating him, he left. No, so he left. I, I was just going with like, like a high level dating like white boyfriend girlfriend for the first two and a half months.
And then he left to look after his family stuff and then he came back two months later and we became a couple. Okay. And we had done the work, like I had done work on myself to realize that it was, that I was afraid to be in a relationship and like open up. Okay. Because to me, when you’re in a relationship,
it’s like you’re committed and you work through, like if you’re dating, it’s not as scary as like boyfriend girlfriend. Right. Okay. So, you know, it’s hard to like identify really one thing because there’s different wounds that are attracting at different times. So like this last person, you’re attracted after husband, and we’ll get to him in a second when you are a little guarded.
So that generally means you’re not gonna draw on somebody who energetically, verbally, they might be really open, but energetically is gonna be really like all gung-ho about relationship if you are guarded yourself. Right. So it’s like we tracked the level at which we are. So rather than, rather than trying dissect this, I really wanna just get to point of empowering you because,
you know, I can feel the emotion, I can feel the self-judgment, the shame, the longing, the the wanting, all of that. And what I want you to drop is this story that you’re a bad picker. You know? ’cause your question is why do I keep choosing men that don’t choose me? Yeah. So on some level, how do you know you’re choosing them?
Right? It could just be a subconscious attraction and soul contracts that like you have to work out and no matter what you, you had to go down this road to get to where you are. So I think that it’s more about not a prevention plan, but an empowering plan when you start dating again, or when you bring the next person into your life,
really getting clear on where you are, what you want, and where that person is and what they want really early intubating. And if you’re not on the same page, if they’re not showing up consistently, if they’re being wishy-washy at all, if you are feeling guarded, then it’s like, it’s not a fit. But I think what, what can happen when we have a either parent where we don’t get everything we want and we kind of settle for like the best they can do,
even though it’s not fully what we want, we end up not very empowered in relationship because there’s still that little inner child part of us, that little girl part of you who is like, I’ll just take what I can get. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. So what’s coming up for you now That it’s like I’ll just take what I can get,
but at the same time I am like a selective, but it’s like, what is it that I’m selecting as in like what, what about those people? Am I choosing or being attracted to if I’m, and I say this like there’s been other men that have hit on or whatever, right? Like I, I don’t date a lot, I’m usually working.
Right. Right. I’d rather do that, but I’m at a point where I’m like, I don’t wanna have all these things and build an empire and do all this and be alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I hear you. Well and that’s probably another conversation that I’m always working in peace. Right. But what I wanna, where I wanna just stay with you for a moment is,
can you see how in dating and even in the beginning of a relationship, you are not showing up completely empowered? Yeah. Okay. I’m Kind of just letting it happen. Right, right. And even in, you know, first starting to date, like I’m wondering if you’re really as honest and as clear and as you, as you could be,
like you said, I’m not as always as honest as I would be with my best friend. Yeah, That’s a problem. Because his intimate relationships we’re talking about. Yeah. And there might have been a pattern with your dad since you didn’t see him all the time that like you were always on best behavior with him. So this is less about, and you’re gonna keep drawing in what I like to call integration opportunities until you really stand in your power.
So it’s like saying no to things sooner is gonna be a big thing that shifts us. Okay. So like if I don’t see it going anywhere, You don’t see it going anywhere. If you, if you are feeling guarded, if you ask questions, like, like, just to give you an example, when I met staff I had, I was so over emotionally unavailable guys who like I date for two months and then they’d say,
oh well I’m sort of seeing someone else, or I’m not really wanting a commitment or, you know, I’m just not at the point I was so over it. Hmm. And so from the beginning, like even before we were introduced, I had my friend ask him, are you looking for a serious committed relationship that will lead to marriage right now?
Like before I would even let her introduce him to me. And so it’s, it’s getting that, and for some people will say, well that can scare somebody away. Anybody who like wants that is not gonna be scared away from it. You know, it’s not something that you have to lead with. But if you’re like on a date and someone asks,
you know what you’re looking for, ask for a second date. You can go on the second date, but by the second date just say, Hey, I’m having a really great time. Just wanna make sure we’re on the same page. I’m, I’m dating for a committed relationship. I’m not saying that’s necessarily you, we don’t know each other well enough,
but I just wanna make sure you’re dating for that reason too. ’cause I don’t wanna waste either one of our time. Yeah. But, or it’s even little things like if somebody says, Hey, I plan this thing, we’re gonna go golfing and you hate golfing, you say, oh, I love that. You know, it’s really funny. I actually really despise golfing.
I love that you plan this, but how about bowling? I mean, I’m getting stupid examples, but it’s like not, not holding back, being authentic, stating what you want right from the get go. Because if you don’t feel empowered in dating and in your love life, it’s gonna consistently feel like people don’t choose you. It’s exhausting. I’d rather work because it’s gonna feel completely out of control.
And you sound like a very high achieving woman, very intelligent, and things that feel out of control you’re gonna run away from. Yes. So we need to support you in not getting, you know, I don’t like the word control, but some empowerment back because you have great discernment. We can look back at any one of your relationships in the beginning and we could probably find,
oh, there was the yellow flag Y Yeah. I think as you’re saying all of that, like, I, if I was going in unsure of what I wanted the first time we met, I wouldn’t have said that the second time we came in as like we wanted the relationship. But it wasn’t all the way to like, I’m, I’m dating with the end result of marriage.
Or like, this is, I feel like I’m not sure if that’s because I’ve already been married. If that’s what I want is that, should I just not be dating essentially? Well then if, if, if you are, what, what do you want? Companionship I guess. ’cause I don’t, I don’t know. I feel like it’s like if if it goes the right way or if it feels right,
then yes. But do you see how you are iffy? Yeah. How Are you gonna track somebody that isn’t iffy? Yeah. It’s making me decision. There’s like just not date. Well you, well, so you could not date for a while and that would be totally okay. Like until I knew I wasn’t ready to date until I was willing to get hurt again.
Hmm. Yeah. I’m not there right now. Okay, Then that’s okay. But then that is okay. But that’s more so, ’cause I’m still hurting from the most recent. Well then heal from that. Give yourself some time and space that’s you being, you know, you’re wanting an honest, authentic relationship or you feel empowered that starts with you.
So you saying I actually, I’m not gonna pretend that I’m willing. Like I’m not gonna pretend my heart’s really open right now. I may want companionship, but I’m really not available for everything that possibly comes with. So I’m gonna, I’m gonna opt out until I’m feeling like I’m in a place where if it doesn’t work out, that’s okay and I’m in a place of where I can be more clear about what I want.
Yeah. That’s empowerment. Empowerment is not following, you know, some societal standards of what we’re supposed to do or how quickly you’re supposed to get over somebody or any of those things. Empowerment is being really, really honest with where you are. And if you’re hurting and your heart doesn’t feel super open right now, then choosing, like consciously choosing not to date is so empowering.
And I fully support that. You know, when we teach our Be the Queen program, which is all for women calling in conscious relationship. The first almost half of the program we instruct, we don’t, you know, we don’t ever track people, but we advise strongly and encourage strongly no dating because, because we wanna give women the space to heal and to get really clear.
Because if we move too quickly from one relationship to the other, it’s like we’re just bringing in old baggage that we haven’t quite unpacked yet. I do, I I agree with that. I, I mean it was three years between my divorce and my, and dating him. I don’t generally date a lot because I don’t wanna get hurt and that’s been my story Yeah.
Is that I keep getting hurt. So Yeah. Well how you can shift that is though I’ve allowed myself to be hurt because I haven’t actually really been empowered. Can you see in your dating life and in like your relationship, can you see how you ignored red flags or even yellow flags? You haven’t been totally honest, you’ve said yes. When you mean no or said no when you meant Yes.
You know, like, can you see how you’ve done that? Yes. I can see like things were, you know, going into this one I was like, okay, this is important to me, this is important to me. You know, like self-development and all these other little things are important to me. And those were definitely not all met,
but I found it hard to, once I got to know who he was, to walk away without those some make sense Sort of say it again. So when I, when we first met, it was like I had all of these things that were like the things I wanted in the partner, right? Like someone who was involved in, in growing together and open communication and you know,
healthy minded, like worked out all this other things. Right. Some of those he checked off, some of them he didn’t. But it felt like the connection was so strong, like emotional and, and intellectual conversation and connection and physical that it was hard for me to not continue it or to walk away from it now that I knew who he was.
Yeah. I mean that’s the thing. When we have strong chemistry, especially sexual intellectual, emotional, whatever, it can completely blind us to things that are not really gonna work out in the long run because that wears off all the like fireworks and all of that. Like, oh my gosh, we have so much in common. And what you need is shared values to sustain.
Yeah. You don’t have to be identical people, but shared values have to be there, which, and really wanting the same thing Truthfully. They they were. And that’s why I think I have such a why I’m hurt by it so much because I, and I even said to him when, when we were splitting, like, you know, I feel like we have so much like our,
our core values and and morals and stuff are so aligned. Like the outside stuff doesn’t seem right, but, Well I mean he, I don’t know how you can say you have shared values when he chose like he couldn’t be in a relationship with you because he had family stuff to deal with. Fair. Well this time he’s just not in love with me.
So. Well either that or you know, he just, ’cause when we go, like when people don’t prioritize their intimate relationship and choose like a family member or work or a friend or whatever, really it’s a vulnerability block. It’s an intimacy block. So if you wanna hold it, he is not in love with me. That perpetuates your victim story of men not choosing you.
You Can get that. Well that’s what he told me. Well right. But again, if you wanna hold that story, it will, it will fuel this belief. But if you wanna actually get some altitude on it and look at well, can he really be in love with anybody? Yeah. Like is he actually open and available to that? Right.
Which then makes it not about me. Right. Right. What was his relationship history? Had he been in long-term committed relationships? Yeah. He was married for almost 20 years And what happened at the end of that marriage, He left. She was not kind from my understanding. And so you think he’s super open to relationship? No, there’s there’s things,
there’s definitely other things there. Yep. Yep. So I I, last thing I Yeah, go ahead. No, the the other things there is part of where I, I think where why I was struggling so much because I’m, I don’t like, I feel like it was that pulling it away, but at the same time I can’t, I’m not here to coach or be his savior.
Right, right, Right. And you’re also not there to make someone fall in love with you or choose you. Yeah. That’s Gonna feel crappy. Yeah, it does. Yeah. Yeah. So I think also in your discernment and when you’re dating people, like if I was dating a man who’d been married 20 years and had a wife that wasn’t kind to him a little,
I’d throw a little yellow flag out because I’d be like, Hmm, it’s gonna be hard for this guy to trust women and open his heart again. And I’d be asking a lot of questions around therapy around his mother and if he’s willing to open his heart again around a lot of things. Yeah. And everybody, especially as we get older, everybody’s gonna come with a story and everybody’s gonna come with some baggage.
But it’s how they relate to it. You know, I tell this story often. Like, my husband was a serial womanizer and cheater. Like he was awful. And I knew that was part of his past, but there was no yellow or red or orange flag that came up inside of me because of how he talked about it, how he related to it.
The, I mean years of work he did around it. Like I could feel in my body that it was, it was complete for him. So I’m not saying you gotta find somebody with this like squeaky clean past, but it’s more about like really using your discernment to go Hmm. Like can I feel this person’s really open? And we already talked about how you weren’t really open Yeah.
When you drew him in. So, so I think part of your, what’s perpetuating your suffering, Trish, is the way you’re holding all of this, right? Because there’s what happens in life and then was the, there’s what we make it mean. Yeah. And you’re holding all of this in more of a victim place rather than a place of empowerment.
Which goes back to my whole theme of this call. It is really time to empower yourself and really think, okay, is me believing he broke up with me ’cause I’m not enough and he didn’t love me. One, is it true completely? And two, is it empowering? And maybe it’s true he wasn’t in love with you, but could he be in love with anybody right now?
Is his heart available for that? Yeah. So biggest takeaway, start really questioning your beliefs and start really going, what’s empowering for me right now? That’s your word. Empowerment. Much better than my word for the year. ’cause that was surrender. Oh God, No. And that, and I would never recommend anyone use that as their word for the Year.
No, me neither. Me neither. No, no empowerment. Yes. Take as long as you need. Take as long as you need The, it’s interesting the, when I attracted how I was actually guarded, I didn’t connect that. Yeah. Because it’s, I was thinking I was in a good place and blah blah blah, but I didn’t connect the fact that I was actually guarded.
Yeah, exactly. Interesting. Exactly. Yeah. Does this help a bit? Yes. Okay. It does. Thank you. Good. So thank you to Trish for bringing this topic forward. It’s one we can’t talk about enough relationships, man. They, they are really triggers aren’t they? If you wanna grow, get in a relationship, if you wanna grow even more,
have a child. The things that bring us the most love and the most joy often bring us at the most growth as well. And as you’ve listened to this show or maybe you knew listening to this show, so much of our relationship challenges come from our parental issues, our childhood. Not all of them, but a lot of them. As children,
we want to be loved and feel safe and feel validated by our parents. And if there’s any kind of feeling like that wasn’t there. Like in Tricia’s case, she had her parents divorce at a very, very young age. And so she didn’t really have her father available to her. The amount of time that she probably wanted, and I wouldn’t say every kid,
but a lot of kids take divorce personally. They’re like, why couldn’t you stay together for me? So that feeling, not feeling chosen, that feeling has probably been there a long time. And so naturally every soul seeks to evolve. That’s the intellikey of the soul. And evolution is moving away from judgments, away from limiting beliefs and into love. And the only way we can move away from them sometimes is to have them right in our face so that they’re painful enough for us to look at.
Isn’t life wonderful the way it works? So often the relationships we draw in are triggers or activators to look at the stuff from our childhood that we haven’t fully healed. Now Tricia’s done work. She had awareness. I didn’t wanna go too far down that rabbit hole ’cause we go down that rabbit hole a lot on this show. What I really wanted to talk about was empowering her.
You know, as a little girl, she probably didn’t feel that empowered. And most of us as little kids often don’t feel that empowered as grownups. We don’t feel that empowered. So this is really about taking her power back and not being a victim of her circumstances. Know that she has dominion over the kind of people she draws in. And when we broke down certain things in her last relationship,
she was honest about the fact that she wasn’t really open-hearted. You know, she still had guards up. So is she gonna draw on someone that has guards up? Yes. And the worst thing we can do in a breakup is take it personally and mean, make it mean that someone didn’t love us. Now that said, it is great to look at any relationships that don’t work out and ask what can I learn?
How did I act in this relationship? I recall after my divorce, I really took a hard look at how I showed up in that marriage and I had to take a hundred percent of my 50% and I applied that to my current marriage. I’m not making some of the same choices that I made in my previous marriage. So we want to look and grow,
but not from the place of, oh, no one loves me. I didn’t get chosen, it’s my fault. Because that’s gonna throw us into a victim place. And I don’t know any victims that are empowered. Now I’m not talking about being a victim of a crime or abuse or anything like that. I’m talking about being in victim consciousness. That place of nothing works out for me.
I can’t have what I want. We’ve all been there, we all know it. Well it’s not a fun place to be, but it can be a comfortable place to be. So my encouragement to Trish was to move out of that victim place, be in empowerment. If she doesn’t wanna date for a while, great claim it. No pressure to do that.
Relationships aren’t the be all and end all of happiness. I know many single people who are very happy single, just like having kids is the be all and end all happiness. You get to choose what you want. And you might say, well I’m not doing a relationship ’cause I feel safe for not having one. Just make that okay for now, let’s just let that be okay.
You didn’t have the same kind of choices in childhood may be an empowering choice. It’s just to say, you know what? I just don’t think I want this and maybe I’m protecting myself, but that’s okay. And then perhaps the day will come where you think, oh, well you know what? I’m actually willing to take the risk. Empowerment is about listening to your inner voice,
not your inner fear, but your inner voice about what is gonna make you feel safe. Because when we feel safe, we feel empowered. So that’s my takeaway for you today. What choices and what ways of thinking and being can you take on to step into that place of empowerment. Time to move out of any, any visitations to Victorville and step into that place of empowerment.
All right, sending you so much love and many blessings. Until next time, thank you for listening to Over it and on With It. I love hearing from you. So please post your comments or questions at christinehasler.com/podcast. That’s also the place you can sign up to receive coaching from me in an upcoming episode. And if you love this show, please share it and subscribe in iTunes.
You can find all my social media handles and sign up to be part of my community at christinehassler.com. Until next week, here’s to getting over it and on with it. Much love and many blessings.