EP 425: How to Know if Something in a Relationship is a Dealbreaker with Sammie

This is episode 425. How to know if Something in a Relationship is a deal breaker with Sammy, welcome to Over It and on with it. I’m your host Christine Hassler, and for over a decade I’ve been a life coach, speaker and author. Each week you’ll hear me work directly with a caller as I coach them through a goal they wanna accomplish or an obstacle they may be facing.
I’ll provide a blend of practical and spiritual advice, as well as tangible actions you can apply to your own life. Now let’s get on with the episode. Hi everybody. Welcome back to the show. I love having you here. I love you being a part of this community and I am always looking for ways to make this podcast better and thinking about making some changes.
Don’t worry, the essence of the show won’t change, but thinking about making some changes, even changing the name of the show and maybe doing some other things. But I don’t wanna do it until I hear from you, my trusted and loyal audience that I am so grateful for. Will you please, please, please go to christinehassler.com/survey and answer some questions about the podcast.
If you include your name and email, you’ll be entered into a raffle to win a 30 minute coaching session with me that won’t be aired. So if you’ve ever thought, oh my gosh, I wanna be coached by Christine, but I don’t wanna be on air, fill out the survey. Make sure to put your name and email in there and you’ll be entered into that raffle to win.
If you don’t wanna put your name and email, that’s totally fine. You can complete the survey anonymously, but you also won’t be entered to win the raffle. So there’s that. So please go to christinehassler.com/survey as I sit here recording this today in Texas, it’s started off at 80 degrees and about a hundred percent humidity, and now it is raining and dropping down to about 48 degrees From like seven in the morning till one 15 in the afternoon.
And what that reminds me of was one, how crazy Texas weather is. But it also reminds me of how fast things can change. Now, some things in our life take a while to change, but some things can change really, really quickly. Remember, the definition of a miracle is a change in perception. So you just changing your perception about something can really change your whole experience of it.
And that brings me to today’s coaching call with Sammy. She’s asking whether she should stay in this relationship and we changed her perception to look at it perhaps a different way. And that’s when she got the most clarity in the most aha and hmm moments. So as you’re listening to this call, consider are you in a situation, it could be a relationship,
it could be a work thing, it could be a friendship, it could be where you live and you’re questioning whether you’re in it for the quote unquote right reasons. Next, are you in a friendship or relationship and think you should end it because you don’t wanna lead the person on and you don’t wanna hurt feelings. Do you relate to having an avoidant attachment style?
Are you the person in a relationship where when it gets too intimate or too close or that honeymoon phase wears off, you start to pull back and finally, do you have a deep insecurity about something in your life and think that you have to settle because of it or just take what you can get? So keep those questions in mind as you listen to my coaching call with Sammy.
Sammy, welcome to the show. How can I help? Hi, first, I just wanna say I really love your show and it’s an honor to be on it. Oh, pleasure. And I have a boyfriend, I’ve been dating him for six months now and he is like, this relationship is probably the healthiest I’ve had ever in my life. The thing with my boyfriend is that he is divorced and he has three children,
which comes with his own set of challenges, but he also has a spinal cord injury. And I’ve never dated someone who’s had that before or any type of minor disability or or illness. And I would love your help like navigating I guess what my concerns are with our future. Sure, sure. How long have you been together? Six months. Six months,
okay. And how old are his kids? The youngest is two and then he has a six and a seven year old. So they’re young. Okay. Young kids. Okay. Okay, got it. So what are some of your concerns and, and if you can tell me a little bit about how the, and maybe this will, you’ll answer this when you talk about the concerns,
but about how the injury impacts him, that would be helpful too. Yeah. Okay. So he got in his accident and it left him paralyzed from the waist down little over a year ago. So we met after his accident and his prognosis was that he was going to need a wheelchair for, you know, the rest of his life. So he was learning how to use a wheelchair and everything and then he just didn’t accept that and he pushed himself and he was able to walk.
So at this point he’s able to walk, he has some feeling in his left leg, but he still has neuropathy on his right side. So that means that he has something called foot drop. And then he also has some issues with his bladder. And I just wanna say that I met him on a dating app and he did tell me he had a back injury.
I just didn’t anticipate this was the extent of the injury. And when I went on a date with him, I just loved our connection and we talked prior to meeting and I didn’t really think of it as a hindrance in the beginning, but, and it’s not really something that you disclose immediately like here’s what I’m dealing with, you know? Right. Because he is also still healing and he is still learning about it.
So yeah, I guess my concerns have been, I’m a fairly active person and he is active, but he can’t run, for example, he can’t jump, he doesn’t have a great balance. It’s a miracle that he’s able even able to do what he’s able to do. But it still exists within me. Like what will our future look like? But we’ve just kind of gotten to a place where he’s getting more comfortable,
being more transparent about what he’s, he is dealing with because I’m sure there’s like a level of embarrassment and like navigating it himself. He really wants to be independent, you know, so I teeter between, am I overbearing like a mother when it comes to his health or am I helping like a partner, you know? Yeah. So if you were to kind of sum up your questions,
it’s like I hear a couple one, in terms of the life I wanna live, is this a match and two, am I moving more into like mother caretaker role? Right? Yeah. Or is this Like girlfriend? Yes. I’d also say I’m totally wanna be empathetic to what’s going on with him. And I’m noticing like it still exists that I would like to have things or I’m just used to having things a certain way,
if that makes sense. Like our sex life for example, is, is a little different than what I’m accustomed to. And I guess I just, I’m trying to figure out if it matters that much to me. I don’t want it to seem like I’m, I don’t wanna say leading him on, but I just wanna make sure I’m okay with something,
but I don’t really know if I’m okay with it, you know what I mean? ’cause I don’t have experience with it. Yeah. Yeah. Well first of all, I, there’s just such honest and loving questions to be asking and Thanks. I’d love to hear because it can be easy in a situation to like this to go, oh well like am I being selfish?
You know, or Right. Yeah. Kind or something like that. And honestly the most, one of the most selfish things we can do is not be honest. Yeah. Because we’re so worried about hurting another person that we’re not honest, which ends up hurting him worse in the long run. Right. And that’s what I wanna avoid. He is so great with communicating.
I just wanna say that like he’s a great man and it’s, it’s hard for me to, I guess, overcome what I am expecting to experience with him and then he can like see it on my face. And yeah, I just, I don’t know how to be different with that because I, I’m, I’m a pretty honest person and I’m, I think I’m quite optimistic for the most part and like hopeful and encouraging but still,
yeah. I mean I guess I have a little resentment there that why didn’t I meet you sooner? Kind of thing, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I hear that. I hear that. So tell me what is really great about this relationship? Oh, so many things. Like he is younger than me so I feel like a cougar, which is awesome.
And he’s only three years younger than me, but that’s nothing. But I love that You feel that way. And he’s so fun. I really like, he just gets me and we’re very different. I would just like to say we’re so different. He is more liberal leaning. I’m more conserv leaning. He’s got three children. I don’t have any children.
He grew up in a small town. I grew up in a big city. I’ve traveled the world. He’s traveled America. He’s like been in every state. But he is, he is great at communicating. He, I’ve noticed that he always leans toward me after we have like a disagreement. We don’t really have arguments. I think my favorite thing about him is that he has a really good temperament.
He’s not someone that yells, he just gets quiet. Which is kind of like kryptonite for me ’cause I need him to like yell at me. Yeah. Because he is just quiet. But eventually he opens up and he is more often than not the person that comes in and says, Hey, you know, I’m sorry that whatever happened between us, can we just go to bed?
Or something like that. So I really love that he has that quality and I really actually admire the relationship he has with his ex-wife. It’s pretty healthy. Which I guess I was expecting something otherwise why did they split and, well, I think the short reason would be from what he, you know, it’s his perspective that I’m getting. But it would be because they were what each other needed at the time and it was the best at the time.
And I think they just kind of outgrew each other. Okay. Well it says a lot that they’re still co-parenting. Well, and it’s not a messy situation. And so I don’t think you’re gonna like my answer too much, but what it sounds like to me is like, this is just not clear yet. There may be a part of you going,
do I just end this sooner rather than later? Because the more I like fall for him, the harder it’s gonna Be to leave. Yeah, exactly. And I get that. If you did leave today, if he said, you know what? Like, I don’t wanna hurt you more in the long run. There’s some big things here that just,
you know, aren’t in alignment with my ideal vision for relationship. How would you feel? I’ve thought about that before and yeah, I would feel really sad. I just, I feel that we have a lot more to do with each other. And the first couple months we were dating, I mean, he’s by, he is really handsome to me and was the,
this is my guy. You settled in and became more familiar with each other. I, yeah, those, those feelings started to have a bit of doubt. Like, is this the life that I can see myself doing? You know, and there’s always room for improvement with his injury. But Exactly. I was just gonna say, he was told he was gonna be in a wheelchair and he is walking.
Yeah. Yeah. As far as our sex life, like even the ability that he’s had to have sex with me is, is like another miracle because the, the point at which his injury is it’s in his lumbar and that affects your, your everything. Yeah. Your, yeah. I guess I’m a little flattered that it’s ’cause he is dated other people before me and it’s flattering that he’s had more success with that.
Right. With me. I think on one side, maybe I’m saving both of us a lot of pain because maybe this isn’t exactly what I want ’cause I’m not used to it. But then on the other side, I think what would happen if we did stay together, like his kids, for example, are great. They really, I think they really like me and it just fits really well together.
The concerns I have, I, I’m curious if I just stayed how strong our relationship could become if I just, you know, saw him through this evolution that he is having. Yeah. And I think, yeah, that’s why I, I, I couldn’t, I couldn’t bear to break up or or end the relationship now. Yeah. Yeah. I hear you.
And that sounds really clear. One of the questions I have for you is, what’s your question? For me, I, I guess in my head sometimes I think I come off kind of negative, but sometimes I just get into these like really critical places and I can’t tell really where. With yourself or another person With yourself or him? Him with Okay.
With him. Yeah, with him with me too. But you know, I, it’s like, I think sometimes I kind of ruminate and like the, the possible negative things. Yes. And I don’t really like that about myself because I joined this support group, it’s called Wags and it’s wives and girlfriends of spinal cord injury. Okay. And the women in there,
they have husbands and boyfriends that are quadriplegic, you know? Yeah. And they’re so much more positive than me. And I, I guess I feel like I am lucky in that regard and I’m just, you know, I feel like I’m complaining about things that I shouldn’t, I guess. Well let’s just let take that off the table because that’s not gonna help.
I don’t hear you complaining at all. I hear you questioning. Well thanks. Asking really legitimate questions. So what I’m gonna do is dig a little deeper and I appreciate all the background. That’s super helpful. But I wanna ask you, is it a pattern for you in relationships that you’re like excited and then you start to lose interest or start to become critical?
Or has this happened before? Yeah, all the time. Even some of my girlfriends, they’ll say, you get what you want and then you find a way to pick it apart. Well, there you go. There you go. And lemme ask you this, have you ever had a man this stable and this clear with you before? Never. No.
I can’t say that. I have. And What was your father like? My dad. Yeah. He’s super steady, just kind of like a doberman, you know, he just kind of there and, and I’m like the chihuahua that’s just bouncing around him and he is the protector. But I didn’t grow up with my dad. I, I primarily grew up with my mother.
From what I remember, it wasn’t a good thing between them being okay. Split, split Up. Did you want more of your dad? Yeah, definitely. Like I wanted, right. And I had this like idea that my mom, I feel really bad for saying this, but I, I, yeah, I felt like my mom was simple minded,
you know? And I felt like my dad was just very intelligent and well-spoken. So I thought, I remember thinking when I was younger, if I would’ve grown up more with my dad, maybe I would have a different, I would be different in some way. And can you see how you’ve drawn in that type of energy in some ways? Like,
I know he’s not a world traveler and all those things, but that stable rock type of feeling. Yeah. Yeah. Which is a beautiful thing. So what it seems like to me is, you know, you’ve drawn in this because if there wasn’t the injury, you and I would not be on the phone. No. But I guess I’m also,
since I have you, yeah. I personally, I have a pretty stigmatized STD that I’ve had since I was 17. Well, it’s herpes. Yeah. And I’m curious like, ’cause I’ve been doing my own work, I’ve followed you for a while and other people that you’ve worked with, I’m trying to like pinpoint my choices. And I think that some of my self-confidence or even the people that I would pursue come from a place of thinking that that,
that they won’t accept me. You know? And I’m just bringing this up because I wonder if like, I feel comfortable with my boyfriend’s injury because of my herpes, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That could be. There’s a lot of factors playing into this. I think that with, let’s separate him from the injury, like you’ve talked about how good looking he is.
You’ve talked about how you can count on him, how honest he is. There’s a lot you’re attracted to that’s like on the very healthy level. And why I said like, if it wasn’t for, if he didn’t have his injury, you and I probably wouldn’t be on the phone. Meaning like, or we’d be on the phone for a different reason.
Right. You wouldn’t necessarily be questioning him. Right. Well, I, to to that question also, I guess it made me think about this because yes, I am, I’m so nervous to say this ’cause I, I, I imagine he will listen to this. But I guess I just never really thought I could get someone that was completely healthy.
Yeah. And I exactly. I don’t know how that sounds, but yes, That’s what I was going towards. Oh, okay. Okay, great. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah. So here you’ve drawn in this like really healthy person. Yes. But you have an out, right? So with the mother that you have, you may lean more towards an insecure attachment style,
particularly the avoidant, which is when things get a little too close, we’re gonna look for reasons to run. We’re gonna look for Reasons. Oh yeah. I, I think I’m the fearful avoidant from what I’ve, yes. Like the research is done. Yes. Great awareness. So, and with this particular man, there’s like a, the, you know,
there’s a reason. There’s this injury, there’s this like big concern. And it’s interesting to me that you’ve drawn in somebody with an energy like your dad that you wanted more of, but you couldn’t have. Now you’ve drawn in this other person that you are attracted to for so many reasons. But there’s a perceived obstacle. So I think that there’s, I sense that there’s deep healing that could happen in this relationship for both of you,
Emily talking to you. So particularly you, Where I would be with it is to be in 100% honesty with each other. You know, so much of the time. And with the herpes, and I’m glad you brought that up ’cause it’s such a big thing for so many people. And I can think of, I can think of 10 people off the top of my head that I’ve coached and women seem to carry more shame around it than men.
That habit. And when they finally realize, oh my gosh, this is not a big deal. This does not taint me, this does not make me unlovable. They, they called an amazing partners, right? So that whole like, I’m damaged or someone is gonna want me or the person I get isn’t gonna want me because of this. I really,
really encourage you to challenge that belief. And eventually, well Yes, I have challenged it. I’m just mentioning it so you have some context. I, I think it’s great and I think consciously challenged it. I think subconsciously there’s still a part of you that’s like, that’s, you know, has has some, has some beliefs around it. But for my age,
I’m in my late thirties. I think I have a lot of insecurity about that. But also like where I am in my, just my life and I, I think that’s where like the critical stuff comes from because I don’t like where I’m at in my life. Yeah. And then on top of that I have herpes, it’s just like, yeah,
like shit sandwich, you know, sort of, yeah. What I, What I want you to be aware of Is Not in any way, shape or form holding a belief that because of these things I can’t have all what I want. And so that’s why I’ve drawn in someone with an injury because then you’re seeing his injury as a liability. His injury is something that’s happened to his body.
But in terms of how he’s showing up emotionally, physically to most degrees, you know, understand there’s some sexual things there that my guess is over time you can continue to work on is there. So you don’t want to like, if you hold and perceive his injury as like a flaw or something that like downgrades him, you know, it’s like these apples can go on the like good fruit stand but will put these apples with the brown spots over here still edible.
But you’re gonna get ’em for cheaper because they have these spots on ’em. No, we don’t wanna, that’s A good, good analogy. Think of him that way because then you’re seeing yourself that way. Right? If you can really see him as who he is separate from the injury, maybe you can start seeing yourself as who you are separate from oh you are in your career and what STD you have.
Yeah. That’s really good. So I think part of the issue here is there’s a projection of acceptance. You’re like talking about can I accept him? But the person you actually really need to accept is yourself. Oh that’s very good. That’s a good thing. Yeah. I see what you’re saying. Yeah, yeah, Yeah. So before you make any decisions about the Relationship,
I think you need to look at what do I think of Sammy and what judgements do I have about her and what am I holding her and where do I feel she is tainted or damaged in some way? And where do I judge her for not Being Where she needs to be? And the more you can accept her, then the more you’re gonna accept everything in your life and also the more clarity you’re gonna have To make deci decisions.
Right. Right, Right. Thanks. Yeah, that’s really helpful. Yeah. Yeah. So that’s my overall recommendation. Give this, give this time and while you’re working on this self-acceptance, let the love in, let the stability in. Let the acceptance in. You know, ’cause we all have to do our own healing work and relationships can be beautiful containers and to be mirrors for each other and like fully accepting each other.
That doesn’t solve it. ’cause that’s codependency like, you know, outsourcing our inner wounds to someone else to fix them. But it does create like a container where our own deeper healing and our own deeper acceptance can come forward. And it sounds like so created a beautiful, can I Ask what you’re saying about codependency? Because I, I hear what you’re saying about the container,
but I’m not like, I wouldn’t be using him for that safety if I’m, isn’t that codependency or not? Yes. Using him and not doing any of the work and letting his acceptance of you dictate your acceptance of yourself. That would be more of the co the codependency route. But being in a place where it’s like, oh gosh, someone like really accepts me,
it can open our heart to the point where it’s like, wow, I can actually do this too. Okay. So it’s, it’s more of a mirror than it is someone doing it for you. If I am recognizing, because I do feel very safe in this relationship. Yep. If I’m recognizing that that safety is there and I’m, I’m like,
okay, well this is a great opportunity for me to really heal something in myself. And then I don’t know, ultimately we don’t last is does that mean that I like use this relationship so I could heal? That’s the purpose of every relationship, to heal and grow. Okay. Okay. It all comes down to that. He would be benefiting too,
I guess. Yeah. You are loving each other and in relationship together and growing together. I wouldn’t say using each other, I would say growing together. Okay. Yeah. That’s a better word. Well, it’s more accurate too. It just makes me nervous to lean into the love part because in my mind it’s like, okay, well if we love each other and everything’s great,
then obviously that means we have to get married and then we have to live together and then we have to like have a family. And that makes me very like nervous. That’s the insecure attachment style. I see. Okay. It just, I’ve noticed, I feel so much more comfortable if I, I can anticipate, okay, this guy’s gonna ghost me.
I feel totally comfortable with that. Right. Or this person’s gonna be unreliable. I expected you to be unreliable. So it’s like not a surprise. And now he like is there all the time and available and it’s just makes me feel like, I don’t know, claustrophobic. And it’s not like he’s not, he’s not clingy or anything, it’s just,
I don’t know. No, it’s gonna make you feel very comfortable because you’re not used to love. Right. That’s that again is the insecure attachment style. It it like, I feel like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Do you know what I mean? I’m waiting for him to like do something that really, really pisses me off and he just never does it.
So it’s this constant like waiting for it. Well it’s a constant invitation to intimacy, the invitation to intimacy, the invitation to love, invitation to opening your heart. So we’ll keep leaning in. Okay. I can do that. I can, I can lean in. Yeah, you absolutely can. Thank you to Sammy for bringing forward a topic I haven’t really dealt with before.
Specifically should I leave a relationship because of someone’s physical injury or physical issue? I’ve definitely coached on relationships and people being in relationships or marriages when someone’s been injured, but never from the perspective of I’ve updated someone new, this was there from the beginning, what should I do? Well and what we got to is that the physical injury wasn’t really the issue.
Intimacy is the issue. I mean, I even hate using the word issue. Well intimacy is what we brought our awareness to. Vulnerability, getting close to someone feeling like you don’t have to settle. You know, and what Sammy shared about the STD towards the end is really astute and great awareness and great honesty. But again, she’s looking at the physical injury as a settling,
whereas all these amazing things about him, she’s attracted to him, he’s stable, he’s grounded, all these things. Well that’s not settling at all. So it was more a reason for an out. And so my encouragement to her and my encouragement to all of you is be really honest with yourself when you’re looking for an out. I see more often than not people that should leave,
I’m using the word should. I know people that should leave would be better off leaving relationships or situations often. Don’t they just stick around because the devil that knows the devil better than the devil they don’t. And it’s safe and it’s familiar and blahdy blah. Whereas people that actually probably should hang out and stick things out and see what happens, run sooner.
And we need to work on switching those around so that when we know something’s toxic, we know something’s not for us, we can go see ya, I’m done. And when we aren’t totally sure there’s some really great things there, but there’s a part of us that like kind of wants to run because parts of it feels scary or we’re worried about some things,
that’s when there’s great learning and healing in sticking it out. So I ask you, are you sticking it out too long or running too soon? And if you’re sticking it out too long, maybe it’s time to go. And if you’re running too soon, maybe it’s time to stay. Alright everybody, that’s our show for today. Please remember to go to christine hasser.com/survey
and fill out the podcast survey to be entered into a raffle to win a free 30 minute coaching session with me. Much love than many blessings. Until next time, thank you for listening to Over it and on withIt. I love hearing from you. So please post your comments or questions at christinehassler.com/podcast. That’s also the place you can sign up to receive coaching from me in an upcoming episode.
And if you love this show, please share it and subscribe on iTunes. You can find all my social media handles and sign up to be part of my community at christinehassler.com. Until next week, here’s to getting over it and on with it. Much love and many blessings.