EP 442: How to Get Attraction and Polarity Back in Your Relationship with Stephanie

This is episode 442, how to Get Attraction and Polarity Back In Your Relationship with Stephanie. Welcome to Over It and on with it. I’m your host, Christine Hassler, and for over a decade I’ve been a life coach, speaker and author. Each week, you’ll hear me work directly with a caller as I coach them through a goal they wanna accomplish or an obstacle they may be facing.

I’ll provide a blend of practical and spiritual advice, as well as tangible actions you can apply to your own life. Now, let’s get on with the episode. Hey everybody. Welcome back to the show. Even if you’re not in a relationship, I encourage you to listen to this one because perhaps you will be in a relationship one day, and so much of what we talk about will be relevant to some aspect of your life.

Because once again, we talk about how when an inner child has needs that aren’t being met, it tends to act up, for lack of a better word. Not that the inner child is bad, but it tends to try to get our attention, be really present, even if we’re not consciously aware of it in various aspects of our life. And as I speak to Stephanie,

you’ll see how much her little girl is impacting her relationship, specifically the sexual attraction and intimacy aspect. So as you’re listening to this call, consider, have you been in a relationship for a while and there’s a lot of love, but there’s not a lot of lust. You really kind lost that spark, that attraction. Did you not have that? Is there a part of you that believes you can’t have both that really awesome chemistry and the,

the safety, the consciousness, and the love? And finally, how was intimacy modeled for you as a child? Do you feel like you really had a beautiful, loving, intimate relationship with your parents? Or was a healthy, affectionate, romantically intimate relationship modeled for you? So keep those questions in mind as you listen to my call with Stephanie. And speaking of keeping things hot,

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visit caraway home.com/over it or use promo code at checkout. CarAway is nontoxic. Cookware made modern. All right. And now onto my coaching call with Stephanie. Stephanie, welcome to the show. How can I help? Thank you very much. Yeah, the question I have is the following. I’m in a very good relationship with a awesome guy. We have the similar goals,

similar desires in life, similar interests, and yeah, our relationship seems like super easy. We do our relationship check-ins, and yeah, it’s, it’s going very well. There’s just a very big important thing missing, at least the most of the time. And that is really that spark, that polarity sexual attraction that both of us have us wondering, like are we,

like, are we supposed to be together or are we just friends? Yeah. And like I’m doubting and he’s doubting. We’re also on such a good level and there’s so much depth. He’s a coach. I’m studying to become a coach. So there’s like lots of personal development. There’s lots of looking at our own traumas and our own attachment styles and all these kind of things.

And that makes it wonderful to, to talk about it. It’s, it’s very much an adult relationship, but yeah, it’s still that sexual attraction that is, is missing sometimes. And that makes me wonder. And you Said you’ve been together, how long We’ve now been together and June it will be three years. So a little bit over two and a half years.

Was there sexual attraction at the beginning? A little bit, but not, not as much I’ve, as I’ve had with partners before him. And when you’ve had good or intense sexual attractions to someone before him, what was the relationship like? That was trauma bonds very much. I think that was more attachment rather than connection or love. Right. So it was more your inner child picking each other than like your grown one.

Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That was very much like, yeah, fireworks, but not a healthy relationship at all the relationships I have had before. Yeah, Yeah, yeah. And fireworks are really loud and dangerous. Yeah. We all, we all want ’em. And then we’re like, oh, wait, they burn you.

Yes, yes. Exactly. Yes, yes, Yes. So this is such a mature question, and I think in, in any long-term relationship, and two and a half, three years is still a little new, but I would say around three years is when I hear this from most people, keeping that polarity, it’s a different kind of attraction.

And it does require work, especially when there’s not a lot of drama. Because what I see as couples that are together long term, they, they live on a rollercoaster or those who actually have a lot, like a lot of that firework sexual attraction often means they live on a rollercoaster. And so there’s high highs and low lows. So, and it’s that makeup sex,

like unhealthy pattern that often perpetuates the attraction. And oftentimes it’s the only way they’re really on the same page. So that can, that can happen. And then when you’re in really conscious, healthy relationships without a lot of the stuff that used to attract you to people wounding the trauma bonds, it’s like, well, what, what turns me on? So I think you’re asking a great question.

You’re both asking a great, great question. And I don’t know that you have enough clarity yet, because I don’t know if you’ve really tried enough, both of you. So, so ’cause what it sounds like, and correct me if I’m wrong, please correct me if I’m wrong. I don’t hear you looking for an out I hear you honestly being curious about this relationship,

or are you looking for an out That’s interesting that you say that and I, I kind of get emotional Mm. With that question. Okay. Let’s follow that emotion. So where do you feel that emotion? Well, where you feel that emotion in your body? In my heart. In your heart. Okay. And when you drop into that emotion,

what’s the sensation? I really, it feels a little bit heavy on my heart. Like a, a brick on it? Yeah. Okay. So let’s just look at that brick. Hmm. Okay. So it’s heavy, it’s rough, it’s weighing on your heart. And if you were to pick that brick up and hold it in your hands and really seek to understand it,

what is the message from the brick? Or what is it desiring? Because sensations like that either have a message or they have a desire. Well, the desire is, is really to, to have a, like an long conscious, healthy relationship where we both thrive and feel seen and supported by each other. That’s the desire. What’s the heaviness? There’s just a part of me that thinks connection is not safe.

What kind of connection is not safe? Mm. The ones where I, I can be completely myself and be vulnerable. And would you say that more than any relationship you’ve been that in this relationship? Yeah. And can you see that a part of you feels really scared about that? Yeah. So could you see how a part of you may not wanna go all in if this degree of vulnerability and intimacy feels a little scary?

Yeah, I see that. And what do you think that could create Doubt. Distance. Putting myself in my masculinity. Putting up a wall? Yeah. Yeah. So one of the reasons sex and attraction is easier in relationships that actually aren’t super conscious and healthy is because it’s often the only way we feel like we can connect. Mm. But when we’re getting connection on like really conscious,

intimate levels where we actually aren’t coming from our wounded self and our pain body, it can feel overwhelming. And to add sexuality into that can often feel like too much. So it’s almost on some level we withhold out of like, you’re seeing so much of me, I don’t know if I’m gonna give you this piece. ’cause then like it, it’s all of me.

Yeah. That’s really spot on. Just complete this sentence. If all of me is seen all parts of me, then If all of me is seen, if all parts of me are seeing, then it’s, it’s just super scary. And there’s a, like, I cannot finish this sentence, but if there’s a part of me that wants to run away.

Yeah. Yeah. So that part that wants to run away, just close your eyes for a moment. Just ask that part. If it’s willing to stay just for this conversation. Yeah. And could that part identify itself? What part is this? Yeah. This part is just a very young part that was not able to be herself when she was young.

Yeah. Yeah. So can you just ask her how she’s feeling in this relationship? She feels very scared. Was she scared of That? He’s gonna go away if I show everything or that? Yeah. Yeah. And maybe there’s a, I don’t know, a part of it that’s actually creating the, it’s almost as she’s, that she’s removing the polarities to keep me safe.

That’s what I see. That it’s a vision that comes up now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So has this, has this young girl, have there been situations in her life where people have left either physically or emotionally Well, yeah. My mom got really sick when I was a year and a half. And she was basically, I think like sick sick until I was six,

seven years old. And she was in and out hospitals sometimes three or four months at the time. Yeah. Even my, I’ve got two younger sisters. My second younger, or my first younger sister, I think when she was pregnant with her, she was in in hospital for five months. I don’t even remember my mom being pregnant. So I,

I think that’s where a lot of my attachment styles and not judgment wounds come from. Yeah. Yeah. So can we just say this little girl, it makes so much sense why she’s feeling this way. Yeah. Makes so much sense. I just really wanna validate her feelings and her wisdom. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. It makes sense to run.

Of course. It makes sense not to go all in. Yeah. It does make sense, you know, sense. Yeah. And the other thing that I’m just aware of and hearing is, you know, the mother child relationship is so intimate. Like the child really doesn’t even know they’re separate from the mother for a while. And not having that first experience of real intimacy,

my guess is, has left you a little confused about what intimacy is. That makes sense. The way you put it makes total sense. And I’ve never looked at it like that before. Yeah. So You, you know how to do sex and sexual attraction with someone that you actually don’t feel connected to because it’s been a way to try to get connection.

Yes. You haven’t yet learned how to do or remembered how to do intimacy with someone who’s actually safe and who you’re actually connected to. Yeah. All Also, if this relationship is healing a lot of primary attachment mother when stuff, there’s a part of your consciousness that’s going to be very forward and not too many, well no. You know, no children are craving sex.

Oh my god. Yeah. That makes total sense. Yeah. Jesus. Wow. So what it seems like to me is this relationship has been incredibly healing. Yes. And that might be the purpose of it. It might be what I would call a journey mate relationship where you come together to heal amazing things together or to support each other through something that only the other person has the exact medicine for.

And then there’s just a time when it’s complete and it’s not dramatic. It’s just like, wow, we’ve learned what we needed to learn. Yeah. That may be true or it may be true that you two together can actually learn how to do intimacy and sex from like a grownup conscious perspective. Mm. Yeah. Yeah. Which one feels more true to you in this moment?

And it’s okay if you don’t know. Mm. I wanna lean into the latter one. Yeah. Okay. Well you can lean in. Yeah. And see, and if it still is not happening, then it might be I the former. Yeah. But I don’t know about you. I’m someone that likes to like, unless it’s un an unhealthy situation and I’m super clear inside myself,

if I have any doubt, I like to lean all the way in. ’cause then I know, Yeah. I think I should be doing that then instead Indeed. Instead of holding back, just going all the way in. Because you have the opportunity to practice with someone who you feel safe and connected with. And like you said, he’s a coach,

so I’m assuming that means he has the vocabulary and the willingness and the integrity to approach this with you. Yeah. In a really beautiful way. Yeah, My hundred Percent. My encouragement to you would be, are you by any chance in our reconnect course the inner child work? I am not. I think I’ve seen it pass by, but I’m not,

well, It’s not too late to join, have to start today. But if not, if not the work that I do, then, then someone else really do some inner child work. Because If you are Tending to her and you are being that mother to her, then you’re not gonna project that on your partner. And he can step out of the role of parent and mourn into the role of partner and lover.

Yeah. Yeah. When we project our unmet childhood needs on a partner, that’s one of the ways we do kill polarity. Oh yeah. Makes, makes so much sense. Because there is a part of me that wants Yeah. The one him to be indeed like the provider and like to feel me, like to have me feel safe because he, he just started his vision.

So I’m like super ex, like anxious that he is not making enough money. But now when you say like this, I’m like, oh, I know who’s in the driver’s seat and it’s not my adult self. Yeah. Well, and wanting from the feminine perspective, wanting to feel safe is absolutely a grownup need as well. Hmm. But What I feel like has created some of this insecure attachment is the inconsistency with your primary attachment figure.

And so what I hear in the new business and everything is like the inconsistency scares you a little bit. The not having, like knowing where you stand, mom’s in and outta hospital, other siblings come. I mean there is a lot of like uncertainty. Hmm. So again, if you can be very clear about your needs and relationship because you know,

we have grown up needs too. We are interdependent. Yeah. But if you can really look at where you know you’re looking for, ’cause the safety we need from another person, from an adult perspective is different from the safety we need as a child. From a child perspective, the agreements parent to child are different than partner to partner. So something you could do is have more conversations with your inner child,

get really clear about what she’s really needing from you, especially from like the mother archetype. And then get clear on what your needs in partnership are. Yeah. Yeah. But indeed the inconsistencies is like freaking me out sometimes. Totally. Yeah. Well, and that’s where you really get to level up inside yourself and create that safety and security. But again,

there’s a little girl in there who’s looking for someone to take care of her. Yeah. And the answer that’s me. Yeah, exactly. Gets to be you. Yeah. Yeah. So again, and healthy long-term relationships, just back to the sexuality component. Yeah. It does take effort and intention because you don’t have that, and I know you said even in the beginning it was kind of like a B minus,

but you don’t have that initial chemistry, you know, and you don’t have the dysfunction of an unhealthy dynamic rollercoaster type thing either. Yeah. No. So you create polarity by being in your healthy masculine and feminine, but also putting intention into relationship. If you go to christine nasser.com/sacred Union Yeah. There’s A free download, a process that is for couples that Steph and I take you through.

That might Okay. Be nice to do with your partner and just see if, I mean, I know speaking in my own marriage, Steph and I have been together nearly six years and that initial like attraction and drive that was there when we first met is definitely not there six years into a relationship with a kid. But what is, there is like a deep love and intimacy and sexuality becomes a,

another avenue towards greater consciousness and awareness. Like to go deeper in yourself and deeper in the relationship. And you can add in fun elements to spice it up. It doesn’t always have to be this like conscious deep lovemaking experiment. No pressure. Yeah. You know, they can still be light and fun as well. And, and, and that’s where a healthy inner child aspect comes forward is like really bringing that joint fun and play into it as well.

Yeah. Mm. So what clarity has this brought you? Well, that, that I think that I have my inner child that misses her mom probably a little bit too much in the driver’s seat that she projects needs on my partner that he should not be fulfilling and that she Yeah. Limits me from showing my true self because there is a wound on that,

on, on, on showing my true vulnerability and that she’s blocking that by putting me in my masculine and, you know, basically removing the polarity. Yeah. Yeah. Well she’s, you know, she’s not blocking anything. So we just wanna be really tender with the words we use with our inner child. She’s working to get your attention and she’s not feeling like she wants to do some grown up things.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And what what really stood out for me was indeed like, you know, young children do not necessarily wanna have sex and that landed Yeah, Yeah, yeah. No, they, they don’t like, it’s not, sexuality isn’t turned on yet for good reason. So it’s not so much that she’s making you be in your masculine,

I wouldn’t say it’s actually your masculine, I would say it’s more protective coping strategies that you’ve had to adopt along the way of control because there was so much uncertainty in your early childhood, especially with your primary caregiver, which is going to make you really want control uncertainty. It’s not your masculine energy that’s a survival pattern. Mm. Makes sense. Mm.

Wow. That’s gonna be a tough one too. At maybe, maybe not, maybe, maybe not. You know? Yeah. I think that the toughest part was going through it my love. Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. It’s actually really beautiful when we can actually like honor it and heal it and like bring light to something that sort of lived in the shadows for decades.

Mm. Yeah. It’s actually tougher to ignore it because our life isn’t what we want. Yeah. Yeah. Especially the control uncertainty part. It’s just, it’s like, like woven throughout my being. If there’s anything I’m looking for, it’s always certainty. Right. But That’s right. I think that’s one thing in life that we don’t have. Actually.

We don’t. No. We really don’t. No. All right. We have love. Yeah, we do love and support. Yes. Thank you to Stephanie for bringing such an intimate and vulnerable topic forward. This is one I’m sure so many of you listeners can relate to or will relate to at some point in your relationship or life. And for those of you who missed the link that I gave for Stephanie,

if you go to christine hasser.com/sacred union, that’s a beautiful intimacy practice that Steph and I created is completely free to download. So again, christine hater.com/sacred union, you can even do it with yourself, you know, ’cause having greater intimacy with yourself is incredibly important because we can only go as deep with someone else as we can with ourself. So Stephanie, I talked about a lot in this call,

not too much to break down. What I wanna overemphasize here is that when there are unmet needs from our inner child, we will, it’s, it’s mandatory that those needs get met. So we will create conditions in which we think those needs can get met. So here she’s drawn in this person that really is giving her the safety and the closeness that quite honestly a parent should have.

And people don’t wanna be attracted to their parents. That’s just not healthy or normal or natural. And so oftentimes when there is that dynamic of our partners giving us the things we didn’t get from our parent, it can really kill the spark. You know, the other thing that can kill a spark is just being in relationship for a while. I mean,

Stephanie and her partner haven’t been in relationship for that long, but as relationships go on, you just get to know somebody really, really well. And all of those initial mysterious pheromones that were there in the beginning wear off. And so it does take work. You know, healthy relationships that don’t have that rollercoaster that can often create that chemistry, do take investment.

They do take time, they do take creativity and putting practice and time and attention into intimacy and into our sex life. For Stephanie, that’s part of it. But as we discovered in the call, there was a another big factor here of having a huge wound with not really feeling that bond with mom. And so she’s looking for a bond that’s more like a parent child bond versus a partner bond,

right? And so without that, you know, really healthy partner bond, there’s not gonna be a lot of attraction. So perhaps it’s possible for her to really create that parent child bond between her and her inner child so that she’s not projecting parent on her partner and her partner can just become a partner and a lover. Alright everybody, that’s a show for today.

Sending you so much love and many blessings. Until next time, thank you for listening to Over it and on With It. I love hearing from you. So please post your comments or questions at christinehassler.com/podcast. That’s also the place you can sign up to receive coaching from me in an upcoming episode. And if you love this show, please share it and subscribe on iTunes.

You can find all my social media handles and sign up to be part of my community at christinehassler.com. Until next week, here’s to getting over it and on with it. Much love and many blessings.