EP 447: Why We Have Such Extremely Different Reactions to Different Situations Even Though We Are Still the Same Person with Jenny

This is episode 447. Why we have such extremely different reactions to different situations, even though we’re still the same person. With Jenny, welcome to Over It and on with it. I’m your host, Christine Hassler, and for over a decade I’ve been a life coach, speaker and author. Each week you’ll hear me work directly with a caller as I coach them through a goal they wanna accomplish or an obstacle they may be facing.
I’ll provide a blend of practical and spiritual advice, as well as tangible actions you can apply to your own life. Now let’s get on with the episode. Hi everybody, and welcome to the show. I know that was a really long title, but I was trying to think about how do I sum up what we talk about in the show. And this is such a great episode because I know a lot of you will relate to having just completely different reactions to different situations.
Like for example, you might be really confident when you’re among close friends, but then when you go to a party where you don’t know anyone, or you’re in a work situation, you may feel like your confidence goes out the window or you might feel really confident in work. But when it comes to dating or a family situation, you might feel not confident.
Or you might be super patient at work, but really impatient with your family. And Jenny brings this question forward and she asks how her attachment styles may relate to this. And what we discover in the episode is, is not so much about attachment styles, is more about the story we tell ourselves in different situations. So as you’re listening to this episode,
consider, do you feel like you’re a different person in different situations? Do your reactions to things sometimes not make sense? Like your reaction is way bigger than perhaps the situation warrants? Do you often prepare yourself for the worst? Almost expect the worst, even though usually the worst doesn’t happen. And finally, as a kid, was there a part of you that felt like you were in trouble and that you didn’t get things right?
So keep these questions in mind as you listen to my conversation with Jenny. Before we dive in, I wanna thank my sponsor for this week, which is Air Doctor. I love Air Doctor Air purifiers. We’ve been traveling, we’ve been in California for 10 days and it’s been absolutely divine. But I have to tell you, I feel the difference when I don’t have my Air Doctor purifier.
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and use promo code over it one last time. That’s up to 39% off or up to $300 off when you go to air. airdcotorpro.com and use promo code over it. And now onto my coaching call with Jenny. Jenny, welcome to the show. How can I help? Hi. Thanks Christine. My question today is around attachment styles. And I’ve been learning a lot about it recently and I’ve also been learning that the way you do one thing is the way you do everything.
And I noticed that my attachment style feels very different in different areas of my life. And so that was confusing to me. And so my attachment styles feel like at work, anxious with communications and different things with, I’m dating men, so in romantic relationships and dating, they feel secure and then some avoidant. And then in my social circles with my girlfriends and my family,
it feels secure. So I don’t understand why there are those differences. Yeah. Well, so it can be attachment style, it can also be, you know, what you’re telling yourself about any of those situations, either consciously or subconsciously. And we can have different attachment styles with different triggers. Just like you could have a different attachment style with your mom than you do with your dad.
Hmm. Oh yeah, I can see that. What do you see How, I guess I’m thinking, I guess an adult. I can see how, I don’t know. I feel like with my parents, we have a good relationship now and it feels pretty secure with them. But maybe not when I was younger. Well, and and we can go there and we might go back there,
but I really wanna try to answer your question. So if you were to ask me, just if you kind of sum up everything that you’re asking me in a question, what would it be? I guess, why are my reactions sometimes so different from a work perspective than they are in my social circle? And since I’ve recently been learning about attachment theory,
that’s what the differences that came to mind for me. Okay. Okay. So how is this a problem? Tell me how it’s a problem for you. Because it’s so different. Like it’s, it’s such a, for example, if I receive a, like a, a message or an email from a family member or from a friend, I’m very calm.
My nervous system is calm. I’m just in the moment. Okay, let me see what they have to say. When I receive an email or a ping from a coworker or a client, I’m instantly in trouble. I’m instantly, I did something wrong and my nervous system is automatically like anxious before I even read it. Okay, great. So in that moment,
you’ve time traveled. Oh, that’s cool. But also, whoa. Oh no. So and not to the future. To the past. Okay. So whatever you have coworker, boss work situation linked to, it’s triggered something, it’s triggered some kind of memory where you did get in trouble or you were bad. Do you have any sense of what that is?
I have thought about something similar before and I can’t, like specific memories don’t come to mind like this exact when I came home from school. But I do like, I feel like my body remembers times growing up where I was not, if I didn’t do it right, I wouldn’t get love from dad or I would get in trouble. And so that seems very,
even right now talking about it, that feels very true. Okay. What do you feel when you talk about it? I feel like anxious in my, like my heart’s chakra center and like a little bit like my hands are a little shaky. Little little, right. And like I am like a little bit of shame, like I’m in trouble. Hmm.
So let’s just really just be with that for a moment. So if you went into that shaky hands, kind of shaky tight chest and you just were with that feeling, let’s just ask it what it needs. What are the shaky hands and tightness in your heart shock? Or what does it need? It just needs someone to like come over and, and like,
like bend down at my level and say, it’s okay, you know, you didn’t do anything wrong and I still love you and I’m so proud of you. So what would happen if you did that right now to that part? I would probably cry some more. That’s okay. Would be willing to try. Of course. Yeah. So kind of put myself in that situation and give that to myself.
Is that what you’re saying? Or just right now, because the feeling’s present. So if you were just to put one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly, or both hands and your, on your heart, if that’s more where you’re feeling it, right? So you’ve got those shaky hands and you’ve got the heart and you were just to say those things to yourself,
just try it and see what happens. So what’s coming up is that I’m very grateful and I’m receiving the acknowledgement and the love from like older Jenny. And I’m also feeling like, why isn’t dad saying that? Yeah. So little Jenny still really wants that from dad. I think so, Yeah. Yeah, Yeah. And we can just really be with her and really say,
I really get why you’d want your dad to say that. And dad’s should say that. Just really wanna validate her feelings. Yeah. Yeah. I’m, I’m doing that and that feels good. It feels like there’s still someone, like I feel like I need someone to hold my hand, so I feel like I’m, I’m be holding my little Jenny’s hand and talking to her and she’s saying,
well, I, you know, why isn’t dad? And so, and I’m listening and I think that the being listened to feels really good. Yeah. And maybe I can just try to answer the why isn’t dad, so I’m just gonna answer that and see how she feels about it because dad just doesn’t know how, he just doesn’t know how to do it and he’s not going to,
That hits something the he’s not going to because I think a part of Little Jenny was like just waiting for when it will happen. Exactly. Versus like, it’s not going to happen. So stop waiting. Yep. It’s not going to happen. So have your feelings about that. Allow yourself to grieve so that we can let go. And it is going to happen from Big Jenny and from other people,
other people in your life. I’m sure there’s been other people in your life that have validated you and said Great job or just loved you for you, you know, without having to do anything. Right. So there’s, it’s just not gonna come from him. Yeah, that’s, yeah. That’s really helpful because now, you know, my dad’s still with us and we have a very different relationship and so sometimes,
you know, it’s, these things are confusing because, you know, I’m like, oh, now he does say those things. But then when I, yeah. When I do these this work, I’m like, there’s a part of me that just when I think I’m like, oh yeah, this is in the past. And then it’s like, no,
it’s fair. I mean it’s so real that I instantly think I’m in trouble before I even read a message. Like that has to come. That’s gotta be something very deep, right? Like this. Well I think you’ve already discovered it, right? So what I would encourage you to do is when you see a text or an email come from someone that fits more that category,
that creates that anxiety, what I want you to do is not open it. Hmm. What I want you to do is put your hands wherever they were, one hand on your heart, or both hands on your heart, one hand on your belly, whatever you were doing before, take a deep breath and feel yourself in your body. Feel the room around you.
Like really get yourself in present time and just say to yourself, I’m not in trouble. I didn’t do anything wrong. That feels hard. Yeah. Well it might take a few tries To start. ’cause this is a well ingrained pattern and it’s super subconscious. Right. So it’s, it’s habitual in certain ways. But the things that will help is really helping Jenny understand that,
you know, we know that dad couldn’t do that and wouldn’t ever do that for her. What you can also do is like invite her into present day moment. You know, like the next time your dad validates you just for being you not for achieving anything, you could just internally say little Jenny, like, I know dad didn’t do that then and that was really,
really, really hard. And I just bring you into this present moment with me so you can experience what it’s like for dad to do that now. Mm. And like start inviting her into those moments. I love that. Yeah. I think she needs more, more of those experiences. Right. Right. But there’s still like a panic program because of that fear of getting in trouble.
Whenever we think we’re gonna get in trouble, we brace ourselves. Yeah. Brace ourselves. It’s like I, I want to prepare my emotions accordingly. So let me panic ahead of time so that if I, if I see something bad, I’m already able to hold it or I’m already, I don’t know, it’s almost like I’m already, let me already put myself in a position to feel like I’m in trouble.
So that it doesn’t hurt so much when I read it. And that’s useful. It’s useful and it’s not bad. It’s a strategy. Yeah. And on some level it’s worked. And that’s why I’m not telling you to say everything’s okay. This is a good message. I’m not telling you to say any of that. I’m actually more telling you to like ground yourself,
regulate yourself and say, I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not in trouble. Mm. Because even if the message is something like, you know, Jenny, we didn’t like the way you did this report or whatever it may be, but still doesn’t mean you’re in trouble. It still doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It’s just feedback. Oh that’s gotta,
that’s a whole, yeah, you’re right. When you said that I have to, that’s another step I have to take too is that you’re, you didn’t do anything wrong just because that’s the perfectionist side, which is another thing Yeah. Of it’s not perfect. So you’re, you did it wrong. Right. So I’m gonna practice both of those. Yeah.
Because, you know, growth and change, like having, being able to connect the dots is one piece. But then the integration piece is like how do we create something in the moment? You know, how do we really greet something in the moment? So for you, you are going to be like breaking apart a well-ingrained kind of neural net of a,
a habituated reaction to something. And so you’re going to, you’re gonna catch yourself. It’s sort of like if you had this dance routine and you knew every move and then you decided, you know, at 30 seconds into the dance, I’m actually going to like move to my left instead of my right. And do a spin instead of a kick or whatever.
I’m just making stuff up. It would be, once the music came on and your body started doing the dance routine, it knew how to do for years and years and years, you would have to think so hard about that particular beat and that particular move because it would be so out of the natural way your body knew how to move to this particular song.
Yes. And so that intentionality around shifting it and when we have that intentionality around shifting it with the loving awareness of what’s happening for inner child and how we can tend to her and you know, why and how we’re time traveling, that from my perspective is where we really start to shift things and where integration can happen. ’cause we don’t wanna dismiss the panic that she goes into because it’s understandable.
I can see why she has that reaction. She’s bracing herself, you know, and if you are an empath, highly sensitive person, which is my sense, you are, the rejection or judgment from your dad really hurt. Even if it was a little thing like, oh you didn’t get an A, eh B’S not great, but it’s not awful.
I mean even just something little like that to you could feel awful. Yeah. I was picturing as you’re speaking, like changing in that moment, the pattern that dance is a good example. ’cause I’m actually taking dance lessons. So that must have been channeled. That was great. Yes. And thinking about, you said like, so when it happens in,
in the pattern, take a breath and tell yourself you’re not in trouble is another way to think about it. That would be helpful to think about it. Like neutral in the sense of whatever, you know, whatever message comes up, whatever I actually see from this email ping is neutral in, you know, going into it. Versus is that another way?
Okay. Yes. But you’re gonna be more likely to be able to actually feel neutral if you regulate your nervous system first. Because I don’t know about you, but whenever I’ve been in panic or worry or just regulated, when someone tells me, oh, just be neutral about it, it doesn’t matter. Like to try to speak to my mind. It doesn’t help.
It’s like telling someone who’s having a panic attack, oh, just calm down, take some deep breath. It’s like, don’t you think I’d calm down if I could? Right now It’s Right More about like taking a moment to get yourself in the present moment, regulate your nervous system. So you’re, you’re like, because when you’re triggered, what’s basically happened is you’re hijacked by your subconscious,
you’re hijacked by the trigger and it’s so subconscious and it’s so fast. So when we bring conscious awareness to taking a breath, feeling our hand on our body, reminding ourselves we’re okay, we’re safe in the moment. Letting our shoulders relax. Taking some deep belly breaths. Because when we’re in a body state where our breath is regulated, our belly is soft,
shoulders are relaxed, our jaws relaxed. We’re breathing slowly, we’re not in bracing position. Have you ever seen someone brace themselves that’s completely relaxed or even a little bit relaxed? No. So you wanna move out of the bracing posture first. That’s way more important than anything you tell yourself in your mind. Hmm. Yeah. That makes me think of,
I’m probably always holding my breath in those moments. I need to just breathe and exhale for a long time. Right. Like four counts, Right? Mm. Yeah. Then you can speak to yourself from that place. ’cause your body and your subconscious mind is going to be much more likely to get on board. Mm. If you’re not in a,
you know, a nervous system response of bracing. Yes. So that makes me think that, because now I’m like, do I ever feel that any, any other areas? And I don’t. And that means that since it’s it’s work, it’s always work related, only work. And that makes me feel like it’s tied to accomplishment and achievement. So yeah,
that lines up with grades and doing good in sports and everything growing up because it never comes up in any other communications. Right. Right. So when there’s established safety, when there’s established like, this person likes me no matter what, when there’s established like I don’t have to do to get love, then it’s an issue. When it’s not performance based,
you’re fine. But then that still makes me wonder why like in dating when I, I don’t feel that in dating, but it still feels like I’m trying to make this work. But I don’t feel that same sense of when they, like, if they don’t respond or whatever, it doesn’t bother me. Okay. I’m not trying to achieve anything. I guess maybe that’s why.
Yeah. If something’s not a problem, I wouldn’t focus on it too much or ask why it’s not happening there. I would more look at, wow, there’s some belief I have around work and people I work with, there’s some category my mind puts them in. There’s some pedestal they’re on. Yeah. That was similar to the pedestal dad was on that causes a bracing and causes me to time travel and get dysregulated Pedestal.
Oh man. I think that’s, yes. It’s like I’m always trying, I’m never going to be enough. This is just the story as you said that of, you know, even, even when I, and usually the emails that I open are all good news by the way. See I’m not surprised, But every time, but still, I,
when you said that, it’s almost like, okay, but there’s, but there is still an error that they haven’t found yet kind of thing. And I can see how it’s this idea that I am here to prove to you, to my employer, to my boss, to this project. And that’s, that’s really the whole purpose of why I’m here.
Like for, I mean I guess that is the point of the job, but there’s, I feel, I find that there’s, I don’t have a strong sense of value as a person at work outside of that. Hmm. Hmm. So that last statement you said, I don’t feel I have much value outside of that. What belief do you think creates that thought?
That I am, I am what I give to others for what I produce for others. Right. So if I were to bullet point it, like if I were to like just drill it down, the belief would be I’m not enough Without validation. Yeah. Correct. Correct. Yeah. And having a dad that was very approval based, achievement based,
got in trouble. If he didn’t do the right thing, that would definitely help enforce that belief. Yeah. So you get to really look at that, you know, where am I telling myself right now? I’m not enough. I feel like that’s another area too, but it’s not as obvious. And sometimes it’ll be like a oh that, that’s a harsh reality from this whatever personal situation.
But I don’t always maybe linger or journal or reflect because you know, it’s just subtle. But then it’s always clear as they at work. So that’s what I usually focus on. Yeah. So what I would work with without trying to like unpack this too much is the shifting in the moment. Yeah. Because if you shift in the moment and start to like put that new dance move in,
what that will by default start to also decrease in intensity is the belief I’m not enough. Because it is that belief that created that dance move in the first place. The original one. Wait, say that again. What belief created the initial dance move? So I’ll stop using metaphors. So it it, the belief of I’m Not Enough was created by the,
the dynamic with dad. Mm. Yes. That feels True. That relates in the bracing. So if you were to break that pattern of bracing by default, that belief is gonna start to break down too. Hmm. My type A wants a timeline, but I know that’s not appropriate, Jenny. Just do I know. See I wanna do it right.
I wanna do it and not get in trouble. But yeah, that’s, I’m gonna have to put post-it notes up because Yeah, like when it actually happens, I’m like, yeah. Almost like freeze. Yeah. Right. Or like I just don’t even, yeah. So I’m gonna have to catch myself because it’s unexpected. Right. Whenever these things emails come through,
I don’t know exactly when it will be. Right. But you know the names of the people Yes. That trigger you and as soon as you feel the trigger, you don’t look at the email or text anymore and you do what we practiced about. I’m not saying that you’re not gonna feel it right away. What I am saying is that you interrupt it and then eventually more and more and more it will diminish and decrease until it eventually goes away.
And when I take a breath and I say, you know, you’re not in trouble, it can just be like a really present breath. Right. Like a, just like a two minute-ish. Okay. Yeah. And you will feel in your body when you regulate, you’ll feel it and you don’t open the email until you do. Because you want the relief to come from your own body and not opening the email and seeing that you’re not in trouble.
Hmm. You want the relief to be internally sourced, not externally. That Makes me think another thing that could be helpful to myself in that moment is you’re not in trouble and like you are, no matter what you open or whatever you see you’re still enough exactly as you are right now. Yeah. Whatever feels helpful to you is perfect. I’m gonna really trust you on that one.
Okay. You got this. Yeah, I know you can. I absolutely know you can. Yeah, I could. I think I am more sensitive than I thought I ever was in the last couple years. So these things are, they almost, they almost shock me and they, I almost think they, that’s not me because I’m tough and not sensitive,
but then I suppress and then these things come up really loud. So I’m trying to be more gentle with myself even as they come up, up and be it’s okay. Like you’re not flawed, that you are sensitive, that you need not at all support. That’s okay. It’ss a gift, the superpower. That’s what I tell people. But it’s like when I see that for myself,
it’s not always the same feeling. Yeah. Yeah. Well that’s why we’re wanting to put in, to use a metaphor again, a dance move that really tends to your sensitivity and how we set tend to our, our sensitivity is by helping to regulate our nervous system and making ourself feel really safe and really seen. That’s how we tend to our sensitivity.
We don’t bulldoze it. We don’t try to pep talk ourselves. We meet it, we greet it and we really tend to it and give it what it needs In that moment. Yeah. Well yeah. Or you know, shortly thereafter. So again, if you see an email from somebody at work, you still might have the immediate, but then you’re gonna go,
okay, I know what’s happening right now and I know how to be with myself. Yeah. And that makes me think I might even need some do that again right after I read it, no matter what it says and that Yeah. And that if that feels true, then I’ll do that too. Beautiful. You work with yourself with compassion, with acceptance and love,
but also with commitment. Like it might take many times for this to start shifting. Don’t give up. Yeah. Or don’t do it the right, you know, but there’s no like right or wrong way. Exactly. I’m trying to tell myself it’s just do your best. Trust yourself. Yeah. Okay. I can do that. I know you can.
Thank you Jenny, for being willing to be so vulnerable, for being willing to bring little Jenny forward. I’m always just so honored and grateful when the guests on this show are willing to do that in our child work. ’cause it’s so tender and so sweet. So there’s a lot we discussed in the show, not too much. I wanna break down here.
I really wanna bring and highlight what we talked about, about the protective strategy because this is something I see with so many people. So one of Jenny’s protective strategies was to prepare herself for the worst. Literally her nervous system would brace and her mind would go to worst case scenario every time she saw an email or a text from a colleague. This is a survival strategy because those of us who had trauma and most of us have or have had an instant where,
you know, the worst happened or something did happen when we got in trouble, then we think, okay, well if I expect it every single time, then one, I’m not gonna be surprised because one of the, there’s many difficult parts to trauma. One of the difficult parts to trauma is the shock. Shock is what really, really makes trauma stick in our body because we’re going along thinking everything’s fine and then something happens and we’re shocked and our system is shocked and it becomes a,
an imprint in our psyche, in our subconscious, in our emotional body and in our nervous system. So her nervous system had the habit of bracing. So what we really worked on, we talked a lot about, we talked about a lot in this call, but what we really worked on, and what I would encourage you to work on is if you have a situation like that where you’re bracing or expecting the worst or you get really nervous or whatever it is that you can regulate,
you know, you can really take deep breaths, you can pause, you can basically interrupt the pattern because neural nets have formed in your brain where it’s just an unconscious pattern. And so when you interrupt the pattern, when you pause and say, I’m safe, I’m okay, I’m regulating because as we grow and develop, we have to update our survival strategies.
So many of our survival strategies were formed when we were very, very, very young. And so they’re very outdated. I am gonna guess that many of you still do not use a VCR or a palm pilot, pardon me, would love palm pilots to come back. Technology’s gotten way too extreme from my taste, but I digress. You have updated how you consume a movie.
You don’t go to Blockbuster and rent a VHS, you watch it on Netflix or wherever you stream. Same thing happens with survival patterns. A lot of us are still using VHS and not updating our programming. So I want you to take a note from today’s episode. When you notice that you have a habitual reaction to something, interrupt the pattern. Take a deep breath.
Think about creating an anchor like your hands folded. Or you could put your arm around your wrist or you could sing yourself a song. You’ve gotta interrupt those patterns and update those survival strategies so that your nervous system and the inner child stops bracing. Alright everybody, that’s the show for today. Sending you so much love and many blessings. Until next time,
thank you for listening to Over it and on With It. I love hearing from you. So please post your comments or questions at christinehassler.com/podcast. That’s also the place you can sign up to receive coaching from me in an upcoming episode. And if you love this show, please share it and subscribe in iTunes. You can find all my social media handles and sign up to be part of my community at christinehassler.com.
Until next week, here’s to getting over it and on with it. Much love and many blessings.