We all get triggered. When we are the person triggered it is not pleasurable, but at least we have an understanding of what’s happening and the influence on our behavior. But when someone else is triggered, be it a romantic partner, friend, colleague, parent or even a stranger, it can feel even worse!

We’ve all been there. We know someone is off in some way, they’re in a mood, peeved about something, or putting up walls… and it feels SUPER uncomfortable. Do we run in the other direction? Confront them? Call for help? Offer them food? Attempt to fix it or make the person feel better? When in the presence of an upset person we often panic. We want to do something to bring the person back to their “normal” state where we know how to interact with them, but we don’t know what to do.

People aren’t predictable or controllable. Furthermore, someone else’s upset is not our responsibility. But knowing that does not necessarily ease the discomfort of being around someone who clearly is in upset.

So what do we do? Here are some simple tips on what to do when in the presence of a triggered person.

– When you’re in the presence of a triggered person, you are likely to get triggered yourself. Take a deep breath, come back to your relationship with yourself and know they are not your responsibility to fix, change or save in anyway.

– Decide if engaging with them is in your best interest. You do that by asking the person, “I notice something seems up for you.” KEY: Do NOT assume you know what is up for them by identifying it. Don’t say, “You seem angry” or “You seem hurt”. No assumptions! Only the other person knows what they are experiencing. Keep it neutral.

– Then ask, “Do you want to talk about it? I’m here to listen if you do, or would you prefer space and some time alone? I’m happy to do either.” Easy, right!?!?

– If they do choose to talk to you, listen. That’s it. Just listen.

– Don’t defend, blame or criticize them! In the presence of anyone who is triggered, if you come at them with any kind of attack they are going to get defensive and walls will go up. Tread lightly not to take care of them but to RESPECT their process and take care of YOURSELF.

Following these tips gets you off the eggshells you are walking on around upset people in your life.

In relationships, when two people are triggered at a time it just leads to more conflict and saying things we may later regret. So sometimes we choose to take the high road and give someone else permission to be in their upset. And then when you are the one triggered, you can ask for the same!

With love,
Christine

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