Tag Archives: change someone

Can you change someone?

Perhaps you may relate to the following scenario: you have met someone you are falling for or have already fallen into a relationship. You love the same music, laugh at the same TV shows, read the same books and eat the same kind of food. Your conversations are endless and your chemistry is off the charts.  And everything would be absolutely perfect if the object of your affection would just change that one thing that really bothers you.  I am not talking about habits that annoy you or imperfections that the person has.  It’s the thing that keeps you up at night and creates endless anxiety. It’s the thing that causes you to feel insecure about yourself or the relationship.  It’s the thing that has you attempting to renegotiate your own values.

What keeps you there is the belief that you can change the person. That your love is the magic potion that will save or transform him or her.  You see their potential. Your heart is not logical, it just feels what it feels and all of a sudden you are smitten.  And often the smitten can be so intoxicating that the sobering smell of the truth is ignored.

Which brings me to today’s podcast session with Linsey who is in a relationship with a functional alcoholic and hoping that if only he would change, things would get better.   She loves him and believes that if he can change they may be able to take their relationship to the next level.

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EP 52: Can You Change Someone? With Linsey

EP52v4Today’s caller, Linsey, is concerned her boyfriend may have an addiction to alcohol. She loves him and believes that if he can change they may be able to take their relationship to the next level. She thinks her problem is in her relationship but as our coaching session shows, it has very little to do with her partner and more to do with something deep within herself.

You cannot change other people. Your desire to change and heal yourself should not be attached to changing someone else. Focus only on yourself.

It is important to make healthy changes, even if it feels really scary. Unhealthy lifestyles feel familiar and safe because we have been in them for so long. It is crucial to find professional support and to be held accountable when we start making changes. It is difficult for us to do this on our own. Our ego doesn’t like it when we change because it craves certainty. And, as we start to grow in consciousness, the ego starts to hold on a little tighter.

If listening to this call was uncomfortable for you or if it brought up some awareness around your own addictions, consider what you may be using to avoid feeling and dealing. This is why I am creating an Over It and On With It course to give you tools and resources to feel, deal and heal.

Coaches — I could have coached Linsey to get out of her relationship. Personally, I hope she does distance herself from it to focus on her own healing. But, if I coached her in that direction she may have shut down. She said she loves him even though she knows he’s an addict. She feels safe being a co-dependent in the relationship due to her relationship with her mother. I didn’t want her ego to take over and for her to get defensive. It may not have been possible for her to get to the deeper awareness she reached during the call. It’s important to give someone the dignity of their process, instead of encouraging them to make a move they may not be ready to make.

Would you like to connect to who you really are and discover your Secret Sauce? There is a free video training series on my site to help you build your business or obtain your desires from the inside out. Your Secret Sauce is a unique combination of your experience, talents, life lessons and passions, which can help you to feel a sense of belonging and confidence. Go to www.christinehassler.com/ss to get the free videos.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you in a relationship with someone and hope they will change?
  • Are you in a relationship with an addict? Are you using an external coping strategy to distract yourself from dealing with something you don’t want to face?
  • Do you acknowledge that you may have tendencies towards co-dependency?
  • Is your ego feeling dark, and would you like to feel more connected to your soul?

Linsey’s Question:

Linsey is concerned her current relationship may be following the same path as her past relationships, and she is unsure about the future.

Linsey’s Key Insights and Aha’s:

  • She realizes she has co-dependency issues
  • She wants her partner to change
  • She knows she has walked on eggshells around her mother
  • She uses food and television as numbing agents
  • She became super-independent because she doesn’t believe she can count on anyone else
  • She knows she should disconnect from her relationship but doesn’t want to
  • She can heal this issue

How to get over it and on with it:

  • She should be honest about who her partner really is
  • She needs to deal with the hurt inside herself
  • She needs professional help by way of a 12-step program or a therapist
  • She should make a 1-year commitment to not take actions that can’t be done
  • She should incorporate a spiritual practice into her life

Assignments and Takeaways:

  • Take a serious look at your coping devices. Are they addictions or in the danger zone of becoming addictions?
  • Take an honest look at your relationships. Ask people close to you what they notice about your relationships.
  • Write a list of the things you desire and what you think will make you feel better.
  • Ask the universe to guide you to the help you need and want.

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Resources:

Christine Hassler
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Tweetables:

During your prayers, ask the universe to guide you towards what you need and want. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet
Have you become super-independent because you don’t believe you can count on anyone else? http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet
If you are craving to be a mother first, look at how you are mothering yourself. http://apple.co/1hO8XZR… Click To Tweet

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Coaches Corner: Are you trying to change someone else?

1200x1200-ChristineHassler-PodcastCoverIn this coaches corner Christine discusses whether or not it’s possible to change someone else. Consider: Is there someone in your life you really hope will change? Do you find yourself taking on the responsibility for other people’s transformation? Do you even get annoyed when you see someone you care about not living into the potential you see in them?

Christine explains why we are tempted to change others and teaches you how to let go of expectations of other people. You will learn that it is not your job or your right to save anyone along with some tips on how you actually can make an impact on the lives of others.

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