Today’s caller, Linsey, is concerned her boyfriend may have an addiction to alcohol. She loves him and believes that if he can change they may be able to take their relationship to the next level. She thinks her problem is in her relationship but as our coaching session shows, it has very little to do with her partner and more to do with something deep within herself.
You cannot change other people. Your desire to change and heal yourself should not be attached to changing someone else. Focus only on yourself.
It is important to make healthy changes, even if it feels really scary. Unhealthy lifestyles feel familiar and safe because we have been in them for so long. It is crucial to find professional support and to be held accountable when we start making changes. It is difficult for us to do this on our own. Our ego doesn’t like it when we change because it craves certainty. And, as we start to grow in consciousness, the ego starts to hold on a little tighter.
If listening to this call was uncomfortable for you or if it brought up some awareness around your own addictions, consider what you may be using to avoid feeling and dealing. This is why I am creating an Over It and On With It course to give you tools and resources to feel, deal and heal.
Coaches — I could have coached Linsey to get out of her relationship. Personally, I hope she does distance herself from it to focus on her own healing. But, if I coached her in that direction she may have shut down. She said she loves him even though she knows he’s an addict. She feels safe being a co-dependent in the relationship due to her relationship with her mother. I didn’t want her ego to take over and for her to get defensive. It may not have been possible for her to get to the deeper awareness she reached during the call. It’s important to give someone the dignity of their process, instead of encouraging them to make a move they may not be ready to make.
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- Are you in a relationship with someone and hope they will change?
- Are you in a relationship with an addict? Are you using an external coping strategy to distract yourself from dealing with something you don’t want to face?
- Do you acknowledge that you may have tendencies towards co-dependency?
- Is your ego feeling dark, and would you like to feel more connected to your soul?
Linsey is concerned her current relationship may be following the same path as her past relationships, and she is unsure about the future.
Linsey’s Key Insights and Aha’s:
- She realizes she has co-dependency issues
- She wants her partner to change
- She knows she has walked on eggshells around her mother
- She uses food and television as numbing agents
- She became super-independent because she doesn’t believe she can count on anyone else
- She knows she should disconnect from her relationship but doesn’t want to
- She can heal this issue
How to get over it and on with it:
- She should be honest about who her partner really is
- She needs to deal with the hurt inside herself
- She needs professional help by way of a 12-step program or a therapist
- She should make a 1-year commitment to not take actions that can’t be done
- She should incorporate a spiritual practice into her life
Assignments and Takeaways:
- Take a serious look at your coping devices. Are they addictions or in the danger zone of becoming addictions?
- Take an honest look at your relationships. Ask people close to you what they notice about your relationships.
- Write a list of the things you desire and what you think will make you feel better.
- Ask the universe to guide you to the help you need and want.
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