Most of you can relate to feeling a bit nervous or awkward at times. Maybe it’s around someone you are crushing on, when you have to speak in front of your boss or even when you are attempting to be cool with your teenage kids.
Feeling self-conscious is the worst. And not just because of the knots in your stomach, the sweating, the saying of the things we judge as totally lame right after they come out of our mouth. What is worse is that we are not showing up as fully ourselves. Whenever we are openly attached to hoping someone else likes us or accepts us, we often do the exact opposite of what we need to do in that moment. We judge ourselves rather than accept ourselves. Then we show up in ways that are not authentic to who we are and that is awkward and uncomfortable.
Attachment is thinking we need to be a certain way to get what we want from another person. We put on masks, we judge ourselves and we edit everything that comes out of our mouth. The higher the emotional stakes are the more suppressed we can become.
In today’s coaching session with Kristen, we explore why she is not fully herself in romantic relationships.
Self-consciousness is not just painful to feel, it also doesn’t bring us the connections we long for.
First, it’s all about what you are telling yourself inside your head. Second, you start future tripping which detaches you from your intuition. Finally, being attached to the outcome, you are trying to adapt to who you think you need to be rather than just being you. The cure for self-consciousness is radical self-acceptance.
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- What situations do you feel self-conscious in?
- What do you really want when interacting with others? Validation, to be liked?
- Is there a parent or someone else you may be expecting to get nachos from when they are really a Chinese restaurant?
- Are you truly showing up in a way for others that you expect others to show up for you?
Kristen would like to know why she finds it hard to be herself around a guy she is attracted to.
Kristen’s Key Insights and Aha’s:
- She is still angry over her father’s aloofness
- A father is the first male relationship a girl has
- She may be looking for acceptance and validation when dating
- Anger and judgment do not help any situation
- She should establish intimacy and trust with her dad
How to get over it and on with it:
- She’s free to be whomever she wants to be
- She should share her needs with her father
- She needs to accept people as they are if she wants to be accepted for who she is
- She is responsible for her own needs right now
Tools and Takeaways:
- Look at where your self-consciousness comes from and practice being in the present moment.
- Unresolved issues with parents can be better understood in episode #16, Why Our Parents Trigger Us So Much.
- Practice being your most authentic, quirky, nerdy self! Whoever you are, let people see you! And, see yourself through the eyes of love.
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