EP 103: Failure to Launch with Jane (A Must Listen for Millennials and Parents of Millennials)

EP103

This episode is about motivating a millennial out of their comfort zone. Today’s caller, Jane, is a mother of a 28-year-old daughter who is still living at home. We dive into how Jane’s needing to be needed can impact relationships in a not-so-positive way.

The millennial generation was the most over-parented generation. The parenting advice at the time was to be your child’s friend and that everyone is a winner. It has created a failure to launch, because the children never learned to make their own decisions. As a result, they may not do well when faced with challenges or uncertainty.

 A lot of 20-Somethings blame their being dependent on the economy, or the job market, but it’s more about a comfort zone. But, what is comfortable is not always what is healthy. 20-Somethings who are still financially or emotionally dependent on their parents are experiencing ‘adult-a-lescence.’

Adulthood is about being emotionally responsible for yourself, making your own decisions and falling on your face a few times, struggling a bit and paying your dues.

If you are a 20-Something who is still living at home it’s time to cut the umbilical cord. You are delaying and avoiding becoming an adult. Stop being afraid to struggle, suffer or fail.

 If you are a parent you need to cut the cord. You are enabling your child if you allow them to rely on you, financially or emotionally. You may be setting them up for a lifetime of not learning how to truly trust and depend on themselves.

 If you are looking for support, encouragement and love, my Personal Mastery Course, Over It and On With It is the most comprehensive virtual coaching program I have. You receive 6-weeks of personalized coaching with me, guided meditations, videos, and I engage with you live on Facebook Live and in group coaching calls. This course starts in October, and it’s only offered once per year.

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Consider/Ask Yourself:

  • Are you a parent whose adult child is still living at home, and you like it?
  • Are you a millennial who is still living at home?
  • Does being needed make you feel good?
  • Is there someone you think you are helping but may actually be enabling them by not giving them a chance to take care of themselves and to not learn their own lessons?

 Jane’s Question:

Jane would like to know how to motivate her 28-year-old daughter to get out of the house.

 Jane’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • Her daughter doesn’t have any friends.
  • She has played a role in her daughter’s failure to launch.
  • She may be perpetuating her daughter’s belief that she is unstable.
  • She wants to fix all of her children’s problems.
  • She doesn’t want to see her children suffer.
  • She is enabling her daughter to be complacent.

 How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • She should read 20-Something Manifesto.
  • She should speak with her daughter the health of their relationship and create a plan to help her to be on her own.
  • She should stop giving her daughter so much advice.
  • She should find something that makes her feel purposeful.
  • She needs to shift her focus from her daughter to herself.
  • She should realize she did the best she could.

 Takeaways:

  • If you are a millennial living at home or have a millennial living home, create a launch plan.
  • Work through the exercises in 20-Something Manifesto.
  • Look at where you may need to be needed and let go of it. It may be reinforcing co-dependent behaviors and patterns.
  • Look at how you may be enabling people by over-caretaking and rescuing them. Are being loving or enabling?

 Resources:

Christine Hassler

Christine Hassler Podcasts

Inner Circle Membership Community

@ChristinHassler on Twitter

@ChristineHassler on Instagram

Jill@ChristineHassler.com

Over It and On With It Personal Mastery Course

Adam Carolla Podcast with Christine

 Recommended Books:

Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life

20-Something, 20-Everything

20-Something Manifesto

 Tweetables:

Are you a 20-Something who still lives at home? Stop being afraid to struggle and fail and go experience life!… Click To Tweet Continually saving or rescuing your child from failing is not for their higher-good.… Click To Tweet Children should believe they can take care of themselves and parents should reinforce that… Click To Tweet

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  • Sylvia

    Thank you Christine, this episode was so relevant. I am 38 and am still dependent on my parents financially and emotionally, particularly on my mother even though I left their home long time ago, got a job and my own apartment, then moved to another city, then to another country! But the umbilical cord was never cut, and I feel I am still oversharing with my mother, keeping in touch way more often that I would, partly because whenever I fail to email her daily, she starts panicking. Another big part of it is that I am now financially unsustainable: after 10 years of career I went to study abroad at a graduate school, failed to find a job after graduation, went back to the graduate school again for a PhD, and am now working part-time which enables me to pay only half of my bills, and the rest is covered by my parents’ remittances. I am quite ashamed of this situation and would love to get out of it, but have no idea how. I worked with several counsellors and psychotherapists in past but didn’t get substantial results.

    • http://www.christinehassler.com/ Christine Hassler

      Sylvia, first off I acknoledge you for your awareness and I hear your desire to shift this pattern. I encourage you to be mindful of your self talk and release any shame you have around the situation. Also, consider working with a therapist and per-interviewing them to make sure you have the right fit and connection. I know you can shift this and create the life you desire (both internally and externally).

  • Meagan Hammer

    I wanted to share how positively this episode impacted me. Although my situation has some differences, I was able to experience some major shifts and immediately got clarification on creating a plan to launch. I wrote it on a big piece of paper and posted on my wall where I can see it every day. Thank you so much for the caller’s openness and compassion towards her daughter and for Christine for offering supportive loving advice.

    • http://www.christinehassler.com/ Christine Hassler

      Meagan, I am so happy to hear the impact this episode had on you and the action it inspired. Thank you for sharing.

  • Alyona

    Hi!

    Thank you so much for your honesty. This episode resonated with me so much.

    I am 20-something and I struggle to launch as well. I did have a job, but lost it dramatically and I think could not let myself grieve this expectation hangover. Shame and pain were so strong, that I guess I still hold on to this story and don’t really know what to do now and how to let it go.
    But I am sure that it is just a part of growing up :) I really hope, Jane, that your daughter finds her way.
    Christine, thank you so much for amazing advices you gave. As always, your podcast helped so much!