This call is about overcoming a desire for control to feel safe. Today’s caller, Jasmine, is wondering why she has a strange relationship with her boyfriend and her sister and why she sabotages her work experience. What it comes down to is an issue with control and fear of intimacy created to protect herself due to her early experiences with an emotionally unavailable parent.
During a time when we feel out of control or too controlled we develop a compensatory strategy of ‘I have to be in control of everything to protect myself to avoid intimacy.’
Attachment styles are developed based on our early experiences in relationships. In the avoidant attachment style, we avoid or fear emotional intimacy because usually had a parent who was aloof, emotionally removed, unaffectionate, rejecting, or not attuned to our childhood emotional needs.
Maybe the parent provided food and shelter but children need affection and nurturing as well. When a child doesn’t have emotional availability or affection they can develop an avoidant attachment style. In adulthood, this can show up as being extremely independent and self-directed, controlling, and often uncomfortable with intimacy.
Those with an avoidant attachment style often get the rap of being commitment-phobes but it’s more that they have difficulty with commitment. They either rationalize themselves out of deep intimacy or they have certain complaints when in a relationship.
Grounding ourselves in the present moment and breathwork are great for people who have an avoidant attachment style.
Take a deep dive into how to understand your attachment style and heal your inner child in our three-day virtual Inner Child Workshop on June 5th–7th. Stefanos and I will hold space for both the healthy masculine and feminine. If you can’t join us live, it will be recorded. ChristineHassler.com/Innerchild. Email Jill@ChristineHassler.com to discuss what may be blocking you from joining in.
- Do you have a habit of pushing people away?
- Do you give too much advice to certain people?
- Do you remember, as a child, having a lot of affection being hugged and feeling safe and nurtured in your home or do you remember feeling kind of alone?
- Do you often sabotage an opportunity or relationship professional or personal even if it’s something you really want?
Jasmine has a difficult time connecting in her relationships and pulls away before she gets what she wants.
Jasmine’s Key Insights and Ahas:
- She is trying to change the role she plays in her sister’s life.
- She shrugs off affection when her boyfriend reaches out.
- She wants things done a certain way.
- She has adopted a protective pattern of control.
- She has had very little intimacy in her life.
- Her mother was emotionally unavailable.
- As a child, she learned that loving other people meant telling them what to do.
- Her father wasn’t around.
- She doesn’t recognize the progress she has made.
- She may have a deep fear of rejection.
- She has a body memory of being rejected when giving love.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
- Research the avoidant attachment style.
- Check-in with herself, with love, to see how she is doing.
- Be more compassionate with herself.
- Release self-judgment and add unconditional love.
- Ground herself in the present because intimacy happens in the present moment.
- Adopt the mantra of ‘I am safe. That was then. This is now.’ and ‘It is safe to let love in.’
- Join us for the virtual Inner Child Workshop on June 5th–7th. Go to ChristineHassler.com/Innerchild.
- To learn more about compensatory strategies get a free download from my book, Expectation Hangover at ChristineHassler.com/CS.
- Be patient with yourself and your growth.
- Practice by naming your feelings and saying to yourself ‘I am safe. That was then. This is now.’
- Listen to my Coaches Corner episode #217 on attachment styles.
Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community
Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services.
Tweetables:We often feel that if we become more like a person then they will love us more. Click To Tweet Intimacy happens in the present moment. Click To Tweet When we have issues with intimacy or control or we have trouble letting go, we often have trouble receiving pleasure. We fear we will lose ourselves and that can be scary. Click To Tweet