EP 303: The Importance of Speaking Your Needs in All Aspects of Your Life with Shelly

This episode is about speaking our needs in relationships. Today’s caller, Shelly, is great about articulating her needs in some aspects of her life but when it comes to matters of the heart, she suffocates herself. We discuss how clarifying questions can be self-honoring and relieve her anxiety.

Not knowing where we stand in a relationship is like pulling off the Band-Aid slowly. A slow painful rip off the heart. Whereas articulating our needs and having a clarifying conversation may be like ripping the Band-Aid off fast but it is better than the slow burn of hurt.

Put yourself in a place of empowerment. When we give our power away and just wait for someone else to tell us where we stand. It produces anxiety. It is like sitting in the back seat of a car while someone else is driving. You don’t know where you are going. You can’t control the speed limit. You are just sitting there hoping it turns out okay. It feels terrible to experience so much anxiety. When we clarify our needs to someone, even if it doesn’t turn out the way we want it to, at least, we can start the healing process.

Needs are not a weak thing to have. It is natural and normal for human beings to have needs. Our needs extend beyond things like survival. We need human connection and we need things in relationships. It is not needy to speak your needs. It doesn’t make you weak and it doesn’t make you codependent.

We get fooled into believing that someone not rejecting us, or someone not judging us is better than not making self-honoring choices for ourselves.

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Consider/Ask Yourself

  • Are you silencing yourself in relationships?
  • Are you getting your needs met?
  • Do you even know what your needs are?
  • Are you afraid to articulate your needs for fear of judgment, loss, or rejection?
  • Are you good at speaking up in some aspects of your life, but not so great at speaking up in others?

Shelly’s Question:

Shelly has been dating online and would like guidance on how to handle ghosting and being disrespected.

Shelly’s Key Insights and Ahas:

  • She has cerebral palsy and uses a walker.
  • Her past dating experiences include being ghosted.
  • She feels abandoned and doesn’t get closure in relationships.
  • She wants to be an advocate for others with disabilities who are dating.
  • She gets anxious when someone doesn’t respond to messages.
  • She is able to articulate her needs except for when it comes to relationships.
  • She would rather have the truth than uncertainty.
  • She overthinks situations.
  • She gets nervous about meeting people for the first time.

How to Get Over It and On With It:

  • Have a clarifying conversation with her current boyfriend to fully articulate her needs.
  • Write a letter to the guy from college she doesn’t intend to send.
  • Go out do something she loves and meet someone who sees her and her walker.
  • Lean into her gift of speaking her needs and stand in her power.


  • Make a list of all the relationships in your life. Look at where certain needs aren’t being met and make yourself accountable for having a clarifying conversation.


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We tend to create the things we fear until we learn how to shift them. Click To Tweet Anxiety and attachment style wounding gets activated when our needs aren’t met. Click To Tweet We are fooled into believing that someone not rejecting us, or someone not judging us is better than not making self-honoring choices for ourselves. Click To Tweet

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